This is one of the worst days I ever had. Some good things happened last night as a birthday celebration for one of my friends dragged on and turned into today. But then when I awoke, inspired by some events from last night, my day was punctuated with an incredibly depressing demand from this incredible girl I'm stuck on.
I realized that I do have some cool friends. Like, Eric's a really cool guy to hang out with. And he and his wife have all of these other cool friends who all seem to have everything together. They looked so genuinely happy as they drank their liquor and sat in the irish pub telling jokes, flashing their breasts at one another in celebration of the total lack of inhibition brought upon them from the alcohol. And as they were all so concerned about one another, each other's lives, and how they were all doing. And they listened to each other's every word, and laughed so much. And I sat on the end of the table wondering why I never fit into crowds like this. They try to help me fit in. They try to share the joy and merriment with me. But I still feel like an outsider. They're not directly my friends. They all just seem like friends of friends.
All my friends seem like that. I can't shake the feeling. My friend Becky followed me like a puppy, noticing that I was feeling a bit distanced from everyone, and kept ignoring the calls from her boyfriend for her to go back home to be with him. She must have noticed that I felt out of place, and she wasn't going to let me give up and just excuse myself from the group to go drive her home. Each time I asked, she gave me more excuses. She's really just a very good friend, and knew that I need to be around people like that. And she was putting her life on hold for a while as a show of friendship.
And the friend whose birthday it was wouldn't let me slide out of the pictures. He cared that I was there to wish him a happy birthday, and to go to the nice spanish restaurant with him, and have a good night out on the town with all our friends. And he even called me just to chat a little when he finally managed to wake up today after the long night of partying.
But the only person I can think about, the only person my mind keeps caring about, still won't even try to be a friend. And I just don't understand why not. My whole life I searched for her. A young woman of extraordinary beauty both inside and out. One who I thought had seen a glimpse of the way I want to be. Someone who I thought had seen similar qualities in me once, and who could really love me the way my heart is telling me I love her. If only she didn't think I was some insecure loser for not automatically fitting in with people like my friend's friend Eric and all of his huge group of friends who know how to just be secure and cheerful and relax and party. I know I don't just blend in with those people, but I always felt that maybe I could if I just had a little encouragement. And I thought that girl I used to date was beautiful enough inside to not be stuck on such things, and could actually have some patience with me. Once when I told her I never felt like I was cool, she said that was okay because cool people are usually dumb. And I know I'm smart and sincere, and I try to be sweet. Maybe lately I don't seem so sweet to her because I'm so frustrated and don't know how to deal with emotions very well. I'm frustrated that she once told me in a little pool hall where we used to hang out together, while we were outside smoking, she said that she and I seemed to be heading towards the same place but through different routes. And I thought that meant that she saw past my sensitivity and cautiousness and realized that my heart was pure and that I desired the same sort of relationships with other people that she wanted. I thought she was disgusted by facades and attitudes, and that she believed as I believe that if a person cares about you and is nice, and doesn't quit on you when you need help, and who you can always rely on, that that was more important than whether they had a cool car and cool clothes. And if the person doesn't always know how to say the right things, that you shouldn't discount the fact that they're still there for you trying. Before, I thought she said she liked me. And I thought she agreed that with just a little work I'd be exactly what she wanted in a guy. I thought she was aware that just her being with me helped me. Just talking to her about things helped me figure it all out. I thought she was aware of how much peace she brought to my world and how much of that insecurity got washed away when she was with me and was building me up and giving me some hope.
But somehow I've managed to disgust that girl. That girl who used to so sweetly sit across from me on my patio and ask me to hush and kiss her. That girl who sat under the stars on a cold, foggy night on my favorite beach with me all night long just being with me. She's abandoned me now because I was so in shock that I found her that I didn't know what to do. And I don't know how to gain her favor ever again. So I just sit on my patio alone now, smoking, numb to the friends who aren't abandoning me and who are trying to be there with me. All the while I just stare out at the street and the few cars passing by at this late hour wondering how I'm ever supposed to learn how not to lose a girl like Brenda. And pondering whether the world even contains any other women like her that I might someday meet. What did I do that was so wrong in her eyes? I can't figure that out. I can't figure out how to get another chance to try and work whatever it was that was so wrong out with her. And she may be the only woman like her in the entire world.