I have been following social distancing guidelines while engaging in favored hobby of reading magazines in the Walmart bathrooms. This sometimes gives me an opportunity to review a new magazine or a magazine you might not be familiar with. Today, I came across what looked like a series of pages printed off a dot matrix printer and stapled together on the left side to bind it together. Doing this made this a magazine, and I found it stuck behind the Field and Streams in my local Utica Walmart today. So, as any sane person would, I stuck it under my arm and rushed off to the toilet to have a look at it in secrecy.
As I licked my fingers and used them to turn each fascinating page of this magazine that was unevenly stapled together and had pictures from other magazines glued to its pages with some kind of paste, I was mesmerized by the interesting content inside of Strange Feelings Inside My Body Magazine, April 2020 edition. Both of my hands went up to my face as I read, my fingers and palms smearing snot from my nose all over my woman loving face. The magazine was that good.
So much of the snot that that basically pours out of my nose constantly, like a leaking faucet from Macy's, ended up on my naked thighs (I completely disrobe at the sink before going naked into my chosen stall for magazine reading - the optimum in comfort for straight white men like me). This happened because the articles in Strange Feelings Inside My Body magazine were so engrossing.
I don't know if you've ever experienced having strange feelings inside your body or not. I sure would like a printout of those you can remember and are willing to list for my purile enjoyment while naked in a Walmart bathroom. You can send those to Berhardt Goats, General Delivery, Utica, NY and enclose a self-addressed stamped envelope (a SASE) if you want me to autograph a picture of something and send it back to you. Just know that this will create a paper trail that links us together forever in the national consciousness. Be aware. Be motivated. Help a friend out.
In the first informative and insightful article typed up on these pages on some kind of 1980s style computer with dot matrix printer, I found that the author of the article had once experienced strange feelings inside his or her body. This was quite a coincidence, considering the name of the magazine and its primary focus area. It was like the two things were on the same page together. Incredible. This is why conservativism is so important right now.
I have this rubber hose that I often shove up inside me when my bowels get clogged and I had to run out to the car at that point to get it. Some manly work was going to go down in that bathroom stall. I got that hose all the way up and I hit black gold, Texas tea. What a feeling to be clear of all that. What remains of my liver came out with it. As reported earlier, internal organs are not necessary and keep us from being as thin as we could be without them. There is also a long fork I use for anything particular tricky that is way up in there.
Getting back to the magazine I am reviewing now, let me say that this a a good time to invest in magazine subscriptions. They are coming around again. Invest now.
Apparently the author of the first article, a T.R. Smallwood, woke up one morning to a sensation inside his body he had never felt before. He thought maybe a boll weevil had burrowed into his body through an orafice or two, but then he realized it was just a feeling and not something more serious. So, he or she went into the bathroom and looked into the mirror and broke down and starting crying. And that was the end of the article. Really eye-opening kind of material. Not for the faint of heart. Wonderful. Wholesome content.
In the second article in this fine publication, the author T.W. Briarwood, had gone out to a pet store to buy a pet monkey for home use. He got the monkey back and it turned out the monkey was sick with some kind of bad jungle virus that spread rapidly through the community. The monkey went mad, got a knife, and went out and murdered sixteen people. Years later, Mr. or Mrs. Briarwood had flashbacks and recurring dreams about the murderous monkey and the virus. This was an unsettling piece to say the least. There were several pictures of classical art paintings accompanying this article for some reason. There were no pictures of monkeys.
There were then three pages of pictures of bra models from magazines glued to the page. They were all trying to take them off in the pictures. It was very distracting.
The third article, by Morrow Stevenson "Guest Contributor" is something else. It appears from the text that Morrow was in the bathtub at a friend's house who was more of an acquaintance than an actual friend (quoted directly from the text but not in quotes as a style decision). Morrow had no right or standing to be "taking a tubby" at the home of this acquaintance. Apparently, he was there for a dinner with fifty people from his company (it was a big wealthy MAN's house) and he just decided to do this because of a strange feeling he had during dinner. This feeling was felt inside his body and so, in keeping with the focus of the publication in general (once again). Morrow was caught by the company vice president's wife in the tub in the middle of this work-related dinner party and he was fired. What an expose of American corruption.
These were very meaningful articles and I was engrossed. And it is so easy to become engrossed when inside the comfortable walls of a Walmart toilet stall. Stop what you are doing and get on down to where the fun is. Come on now, let us read some more.
Our next article is from "Doug's daughter" (no other information is given) and Doug's daughter talks about having "butterflies" the first time she felt her puppy's wet nose rubbing up against her face. What fresh hell is this? We must ask ourselves, and each other, this question. No one wants to read about that kind of shit.
The fifth article in this magazine, which is chock full of GREAT articles by GREAT writers, is by someone calling themselves "An Actual Woman." This article talks about going through menopause, which I found exciting to learn about. I think you would as well. Look for this edition on the shelves at your favorite Walmart today.