My epiphany. I'm bisexual.
I know, big fscking deal, right? Get a life, right? Go read some one else's day log then.
I can't believe I've lived this long and just found this out but I have, and I didn't know, and it is really true.
I feel like such a freak show and at the same time, can't wait to get into another woman's pants.
I have been hanging out with some of the same friends, some are gay, some are straight, old, young, blah blah blah. And I tend to want to try new things, both physical, mental, or sexual. So when a friend of mine began dating a grrl, who coincidentally, is named Jamie, I asked her to tell me about it. And it's always been one of those low key fantasies - like an orgy, or a threesome (fulfilled! yay!) or BDSM. But not a big deal, certainly not who I am.
So anyway, she did tell me about it. What's it like to kiss a girl? What's it like in bed? What is it like to hold her hand? I got more and more intrigued. It sounded really interesting. Still, just a fantasy type thing. I didn't ascribe any more anything to it than my desire to try dominating some one (preferably male) at some point, just something I wanted to try.
Well, as integration is proceeding at its own sweet pace (dear god or whatever when will this hell be over???) I started realizing that I really wanted to do this, to be with a woman sexually. But it was all abstract, all in my mind.
The day things changed, I was on a vacation in South Beach. I went into a gay bar. And everything fell into place. I saw this pretty Latino woman, walking in with her friend, probably straight, with a red mini-skirt up to here. Her friend was technically prettier, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I tried to stop looking at her, but as the evening progressed, kept stealing glances at her over and over. She and her friend swing danced to one of the songs, a slower one. Her legs were long and brown, she wore 4" high heels, and her hips went up and down from one side to the other as she gracefully danced with her partner.
I wanted nothing more than to slide my hand up that tiny red skirt and feel her pussy and make her come. It was then that I had my epiphany. This was no fantasy. This is a real, living, breathing, actual part of me that has always been there.
Walled off by my other selves, how would I have known, really? But now the walls are all coming down, almost all are down, and I am living inside a morass of confusion and chaos inside my head.
But this part of myself is now made clear.