I recently discovered that I am, in fact
poly. I always knew before,
deep inside
my heart, but I never had the word to place with the feeling. I always had this
inner
craving for multiple partners, but I allowed my
environment suppress
it…to
extinguish it, like a child pulls a
butterfly's wings off, so it
won't fly away and leave them
lonely…
To me, polyamoryis just like communism. It's a damned good idea, but
it will never work in the long run. Human nature will always eventually
give in to jealousy, lust, and greed, and everything that was made that
was so beautiful just comes crashing down, like castles made of cards.
Now, I sit here, listening to the music of Dralion, thinking, wondering what
I am supposed to do now. I don't want to be poly…I have never seen an
example of poly work. I am afraid from the pain I have experienced…I
fear what my heart yearns for and I don't allow myself to reach for it. I
know that I can be happy with just my love, and I don't need any more than
her…but sometimes my inner self calls out for more. Sometimes I need the
touches and love of someone else, and I don't like it…not at all.
I rock back and forth softly to the haunting melodies of the music, things
zipping through my mind. I think of how I just want my masukomi and how I
want others at the same time…and I hate myself for it sometimes. I wonder
how I should deal with it all…I hope deeply that masukomi will always
love me as much as she does now. I want it to just be her and me in a giant
gossamer bubble…just she and I, happy in our marriage one day to
come. And then, for some reason, I scold myself for being so damned young,
engaged, and trying to have children, and yet thinking of wanting others.
I really do hate being poly. I know I'll forgive myself, but I worry about
how long it will take me to do so.