My second day in a maximum security federal prison has left me at a loss for words. Thankfully, I keep some in reserve for times like this.
I pleaded with the guards to help me contact a civil rights attorney but they pushed me down and mocked me. I was unable to defend myself because my X-Man type hand was cut off with a bonesaw and I am a sexually aggressive ninety-year-old man who cannot do battle with buff guards with strong, manly bodies. I even told them I was a luminary with the famous everything2.com brand website but they were unmoved and threw me in solitary confinement where all I can do is masturbate and use my laptop.
Please help me, friends, for I am your friend Behr (Friend Behr).
Blessings be upon you and also upon your kin.