It is dangerous to be in love with one person, and infatuated with another.
You admit love, you want to share your life with one person, and you are comfortable always having them around. The thought of them not being a constant part of your life is unpleasant at worst. You talk happily of sharing a home, of possibly settling down to make a family, so on and so forth. Holding them, having them hold you, is a warm fuzzy feeling.
And yet..
Someone else dominates your thoughts. You know you won't up and leave the life you've made, but thoughts of secret, stolen moments with the object of your sudden infatuation sneak into your mind at random moments. Driving, riding a bus, trying to fall asleep... they are there, tantalizing you with visions of things you shouldn't have - and want all the more, because of it.
This level of obsession (as it is slowly becoming) is completely new to me. I have felt the teasing pull of infatuation before, but never so strongly. Perhaps it is because it came at a time in my life when I was able to act on it, when, for a short time, I was able to forget my complicated love life and simply follow my hormones.
That is most likely the reason.
But my love life is slowly pulling itself together, and I am not sure how I feel about it. I am in love again, I believe.. and yet.
I have lain with my lover, with my mind full of You.
Your kisses were different, and exciting for their difference. The touch of your hands on me, both urgent and teasing, drove me to a wildness I have not experienced in a long time. We let our passions run free until we were slick with sweat, our bodies burning in forbidden desire, clutching hard to each other - as if by holding hard enough, we could become one, and satisfy the raging lust between us.
I could go on for hours, describing it. How your skin felt under my hands, how you tasted, the small sounds we made..
But that is not what I have set myself to thinking tonight.
I know what I should - and will - do. I cannot have you, and not simply because I believe I am too in love with someone else already. Our lives are going in different directions, slowly. For now, we are suspended in the same place, but your plans involve a place far from here, where you are needed, where you feel you will find the life you want. I have to stay here, where I have things to do, people who need me.
You are the most delicious person to have ever crossed my path, and while I want you more than anything right now...
I know that after a time, this will fade. You are content in singlehood, I am mostly content with the love I've rediscovered here. We may dance our fiery circles for a little longer, but I don't expect it to last forever.
I am in danger of repeating myself endlessly now, so I will depart.
#1: Know that I will always love you, no matter what happens.
#2: Know that I will never forget you, nor how you made me feel at a time when I desperately wished only to feel wanted.