Note: I am a very
melodramatic person. If you don't want to read
a bunch of self-absorbed whiny bullshit, do both of us a favor and
skip to the next wu.
I know I should get next to you
You've got a look that makes me think you're cool
But it's just sexual attraction
Not something real so I'd rather keep wackin'
Why bother? It's gonna hurt me
It's gonna kill when you desert me
This happened to me twice before
It won't happen to me anymore
I've known a lot of girls before
What's the harm in knowing one more?
Maybe we could even get together
Maybe you could break my heart next summer
It's a crying shame I'm all alone
Not with you, nor her, nor anyone
Won't you knock me on my head
Crack it open let me out of here
-Weezer
Ever feel like you have put your life on pause? Here I am ..
19 years old. First year college student, commuting from home.
And, I feel like I am the same person I was as a high school junior,
.. if not a worse person. At least I had direction then.
Of course, it is in my personality to easily become overwhelmed
by internal thoughts, to have them bounce around and around
chaotically like a tennis ball in a racquetball court.. so it is
best (for my sake) that I specify what is bothering me, exactly,
rather than talking in vague terms.
It boils down to two things: Human contact, and purpose. In a way,
this is all that life boils down to, and I feel that I don't have
either one down.
Human contact: I am a very selfish person. I am not able to
forgive my parents. They betrayed me when I was younger and
I still have not forgiven them. This is because I feel that
they are still betraying me by being so dysfunctional and
showing me a bad model of interpersonal relationships. I am unsure
of the extent of this current, extended betrayal is real and of the
extent that is merely perceptual.
Because of this betrayal, I have shut my parents out of my life.
Almost every word I mutter to either one of them is a perfunctory act
with little care. Every sound I hear from either my mother or
father go across the paper-thin walls of this 1-bedroom apartment
into my room upsets me. At graduation, my mother said something to
the effect of: "I didn't help him in anyway. He did this all on his
own."
I have recently come to realize, that this behavior is perhaps nonsensical and unwarranted upon my part. But, my reason cannot
win over my emotions. I have no control, right now. I think it
comes down to that I still resent, and even fear (to an extent) my
parents.
I would like to move out of the house to rectify this situation..
However, if I do I will have to become 100% financially independent
as well. (I already have a full scholarship..) Because of studies, I believe I can only do 20 hours of work without affecting my GPA. I haven't looked very actively to find a job with a wage that I can afford to live on with such a short timetable.. Perhaps I need to swallow my pride and take out a student loan next semester.
Friends. I do not feel very connected to my friends.. Ira.
When I lost my interest in video games we lost our common ground.
Brandon.. We have common ground but are not close friends.
The debate crew.. No common ground.. not close.
Friends (and sometimes more) of the opposite sex. Tara.. We
both deluded ourselves into thinking we were in "love", when
this facade came apart I felt deeply hurt and betrayed.
Meredith and Lindsay.. I was too scared to pursue either of these
because of my previous, even though there was mutual interest.
Katie. I am unsure of our relationship. At a time we were very
interested in each other.. but now, because of outside constraints
we see each other rarely (Once or twice a month...)
Katie is a very independent person. I wish, that, I could discuss
this in detail with her, and that she could help me. But, I can't
bring myself to do this.. She would think I'm a total nut. Plus,
we aren't close enough where we could talk about these kinds of
things. However, I have called her twice, as a sobbing mess ..
I remember some of the things she said to me:
"Calm down. You're going to die of a heart attack before you're
20, and you're 19 now."
"You analyze everything. Everything you say has a quantifier, a
clause, everything. You need to be like me and not think."
Thank you, Katie, for saying these things to me.
I think that one of my problems is that I look for Katie to be my
life rather than someone to share it with. Although I have learned
not to let this be known,
( I do not act obsessively, except for in my mind. None of this
borderline stalker behavior. )
it still doesn't stop me from thinking
it, and she probably still knows. (That, or she thinks I don't like
her because I go at such lengths to not smother her.)
I perceive that she does not share the same enthusiasm for me that I
share for her. It makes sense: After all, she is an independent
person. While her life may not be all together (I don't know either
way), it appears to be, and she isn't leaning on me. I, however,
am looking to lean on her, but I am not..
( Am I making sense? )
"Someone" bless her heart,
( When we talk to each other, we use the term "Someone" instead
of God, because she is atheist and I am agnostic. )
for putting up with me when I come to her. I am such a baby.
Purpose: By purpose, I mean, what I am to do in life. What I
do to make a living. What I do for enjoyment. I don't know how to enjoy myself. I have been interested in two things for a long time,
ever since I can remember: technology, and music.
Technology: I now view computers as a means to accomplish a purpose
rather than a purpose in themselves. The problem is: What can
I use a technology for? This technology for the sake of technology
bullshit bugs the hell out of me. And I have no idea what I want
to use technology for.
And I am STILL a CS major. I'm good at it, and I got into it because
of interest, but, damnit. The sad thing is, I cannot think of a
better major for myself. Maybe math. I have always loved math.
But what am I going to accomplish with a math degree? Maybe EE. But
I don't really know anything about that ..
Avid computer users (at least the ones at my school) bug the hell
out of me. Another reason to dislike the computer angle. Talking
to some of them is like talking to slashdot, incarnated as a person.
I am tired of the fucking Monty Python, Star Wars, and HHGTTG quotes.
You know what? I realize that there is no reason I should hate these
things. But I do.
I hate the way some of them spout off ideas without any real justification. I hate listening to someone rant about how evil Microsoft or AOL is when they can't give reasons why.
"Visual basic is a piece of crap language."
"Can you tell me why it's bad?"
"It doesn't support as many things as C++."
"I know someone programs professionally in VB. His company just
rolled out a full scale database written entirely in VB, and he
gets paid good money to use it."
"Well, just because it can be used to write professional applications
doesn't mean it's not a bad language."
"Can you tell me why it's bad?"
"Well, it tries to be object oriented but it's really not."
Um, thanks for the great reasons. I love how enumerated they are.
Well, I take back what I said a bit ago.. I have thought of one end I could use
computers as a means for. Graphic design. The only problem is,
I am not good at it. I have tried to learn about it. I have tried
to mess with it. But I never do well. My school has a very small
arts department and there are no design specific courses.
I don't know how to enjoy myself..
Blah. I really have written enough for one night. My arm hurts. And everytime I write something it comes out the same as before.