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Since this year's Annual Summit of the Straight White Men's Cultural Revolution has been postponed due to coronavirus, I am forced to remember last year's summit at which The Slap Kids performed throughout the weekend. Their amazing collection of all-white funkadelic sounds made me have to consistently stand up during the show because of the significant amount of arousal I achieved throughout the show (in my pants).

You haven't really been alive until you've seen a masculine all-white band funking it out on stage in front of an all-white male crowd. The energy is amazing and brings us back to our tribal white roots. Just watching these straight white men gyrating on stage gives me an erection in my straight white male pants that cannot be questioned or in any way trivialized. In fact, I will come for your families if you even attempt to trivialize this. It shows a hateful attitude, frankly.

Would You Rather Be Handsome or Free is one of their better known songs, in which men discuss back and forth whether they would rather be handsome or free. Each has pluses and minuses. The song gets into this a bit.

Poster of Kris Kristofferson is another song by them that they love to rock out to on the small stage afforded to them at Cultural Revolution Summit Meeting type events worldwide. If the chorus doesn't rock your socks off, you must be from another universe. This one really brings home the straight white male cultural experience... AND HOW. Last year when they played this, I was stuffing so many slabs of barely cooked beef into my mouth with vim and vigor that I vomited on my shoes three times. Amazing piece of art.

I remember one night during the summit a bunch of us men were listening to The Slap Kids' new CD on the stereo in Marvin's suite at the Four Seasons. We were really rocking out. Peter Mayberry pissed himself that night. He just stood there gyrating and his Foley catheter just came shooting out and it was a mess. Good times.

The story of the band's name comes from them all having had the shit slapped out of them when they were young. This instilled respect and obedience in them. They reflect this when they sing, Daddy Was Right When He Did That To Me. That one is a real crowd pleaser and shows how people turn out okay when they get slapped around a lot. The Slap Kids prove that because they are playing music on stage at summit meetings.

One of the fundamental messages of The Slap Kids' music is about how being straight, white, and male leads to rampant discrimination in society. This is why they play Look At Us, Look At Us with no pants on. The chorus bemoans how women can whip out a tit to feed a disobedient baby in public but men can't masturbate in town squares. They make a big point about that in this song.

Gummy Bears has childish lyrics, but they play this a lot at children's birthday parties when they try to turn kids on to their music, their philosophy, and convince them to get into their van. They only play this when the straight white adult male audience is properly soused.

Space Javelins is a song about some aspect of space that the band encountered when they went on a Gemini mission into space recently. There are these things like metal spears that coming shooting at you from all directions in space. They discuss this in this particular song, which funks out to an infectuous melody.

One of the bands favorite non-musical activities is going out to a bar, getting blind drunk, and then finding lower class people to absolutely beat on. They sing Lets Go Wilding to celebrate this wonderful life of adventure. It is important to get out and just go to town on people from time to time (once people come outside again - we'll be ready). Great stuff.

Punch the Illegal Alien is a toe-tapping number that also tells a story. The story is about a warehouse where a gross of illegal aliens is forced by cattle prod onto the warehouse floor. At that point, built and shirtless men covered with olive oil take turns punching them in various places as hard and as often as they can. Really masculine stuff that affirms our commitment to keep our nation on the straight and narrow and to bring back the morality of the past.

As bands go, you can't do much worse than The Slap Kids. I recommend listening to their music and booking them for your event today. Once the virus clears up, they are looking forward to taking their amazingly groovy white funk back out on the road to small and middling venues nationwide. The Slap Kids were also the first band to openly state what the liberal media wants to hide: That there are no other countries. They are fictional. There is only America. The rest was lost in the Cold War except for Germany.