As this should have worked
For those of you who are joining us, the end of the year has passed Europe and Africa. It is now moving onto the eastern Atlantic at a rate of some 15 degrees per hour, which it has maintained ever since the first sightings in the Pacific. At this speed, no trace of 2009 will remain on this Earth in twelve hours' time. Please remain calm. Stay in our homes. Despite any rumors you may have heard, there's yet no evidence that this event is destructive. Panic is the worst thing you can do to prepare yourself and your loved ones for whatever may come. This station will continue to bring you the latest news for as long as we can.
In a press conference earlier today, a DOD spokesman stated that the United States would take, quote, "any steps necessary" to "defend the sanctity of its soil and people." Details are scarce, but reliable sources tell us that the aircraft carriers USS Theodore Roosevelt and USS Carl Vinson have left their homeports on the East Coast. More on this as it develops.
Joining us now is our special correspondent Joyce Green from Hawaii. Joyce.
Hello, Harry. Behind me is being held what may be the most important conference in history. Delegates and scientists are being flown in from all over the world, many of them from countries no longer with us in 2009. All of them here to answer a simple question: Why would something so huge, so powerful, follow human time zones? How does it relate to us, and how do we use that?
And what can you tell us about their findings?
They're not letting reporters in, but with all the traffic going on it doesn't really matter. I wish I could say things have gone well. For the longest time the whole conference was stalled by accusations about some kind of superweapon test. They're just getting to the real issue: Time zones. Are they, somehow, malfunctioning? Are they holding the event back or causing it to happen? Apparently, Harry, they're planning on tests: making declarations that move small parts of a time zone east or west. Of course nobody wants to do that on their own territory. There's talk of putting the zones out of order, switching what are known as UTC-3 and UTC-2. Some say that this would short out or break the effect, the threshold, others call it too dangerous. But I have to say... there's a fear in the air that if all this is really man-made, our decisions may have lost the power to affect it when China and India left us.
Of course we're all praying for success. Back to you.
Thank you, Joyce.
I just want to add that if Donny and Bobby are watching, I love you both, and if Mommy can't --
Yes, yes, thank you. Here in the studio, we've received word from NASA that it cannot execute a space launch in the time remaining. It is now confirmed that human beings cannot be sent beyond the reach of the time zones. This puts an end to the second of two popular escape plans: early drilling attempts were discredited by geologists, citing experience from the Cold War. The message went on to apologise for placing the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, and -- one moment, please.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been informed that the University of Pennsylvania has received a transmission from a research team beyond the threshold. We'll see if we can get it to play.
--sistant Hodgkins. We were actually in Edinburgh for a marine biology expedition, but when we got the news we headed to the countryside to establish an, erm, emergency observation post.
The threshold has passed us, I repeat, it has passed us. We're still alive, as far as we know, right way round, three-dimensional...
We didn't feel its passing, but there was an effect. Bursts of multicolored light throughout the visible spectrum, concentrated above cities, towns, population centers of all kinds. They built up through the evening and peaked on the critical moment. Jake here is convinced they focus on intelligent life, but even he says we don't know yet.
All our stuff works. We, uh, didn't all have oxygen masks - the atmosphere is breathable. In fact the air is crisp and clear, and somehow there's this sense of expectance, it's difficult to describe. We're naturally trying to test for trace contaminants. Gravity's still 32.2, all the chemical reactions we've done have worked. I wish we had proper instruments for this. One thing we're not sure about is the spatial relationship to 2009. We can't find a way back. We've done the numbers, they just aren't making sense.
...
The architechture here looks similar to 2009. Of course, we're only just past the threshold. I expect this will change as we move in deeper. We haven't tried our water and food yet, but can continue -- wait. Hold on, what's that thing? Hey! AAH--
With a too-wide grin at Dimview