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Your trusted and self-righteous friend Behr is no stranger to the controversy surrounding the latest Hollywood blockbuster, Where The Wild Things Are and so since friend Behr likes to make sure he sees all sides of an issue before making an informed and correct decision about it, he (meaning friend Behr) went to the movies tonight with his associates to see for himself if this film was really inappropriate for children.

Decisions like this one are tough to come by, as I know namby pamby liberals don't like their children to see any films that might scare them or cause them to wet their pants. I remember when I was very young, not even twenty-five years of age, and my mother took me to see The Exorcist and your friend Behr wet his pants and cried during the film. The intensity of Where The Wild Things Are isn't anything like that of The Exorcist, but making the comparison in this way allows me to make ample use of the emphasis tags which is good fun.

My good and trusted friend Chopper went with me to see this film at the state of the art David Hasselhoff Memorial Theatre Complex in downtown Baltimore. It was much nicer and contained much more chrome than the lousy theatre down the street from my house that is overrun with hippies and communists and shows a lot of films in languages other than English with annoying subtitles that are hard to read when there are so many people who walk around during these movies. I really wish someone would teach them the skill of sitting still before someone like Chopper "busts a cap in their ass" as he likes to say when he is lit up on the amphetemines he gobbles by the handful all day long.

The first thing I noticed, aside from the nice looking chrome bannisters and signage, when I walked into this new theatre was the low-cut uniform tops on the female ushers. Now if I may be frank, your good friend Behr likes this kind of thing, especially when the female usher is working in an air conditioned theatre where the air conditioning is turned up really high so as to make it very cold as breasts love to be stared at when they are cold. And what about those nipples, eh? I know you are with me there, but is this the kind of thing you want your children exposed to? No one, and I mean no one, should have any physical or visual contact with breasts until they are at least thirteen years of age and then I approve of free for alls. Children should not be exposed to air chilled breasts. It is simply wrong. And so I had to make a note of this. One strike against Where The Wild Things Are on these grounds. Not a good start.

After we sat down in the theatre I noticed a strange aroma in the air around me, sort of like a funky cigar. I know that smoking is no longer allowed in theatres thanks to Kenyan strongman Barack Obama's invasive laws, so something had to be afoot. Two teenagers sitting in the row in front of us were passing a marijuana cigarette back and forth. Chopper was quick to join in, asking them to pass it back to him, and offered me a taste, which I refused because marijuana is illegal. Chopper and the young ones went on to inform me that "you need to get high to enjoy this movie, friend Behr." As you might imagine, this was strike two.

I waited patiently for the previews, as I knew there weren't any naked ladies in this film and hoped to fill that need through the previews, when I looked over to see two men on the other side of the theatre making out. They were both men! They were making out! In a movie theatre showing a film that may or may not be appropriate for children! I stared at them, hoping they would take the hint and stop, but then they yelled across the theatre at me, "This was our favorite book growing up!" Assuming they meant the movie (as they didn't appear to have brought any books into the theatre) I had to put a third strike on the movie. And you know what they say, three strikes and you're out.

And so, without any question, your friend Behr can tell you that the film Where The Wild Things Are is inappropriate for children and you should keep your children away from it. Chopper seemed to really enjoy the movie after smoking his wacky weed, and so did his new friends, but your friend Behr just stared at the screen speechless.