This is sort of grievous to recall, mainly because I haven't told
anyone.
There are 3 people on this Earth who actually have an idea about the
following tribulation.
It's not quite peachy keen to get this off my chest, but I stumbled
upon the node, and recalled a series of events which triggered my
memory cascade.
"To Forsake" is not a good description of what my brain has done
for protection against awful cognizance and its harmful effect.
In fact, I seem to possess a special lock-system, that "deletes"
from memory anything venomous, which ever happened to me. Call it "auto-safety-device",
call it whatever, it's working properly, most of the time.
Sometimes, the Universe plots against my inner-device; circumstances
make my defenses useless, and the crooked worm starts carving into my
raw marrow, just as if it were an apple.
It was midsummer. I was in my second-to-third year of University
studies; I was spending my summer vacation back home. I had gathered all
my high-school friends and we'd decided to throw a fare-well party to
end our joyous get-together.
I had also seen my high-school sweetie. Two years before, we had
split up.
He and I were very connected at that time, but, as I chose my
future orientation - a medical career -, my family started filling my
head with ideas like: "he isn't suited for you", "he's going to
turn-out just like his father", "he has flaws that will destroy you
and him, altogether"(he very much liked to bet his private lessons
money at arcade games & when he put alcohol in his mouth, he
completely became another person).
I know, I too, am very much to blame, as well as my folks are,
but that doesn't absolve me the guilt for not taking my own decisions. I
didn't want to do it, but my Julien Sorel-like
judgment told me to do the "right thing". At the moment, it seemed
like it. I knew he suffered quite badly. I did too, but I fooled
myself into thinking that it would have never turned out for the 2 of
us. I continuously told myself something like: "if you love something,
let it go..."
And I did let go. Moved on, passed exams with high scores, slimed
my life from one day to another in a dull pattern.
•
Now we'd met again, and I caught a moment at the party, in which I
got to tell him what I had acknowledged too late.
It all went on with the music, booze, dance, fun...But it's all
fun and games until somebody gets hurt...
The location of this fare-well thingy was at one of our friends'
mansion, a three-stored villa, situated at almost 2 miles from where my
folks lived. At about three in the morning, it was about time we
ditched. I stayed a little behind, because I helped with the cleaning. I
had a few drinks, but wasn't feeling nothing like dizzy. I'm telling
this, because I need to find a possible fault in me. Somehow, I always
felt that it was my fault, and all the "IF's" in my head keep
pointing to a different conclusion...
I asked B. if he wanted to go home, 'cause I explained him that
I'm having cleaning reasons. He said :"It's ok, I'll wait, after all,
we ARE going towards the same neighborhood. What's the point in having
called two cabs at this hour?!? And, by the way, there's safety in
numbers!" And he winked at me.
At the moment , the thought crossed my mind, for just a split
second, that he had something malicious in that wink of his...I
should've paid more attention to my gut feelings...
As we said our good-byes to the host, we were slowly heading down
the stairs. Between floor 3 and floor 2, there was a small corridor with
two rooms and two more bath-rooms. He forcefully grabbed me by the
hand, totally unexpected, giving me no time to process what was going
on. By the time I had figured it out, he already had his hand on my
mouth, and the other was reaching for something or maybe he was just
struggling with my hands. I was gathering all my strength to escape the
room. My nostrils were filled with overwhelming, frequent respiratory
movements without any effect. I was simplifying his work, in fact. I
fought and I managed to escape his restrain, but as I was crawling
for the door (when did he shut it?!), he grabbed my ankle and I
fell. (God, I hope I didn't break a bone, or something...I have to
run! I can't get anywhere with this ankle!). I knew, quite clearly,
what was inside his mind (but how? why? why was he doing this? was it
really him - the man I spoke to -, two hours ago?!). I was no
match for his strength, and the more I was struggling, the better he
held me, just like a crushing machine. (air! I need more air! these
foamy gases are choking me!) I felt his filthy breath closer and
closer to my face, reeking of alcohol and cigarettes.(Please, Please
stop touching me! I beg of you STOP!).I started crying. I felt tears
flooding my ears as I was laying on my back, squashed by his massive
bones. I was crying and I barely could mumble the words "Please,
stop!".
I think he did, because I remember myself running away. And it was
still dark outside. So he did not have time to harm me in any way more
than he'd already done. I remember that I cuddled in alone my own bed,
holding really close my stuffed toys. I remember waking up really,
really late. I had this sore ache in my wrist. My ankle hurt, too. I
said I fell while playing basketball. I must have.
I still have little gaps. Sometimes, I have
tormenting nightmares,
keeping me from sleep, weeks, and weeks...I wake up because of the
phantom-pain. I had problems with human approach for a long time since
the "event". I couldn't stand for anyone, be it man or woman, to
stay close enough to me so that maybe he/she could possibly touch
me. That is over now. Still, I am easy to be startled. Even as the
phone rings suddenly, I shiver. The only man whom I trusted to be
close enough to me, for a year and a half after the incident, was My Monster.He was very patient with me. Just as taming a
wild animal, you must not
miss the timing, or the whole process is in
vain. He did that. He really molded me back(or almost back) to
my former self.
I know these are the type of scars that never heal. I know that
people I will meet in the future have no fault for the past, so I
mustn't treat them like my own worst enemy. There's a very thin line
between being a little over - protective of oneself and becoming a
lonesome creature. I made many run away from me because of this. But I'm
still working on that balance, for "You
cannot protect yourself from sadness without
protecting yourself from happiness"-Jonathan
Safran Foer-
I still believe it is my fault. It is only fair that I accept the
consequences of my mistakes.