technically, there are over eight hours until i can go home. i have many slightly non-obligatory obligations, which don't sound too bad i guess, but those are really the worst kind. they're the worst because the fact that you have a choice but
no choice which choice to choose places all the
burden on you. i'm stuck at work. i hate having to pretend to be busy when there's just not a
bloody thing left for me to do. they don't even need me here today. this whole week has been a joke. it's my last day, and i should be in a celebratory mood but i am not.
i don't care. really. i'm finding it hard to care about anything today.
example: my back itches. i can't bear to move my hand enough to scratch it.
my boyfriend just called me, and had nothing to say. i thought, with some irritation: why did you call if you had nothing to say? did you call me out of some non-obligatory obligation? and then: why am i always an obligation?
i don't like feeling like an obligation. i don't think i fit very many places. my thought of the day is that most of the time, when i'm standing somewhere, it's just by the good graces of the other people around that i do not spontaneously combust. i had a spontaneous-combusty few minutes last night. unfortunately, it was obvious. either i'm slipping, or the people around me are just more sensitive than they used to be. or they're different people. or i'm just a pain in the ass. *laughs*
there's a quote that jen has written on a sticky note and pasted to the rolodex in this cubicle. it makes me feel better whenever i look at it.
the instant made eternity.
--robert browning