I hate people asking me "How was your day?"
Because every day seems to suck. And I get tired of talking about it.
I don't really have the energy to write--not a blog, not livejournal, not anything. And really, I don't see any purpose to it anymore--everything that can be said about my life has already been said by others about their own lives. In other words, you are not special (and neither am I). There may be variations of color or pattern, but ultimately, it's all the same.
You'd think that would make me feel unified with the universe or something, but it doesn't.
You are not special. Everyone eats, shits, farts, sleeps, fucks. Everyone hurts, cries, feels put-upon, is depressed. Everyone is self-centered, selfish, uncaring about others. Everyone wants to be more than what they are. You think your lover is so special? He isn't. You think you're cheating is so bad? You're no different than anyone else.
You think you're different? Yeah, well, so does everyone else.
So I'm tired of being repetative. I'm tired of saying things that are just depressing and unoriginal. Since I can't be original, I'm going to go silent. More or less. I mean I'm not shutting down my website, but I'm not going to post much anymore. Not here or there.
Besides, I mostly just read, anyway. Passiveness is much easier.
I'm tired of being outraged. I'm tired of wringing my hands about Bush, or Iraq, or the environment. It's not that those things aren't important, but let's face it--I'm one stupid kid against the world. I am a minority in many ways. So let's stop pretending we can save the world by marching in the streets or not shopping at Walmart. Forget it. They've won. It's a damn farce, and I'm tired of being righteous. Because it's not getting me anywhere.
Me me me. Sounds selfish, doesn't it? Little white girl with rich parents complaining that she's not getting anywhere. Some child from Sudan ought to just shoot me and leave me to be raped or something. But they can't, I'm here, and I'm miserable because I found out I'm not special. I'll never be a writer, or musician, or anything really. I'll always be the fat, angry, ugly STD-ridden loser I've always been. The one with the bad teeth, facial hair, and halitosis. The one who gets drunk a lot and is stupid.
So I'm a loser. Big fucking deal. Most people are. And frankly, the successful people are usually bastards anyway. But there's no justice, you realize. They're not going to burn in hell. Nothing is going to happen to the kid who bullied you after school. Nothing will happen to your ex-girlfriend. There is no revenge. Get used to it--everyone who picked on you in school is going to be a lot more successful than you hope. Maybe even more successful than you.
So I give up. I'm waving the white flag. I have nothing else to say. Nihilism wins. Ta-da!
Here's the thing--suicide looks good not because I want to die, but I'm tired of living. That said, I'm not saying I'm suicidal. But it looks like a good option. Believe me, the people who die eventually fade away. It's only a temporary pain.