It feels that I've taken a step in the right direction today, feeling a renewed sense of responsibility and growing up. Work has become different in my eyes, and simply because I've realized my role in the team. On the other hand, I took a step backwards, literally
daydreaming about happier days. I guess I couldn't get a better day for a while so I relish the thoughts.
I got to work extra early today, but of course after eating my lunch. I took the
Richmond Auto Mall shuttle, then proceeded to
McDonald's to grab my sister some lunch. At least she had something to eat instead of the junk she usually eats. Only if I was concerned about my health as I was about hers.
Little brother mentality I presume.
For the first time in years, I woke up in the exact same position aas I fell asleep in. I'm a notorious
kicker, and I roll a lot. Even with a disturbing nightmare bothering my sleep, I woke up, arms crossed across the chest, but sweating nonetheles. I hope that it was due to the heat being turned up but I knew that it was smarter for me to not ask questions. I haven't worked out for a while now and mentally, I never realized to what extent I was becoming
dependent on it. Venting pent up physical frustration is a great way to lose weight, tone up muscles, and relieve
mental anguish. I'm not saying that it's a miracle cure but it works for me so I follow it.
I got to work exceptionally early (almost an hour and a half) early. I'm one of those people that rather be painfully early than fashionably late. It was a nice overcast today. Cloudy but cool enough to be able to sit outside comfortably without a jacket. I remembered thinking how awkward life is when the one of the expected high points of the day is to play tetrinet, in which I did poorly in, to simply spite people. Also I considered dropping my economics class because I can't consistently be in class due to the lack of a car in conjunction with
the translink strike. The sun shone through the clouds for on emoment, causing me to look up, as in disbelief of its appearance. Eyes are still puffy, both from lack of sleep and from what I believe is an illness that I am fighting. It's that
queasy feeling, threatening to tear me up from the inside out. The prospect of losing my lunch on the employee deck at work was the only thing that kept it in.
As I'm always outside, I'm starting to realize and appreciate life's subtle beauties. I'm not talking about the vast beauty of the sun setting or the sounds of rain falling on the ground. I'm talking about the way puddles ripple when disturbed by rain or the breeze. The rhythmic way that trees
sway with the wind. It seems as though they were telling a story, one of beauty and one of the nature of life. Life is great until something disturbs you and even then, the strongest beings in the world survive by simply following the flow of
destiny as it intertwines with
fate. No resistance, no urge to fight. Simply
flow. How incumbersome. How profound yet so idealistic and so unachievable. Finally, I've found a standard to compare my life to. It is simply hard to understand what you want to do when you don't know what you want. It's even harder to know where you're going without knowing where you have been. You might be
going in circles all this time. I sat on the deck for another half hour before I placed my jacket over my shoulder then sat down for another hour, watching life pass me by.
My boss talked to me about how I dealt with the shop over the weekend. My other boss was sick so I dealt with all the administrative duties. At first, I thought that he was displeased but he wasn't so I felt relief. It was the first time that I talked to him like that, other than during work, asking small questions like "Where is that? Do we sell that?". It was nice but I didn't know what to say. He left so that he could work so I started folding
origami cranes. I started giving them out to random co-workers. They all thanked me, and it made me feel that I made their day a little nicer. Some even put the birds over the terminals. It made me smile, even for just a moment.
Work was a breeze, though I was alone most of the night. I did hurt my wrist though and hope that it will be okay by tomorrow. I'm pondering whether to go to school tomorrow or not, knowing that I'll drop the class in a split second. My mom picked me up, and still, we say nothing to one another. We gas up the car and I paid for it, since I drive it as much as she does. Rising gas prices aren't the greatest values around of course but I guess it was the thought that counts.
I get home, and realize that I've left my
S.E.S cd in my locker at work. I'll go get it tomorrow. I sat outside for about 45 minutes looking at the sky. It's still cloudy out but the crisp breeze makes clouds rapidly moving. The moon peers down on me, but I don't mind. I come back inside and play some tetrinet, and chat online. Now I'm here.
Kan Mi-Yuon of
Baby V.O.X is now on my winamp, and she's singing in my
winamp player. Sometimes I want to believe that she's singing a song to me, telling me how much someone like her wants to be with me. I stress how much she wants to be with me, not someone like me. I guess that's the appeal of the music to me. It calms me down and helps me imagine scenarios not possible in real life. Now I turn off my speakers and her voice resonates in my head. Wait. It's not Mi-Yuon's voice. Noo. Not now. I can't deal with this. I sleep.
I feel drowsy. I place my hands along the walls, feeling their surface in the dark. I don't know where I'm going nor do I care. I need to get out, to find where I am supposed to be. I stumble upon something cold, and fall on one knee. I feel the thing I stepped on and know its a body. I feel the face and know it's not mine. I keep moving, knowing the sooner I find my face, the sooner I'll find home.