I'm always
thinking of stuff and then, before I can put anything into action (as if I would), someone else comes out with my idea. For example, all these shows on TV where
people stick a camera in someones face and ask them stupid questions: I was doing that back in the early 90s before anyone else even thought of it. Trouble is, I didn't see the money-making potential of the idea and therefore never cashed in.
So from now on I'm going to write my ideas down. And I'll be putting a date on them. Then, if someone else comes out with something similar, I have
evidence that I thought of it first. I don't know what purpose that will serve, but I'm going to do it anyway.
So here's my first idea: It's a
reality TV show. They're hot right now, in case you hadn't noticed. It's called "
People vs Freaked Out Wild Animals". Here's how it works:
Each week we capture a
wild animal. A
deer, a
raccoon, a
rabbit, a
goose, etc. The first 10 minutes of the show is us catching the animal. Wacky stuff will happen; there's a bit of a chase, maybe someone falls down and gets hurt or the animal bites them and we cut to a
30 second shot of that person getting a series of
rabies shots in a
hospital, wincing in pain. That's funny stuff.
Once the show takes off we'll go
on location in foreign countries and catch some of the local
fauna, to keep things diverse and interesting. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
After we catch the animal we
tie something annoying to some part of its body. Again, lots of potentially amusing stuff can happen here. Ever tried to tie a
cowbell to a
raccoon? I bet it gets really
pissed off and tries to bite you. That's good TV right there.
So we strap something annoying to the animal. Maybe a cow bell, maybe one of those baby toys that keeps making noise. Or maybe we even
tie one animal to another. The point is that we want a
pissed off animal for the show.
At the same time that one crew is prepping the animal, another is setting up the
hidden cameras. We'll hide cameras at a shopping mall, in a
church or a
restaurant or someplace like that. Some place indoors, where you don't usually see wild animals.
Then we take our pissed off animal and we let it loose in the target location. All cameras are rolling! Here's what I see will happen:
First reaction, people freak out and take off. We get a few shots of
scared faces, mothers picking up their babies and making a run for it, little kids screaming. Maybe we get lucky and some
250lb muscle-bound football player type guy squeals like a girl and jump on a chair. That'd be awesome.
Next comes the animal lover. Someone in the crowd is going to feel sorry for our raccoon with the cow bell or our deer with a squirrel tied to its back. And this
dork is going to try to approach the animal and help it. That's when the fun starts.
Take one pissed off, wild and untamed animal and then add an approaching human. Things are going to get nasty. I foresee
scratches,
kicks,
bites. Everybody loves to see a
do-gooder animal lover get bloodied by the very animal they're trying to save. That's good for at least a million viewers.
The final hidden camera scene will be the animal control people coming to capture the animal. It's a short segment. They'll walk in, trap the animal in a box or catch it with a giant net or even
shoot it dead.
Then we walk up to the
animal control people, cameras in hand, and we pretend to be a
local news team, broadcasting
live. We ask animal control "What's going on here?" and they'll talk about how a live mongoose with a stapler tied to its leg (or whatever the case may be) managed to get into the
Wal-Mart. The viewers will laugh because they'll all know it was really us and the animal control guy doesn't suspect a thing! What a
maroon!
We'll wrap the show with the credits rolling up and some
outtakes or
bloopers playing behind it. Sometimes it'll be bloopers, like when the camera man gets
bit by a snake or something we really weren't expecting. Or if we get caught we'll show the cops arresting us and we'll all be yelling "
PETA!
PETA!
PETA! Free the animals!" or some such nonsense about an animal charity that's totally unrelated to the show but who's lawyers will bud in and get involved, thus confusing the issue and pissing off the judge and he'll
throw the whole thing out of court and we'll avoid
jail time.
I'm thinking it'll be a half-hour show, once a week. After the second season maybe we'll
do a movie version where we release really big wild animals, like
lions or
ostriches, in public places in third-world countries. That way we can get away with it if they accidentally
kill someone.
This show is going to kick so much ass.