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"Discussions" with friends about what science is for. I wonder sometimes. Almost everyone I know is a scientist. That's pretty much all they've got in common - in almost every other respect they're different. Some sing. Some write. Some play music. Some get involved in politics. Some are destined to do things that will change the world. Some will just be on TV. But the one other thing that unites them is that they seem completely unaware of any role they may have in society beyond the simple inter-personal interactions that almost everyone takes part in.

Hmm. I start talking about this sort of thing, and they look at me oddly. Why? Is the idea of giving something back to society if you take things from it really that weird and alien?

I'm a scientist. I do research. I find out new things that let other people find out new things and help us understand how things work. With a bit of luck, this helps improve life in some way (not necessarily in an obvious way, and not necessarily in the even remotely near future. But eventually. Somehow. Even if it's just a feeling of "Oh, I know why that happens. I don't have to worry about it.").

What I do impacts other people. I have an effect on society. At this point they start looking at me even more oddly.

One of the most common criticisms aimed at scientists is that they don't think about the consequences of what they're doing. That's what drove me to write science and morality. Scientists never think about morality, apparantly. We're all evil. We're responsible for the nuclear bomb, genetically modified food and human cloning. If only we'd thought about the consequences of our actions, the world would be a better place.

Of course, the fact that just about the entire population of the planet doesn't think about the consequences of their actions is besides the point. It's all down to the scientists.

On the other hand, society stands to benefit from stuff I come up with. If I used my personal ethical system to make decisions on whether or not I should release my results, where's the interaction with society? I'm making a personal choice that could affect billions. I'm in this position through my own choice, not that of society's. What right do I have to make this decision?

The ones that haven't wandered off by this point are disagreeing. We understand the issues better than the non-scientists, apparantly. They're not qualified.

This is where the duty bit pops up. As far as I'm concerned, society has the duty to decide what to do with my work. I have the duty to come up with the stuff in the first place and then make sure that they're sufficiently educated to be able to cope with it. Everyone's happy in the end. It all seems to make sense, but they still look puzzled when I suggest it.

Oh well. Never mind. For the first time in years (possibly my life), I feel like I've got something to aim for other than the next academic achievement. I'm probably missing something obvious, but I'm happy.

I'm looking forward to next week.

I haven't noded anything in a few days, I haven't even been home in a few days.
Alot has happened, though.
Primarily, a really great friend of mine named Malachi has returned to Asheville from Vermont, and we have been hanging out alot in the last few days.
I've also decided that I have a (rather intense) crush on a close friend of mine (her name is Bethany). I know it's stupid because not only am I not good with girlfriends (or friends for that matter), it is nearly impossible to shift a good close friendship to something more intimate.

I don't know how to explain the last few days, so instead I will give some excerpts from my "Paper Daylog" (a spiral bound notebook that is with me at all times, unlike my computer).

April 5:
Gears turn the mechanisms of memory's frears,
rolling like clockwork that never rusts through the years,
A perfectly oiled machine that kept my thoughts clear,
And 18 years since it's inception,
I play monkey wrench games of deception,
with my own machinery,
to put a new spin on my scenery,
Change my reds and yellows to blues and greenery.

I wrote this shortly after I smoked pot for the first time in about 2 years. I quit smoking just because I felt it was time for me to quit, and I only smoked this one time because it was with Malachi (and he is very special) and because I ganked the pot from my dad who smokes (so it was free).

April 6:
A rush of adrenaline pumps the day forward with no anxios waits or awkward pauses, no flaws, just understanding.
The unspoken thing,
Preaching to me that the surges of people in unguided mobs to and from peacefull existence is the human race's way of expressing the new growth of spring, instead of budding and flowering.
The ebb and flow of thoughts, ideas, people, even money move like tides in and out of each persons individual perception at what seems to be an arbitrary rate.
Only as a collective whole can people see the world for what it truly is.
Only as an active member of this collective whole can any individual understand the minute perfection of reality.
You can't see the clockwork without being a working gear yourself.

I wrote this when I was watching everyone in the coffee shop acting all anxious and restless because of spring-time energy.
I got rather depressed when I saw how everyone felt like "doing something", but that something was just to sit around, drink coffee, and talk.
I felt like if everyone got together to do something productive during this early spring period, an immense task could be accomplished.
It just saddened me to see all that energy being wasted.
Parents

Came back home to the apartment this morning..or what felt like morning, only to have Satyr say, "Now stay calm. Your mother called last night and your father's in the hospital again. She said everything's going to be all right, but you need to call her." My heart plummetted, I started shaking, I started firing a million questions immediately.

