Having a Pet Wasp?

The conventional view of the wasp may well epitomize the annoying, the undesired and the untamable. However this needn't be the case. If looked at in a more optimistic light the wasp could conjure up images of a loyal, trustworthy companion with whom one could, potentially, form a long-lasting and highly beneficial relationship.

It could be only a matter of hours before you are taking your wasp for a walk in the park, a trip to the zoo or causing havoc in your local supermarket all you need to do is follow three basic steps:

Firstly, you need to chose your target wasp. My advice would be: beware looks can be deceiving. Refrain from being seduced by a pretty face or an enticing figure instead, take a step back and contemplate the decision in hand from a more scientific viewpoint. The name 'wasp' usually incorporates merely the two large families (Vespoidae and Sphecoidae)and fails to encompass the vast array of diverse wasp life that inhabits this planet on which we live. Although nearly all wasps are friendly, enigmatic and playful the ideal wasp is the 'yellow jacket wasp'; this is the subject of your hunt.

Secondly, you need to locate this future buddy. The simplest and most effective way of identifying a wasp is to look at its relative size and to note the pattern on its abdomen. Several wasp species can be found all over the states and the U.K. but caution must be exercised when trying to catch any species of wasp. Although most wasps are completely harmless to humans it's a bit of a pain in the bum (or finger or whichever unlucky body part) to get stung. So i offer you a safe, yet amusing, plan of attack. You need to be equipped with a glass of coca cola and a towel. This method is primitive but highly productive. Place the glass of cola in an easily wasp-accessible position, sit back and wait for your nice big yellow jacket to appear. Then as the wasp, we'll call it Jack, approaches the glass you will feel the nerve terminals deep in your heart tissue begin to produce noradrenalin and your heart's pumping rapidly accelerate. The oxygen, glucose and energy levels in your body maximised as you grab the towel and place it securely over the glass with Jack caged inside; he's yours.

Your next task is to give Jack a lead upon which it can freely roam; this needs to be done under general anesthetic. At this stage Jack should not be moving much due to the shock of nearly drowning, the occasional shiver pulsating down his body, but nothing more. Time to administer the anesthetic. Open the fridge door and place the immobilized Jack inside the fridge and leave to cool, Martha Stewart stylie, after three minutes (beware of leaving it too long, else you're new found friend may die, or else be cryogenicly frozen for the next three million years) take Jack out of the fridge and lay him on your work surface. Now tie a piece of fuse wire securely around the wasp's abdomen. Finally, keeping hold of one end of the fuse wire, wait for your new pet to regain consciousness after his painless and far from traumatic day's excitement.