Dear So-and-so who will remain unnamed here: (an excerpt)
I really don't know sometimes what I was supposed to be. What am I doing with my life, or what's to become of me. I don't know if forces are holding me back from realizing things, or whether that force is me, myself. Constantly sabotaging my own senses. I know you'll understand me.
I sometimes (well, probably more often than a word like sometimes implies) think back in time to those weird, scattered, poetic moments of our shared experiences back in the day. There was this certain way I felt.. this certain way I think we all felt for awhile there, that something was going to happen. Whether this was naive of us, or me I don't know. I know that I was more naive then than I am now, as age is wont to do to the beings who experience it, but at the same time I can almost so clearly track the exact point where I stopped one path that I was on and turned down another, the path that eventually has led me here. Was that path the right path? I'll never know. Was there even another path to take? The past is so tricky. There was a point that I honestly would have done anything in the universe to see that you and I could somehow create some kind of life together, that we would support each other into the things and forests and rivers of our minds together, and that no matter what came of it, it would be good, it would be right, it would be the right path. I have no idea if you felt any of that inside of you. I shouldn't even be writing this, but sometimes I rely so much on what I feel is communicated between people "unsaid" that I forget that maybe in that unsaying, nothing was ever said at all. I want to make the motions to say these things. And I can analyze, overanalyze, redimensionalize, unfracture and unravel, but I'll never know. Lost in those months of psychoactive drugs... Why did I end up making the quick choice I made? And at the time, who was I? How did it happen that I re-sculpted my self so easily then into that life? And it's not about love or not loving.. We know that the world is not limited to "I love this person, and no one else" and yet we are made to pretend that sometimes. Or something like that. And I love ______ tremendously, and I want to make everything right, and have everything always be right. But there are parts of me who have died in making that a reality. These are the same parts of me that suddenly awaken when I see you, or -------, or hear from either of you. And these parts of me could find a happy, living place if somehow we could be closer together, in some way.
I think the last time I made any attempt at communicating these kinds of thoughts to you I got no response back, and if that's the approach you want to take, believe me I understand. At the same time, know that any dialogue you want to have with me on this subject is important to me. We have our lives, we're living them. We're both with people that we love and take care of and the universe keeps on tilting and wars are being fought and minds are being broken, and maybe just by talking about such things we (I?) can calm my tumultuous head.
I've been to this place while under salvia divinorum.... this extra-dimensional zone where I woke into this place and you were there and ------ and many others, those few that somehow we are compatible with that i haven't met before, that i have met. it's all a blur. it was several years ago that I had this journey... anyway, the experience was too true for me to deny. we need to find some way that we can be near each other. I do anyway. I shouldn't speak for you, or for anyone else...
Well, I should somehow close all this up. I'll mention that I've been drinking wine, and I apologize if my words and thoughts are sloppy. Know that I love you, and that if _anyone_ ever asked me, that's what i'd say. my love for you knows no boundaries, but could live within a cage if it just meant getting to sit around in the same pet store.. or whatever metaphor I was trying to make.