Man, the time vortex creating this weird as shit reality where they have winter camp and I am still a camp counselor is getting out of control. Today, one of the kids, he turned into a troll and he started grabbing at the hem of my short shorts. It was weird as SHIT, dude. I am telling you. My thighs are silky smooth and ROCK HARD, and so are you right now. Gotcha, little nebbish.

So, I don't know what you Star Trek type people can do for me, but I am still hoping that one of you knows something about quantum leap mechanics. They say that show was fictional, but he built that time palace in 1999, so I figure there must be some trainees right now that were dismissed for being quarrelsome or something. I could use some help in navigating the space-time continuum, thank you very much. Bitches!

While you are getting into whatever nerdy-ass outfits you people get into wearing OUTSIDE these days, I will talk some more. Hope that is cool with you bitches. I am hot, by the way. Damn, am I hot. I would fuck myself if I had an Oscar Meyer Wiener. I might stop by my grocer's processed meats section for some of that on the way home, whenever I manage to get home. I have a tits apartment in the North End. It is seriously tits, bitches.

This camp. So fucked up. We went in for swimming lessons the other day. It is winter somewhere in upstate Maine, or late March anyway. Same thing up in these parts. Ask Susan Collins. She comes out to dip her wick in the snow every morning before she gets ready to voice concern down there in D.C. Brave bitch. Gotta love it.

I was NOT giving lessons. I look good wet, but I do not get into water like that unless he is seriously hot and has a frozen woman fetish (someone ought to node that). Then I am down for it. Otherwise, no fucking way.

Eating fucking Lays this evening in my heated cabin when this frozen kid comes up to me. He seriously cannot be real, because this is some kind of alternate reality, so I CANNOT be processed back in my own reality when I get there. And I will get there, you believe me. Even if I have to sell some dude my underwear to snif. There are guys like that. They'll pay hundreds of dollars for your used panties. Saves me doing a load of wash. I do it all the time. That's how I afford a daily bikini wax.

So, the kid comes up to me, tugs on my finger, because I am seriously just wearing my bronze tan with my gorgeous tits floating in the air, and I am like, "What? I am naked, bitch!" And he says that Dougie, one of the campers, froze to death. I said build a fire. Burn that shit up. These kids can't be real. This is an alternate reality. What is the worst that can happen to me?

Also, I got this letter in my email today. I think it might be spam, but it mentions this site. If anyone knows what it means, let me know.

Dear Ms. Counselor,

We regret to inform you that we have recently lost one of the central members of our family. The Behr Extended Universe has decided that after your recent performance, we would like to give you a more prominent role. If you party too much celebrating, please don't drink, or take substances other than tapioca and cake, and then drive. 

Dorsey "Chopper" Lane, COO and everything2 monitor, Behr Extended Universe