"What happened? Did he fall? What did she say? Was she all right? What the hell is going on ?!?!?"

Couldn't reach her at the hospital, the woman answering the phone was a veritabe bitch. "You'll have to call back later." No I will not!

Leftovers of feelings from the night before, LordBear's birthday, already had me nearly to the basketcase stage, but this just made me go nuts. Ugh. I can't even cry at this point. I'm in shock and so frustrated that I can't even get a hold of anybody.

I sink to the floor and just slowly unravel. This is the biggest straw in a whole box of last straws. It's so hard to sit here and not be able to do anything. I hate feeling helpless, but that feeling seems to be the running theme of the last few months. Chaos. Nothing makes sense. And any sense of people I thought I knew is getting thrown upside down and twisted. Juxtaposition.

Satyr got as much info from Mom as he could. My father had experienced some internal hemmoraging....I'm not locking that one in because I don't know if I spelled it right.

I AM SO TIRED OF BEING THE STRONG ONE!

That's it. I needed to get out of here. I put everything on hold, pushed people who are only going to further frustrate me away, set them aside, because THEY JUST DON"T GET IT. And run into Dundalk where it was peaceful and I could wait for my mother to return my messages while I think.

Mom called later in the evening. I started crying as soon as I heard her voice....she's been through quite a lot the last three years. Dad had his first stroke two and a half years ago, just two weeks after they had come to visit me in Baltimore. He was 72 at the time, still a practicing DO, and everything started to crash. He had a second stroke the following Spring, Agie passed away that June (The woman who practically raised me), Mom had breast cancer removed the following December, Dad fell numerous times, fracturing a hip twice, And Gran passed on this last February.

Having older parents, my mom's 63, is something really hard to swallow sometimes. I've lost all of my older relatives except for my parents, and quite obviously I've been trying to prepare myself for that for a while. I have siblings that are older than my inlaws, for crissakes!

Mom told me that Dad had a tumor removed from his colon. That's what was causing all of the trouble. He's in high spirits and my older brother Johnny is coming down from Cleveland to help out. A little relief.

I'm still just having a lot of problems dealing with loss and sickness. I only have a 22 year old psyche to work with, and sometimes when I'm scared like this I think, "This isn't fair. I'm too young to have to deal with this." I know it's selfish, but for a moment, I just can't understand why these things happen.

We're getting the results of the biopsy Wednesday...so I guess I'll just hang in there until then.

Sorry if I missed anything or if I pushed you away during this time. I didn't mean to, I just needed a little more space in my head right then.

11:35

The most recent days have been... uninteresting, so I didn't exactly want them noded. I was uninspired, too. I guess I still am.

What has happened? Well, I managed to crash Linux twice in Friday - kids, don't use pre-alpha kernel modules. =) (Specifically, the module was for QuickCam Express - bought that because the current webcam setup is sort of losing.)

I played Baldur's Gate and met Xan, too. I think the game actually looks and smells of a real RPG... Uh, I guess Nethack now has only couple of problems: First, it's damn hard, and second, no details of the character. (I'd know the DevTeam's responses: "It's supposed to be hard" and "Adding that would mean tons of new code blah blah...")

Today's greatness (or lack of thereof) remains to be seen.

15:14

...sad wolf woth big sad eyes...

Am I really as, uh, unpopular as I think I am?

...God I need a hug.

17:07

Looks like (they say) that the QuickCam Express driver was, specifically, broken by the new USB stuff in 2.4.3 kernel. =( =( Well, no one needs to see me crying...

17:51

I don't know how to say this, but... no one really seems to like me anymore.
No one.
No one cares.
Tell me what I'm doing wrong. Tell me. It's hard to improve if I don't know what's wrong.
I know I'm supposed to know. But... I don't see what the heck is wrong.

Just don't just hit me. Tell me why you hit me.

21:09

Mighty adventures in the gnoll fortress or whatever it was called... and I met this Minsc fellow.

"Go for the eyes, Boo! Go for the eyes! Grrraaaaaaah!"

I think Minsc will stay in my party as long as necessary... I really like this guy's style! =)

22:00

Hmmm. Looks like there's a couple of nodes about... Boo (like such), and Minsc (like). Seems like a remarkable character... =)


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded Recently: ezmlm Multi-Level Marketing Schroedinger's screen saver Carp crypt Config scalar XScreenSaver Ben Daglish Sceniositter ncftp Stutter/Feedback Algorithm ZShell

Noded today by y.t.: How I justify the downloading of my mp3s Gold Box

Updated: This Kingdom Mine

hmmmm
argh
d'oh!

Windows NT contains a wu from hramyaegr, which explains what NT stands for.

New Scientist ran a paragraph in their feedback section taking the piss out of someone for saying NT technology, when NT stands for New Technology.

I remembered reading hramyaegr's wu before, checked it out, and emailed the contents to feedback (w/out asking hramyaegr first (1st mistake)).

they got back to me, asking for an address (for legal reasons or sumthin), so I panicked, msged hramyaegr and apoligised muchly.

I mailed them back w/ hramyaegr's addy, so that they could get in touch w/ him.

dammit, they either didn't care or didn't get the email, and ran a correction w/ MY name (Iain Broadfoot).

I'm sorry!!!!

I blink slowly, as the screen refreshes itself faster than my eye can see. The hard drive spins quickly, as my inactivity has become troublesome, as it waits for some sort of action. Still, I almost tremble at the sound, as for almost an hour, silence has encompassed the room.

It's amazing how much Starcraft can show you things about yourself that you cannot see normally. Like a broken record, I was again on the phone. I listen intently, and speak quietly. I rather not hear my voice but instead I hear someone else's voice which calms my aching mind. I lose track of what I'm doing, almost getting my Sunken Colonies destroyed by the infernal Protoss. That is my life, the life of a drifter. Not a person who can be considered popular, not a ladies man, nor a computer genius, nor an academic scholar. Like my mind, I drift, from crowd to crowd. The unknown face, yet I remember theirs. Its okay. What can I do about it.

After Starcraft and the phone, I lie down again. I hear the breeze tinkling the wind chime outside my window. I stand up slowly, groggy from the narrow attempt to sleep. I place my right hand on the window. The cold leaves my hand mark on the window, like mist in the darkness. I see the gentle lines of my palm print, and contemplate slowly how that little detail has improved my day. I stumble back to bed, clumsily almost tripping over my air inflated footstool. I lay underneath the sheets. I held it tight, like I did years past when I was a child. I close my eyes, say a silent prayer, and remember the beautiful sight I saw the day before. I breathe slowly, hoping that the lack of air would let me sleep.

The day passes like a mist. I know it was there, but it never had any substance to remember. Work was tiring, yet it seemed like it was nothing while it was happening. Afterwards, the drive home seemed like a blur, like my eyes feel when I'm swimming without my goggles or when I'm walking around without corrective lenses. But I do get home, but not before getting the Wheel of Time book 9 for MrFurious's birthday.

I get home, and the family is having a family moment without me. Someone has taken my place. I'm fine with it. Really. Who wouldn't like seeing someone else take your place. She is cuter than me though. Harumph.

The gym was even more of a blur. The pain wasn't real. It never became real. My mind didn't register it until it felt like my body was ripping in half. Thats okay. At least the pain is just in my head. Arcades it is. Flying games and DDR. Maybe I shouldn't dance right after I eat at Wendy's anymore. Maybe I just shouldn't eat at Wendy's anymore.

Home. Home is where the heart is. No welcome home. Just the clicking of Mahjong tiles. I slowly droop my coat over a dinner stool, and walk into another room. I watch Howard Stern on tv, then meditate for about an hour or two. Another promising night when I was supposed to play Starcraft but not tonight I guess. Its too late for that now. Again, I sit here in the dark, ICQ beeping in the background, I sit here and type. I slowly take my hands off the keys, and take a break.

I sit, crosslegged. I can feel the strain of the muscles during the workout but no stress now. I let my mind loose, and hope that it doesn't pray on some innocent little tidbit somewhere in the astral plane. I feel like I'm flying. I feel free. I don't feel tired. That's the way its supposed to be. But I guess, even daydreamers have to come back to reality sometime.

As I sit here, quietly pondering what might happen next, I hear voices in my head. They are the voices of torment, the voices of happiness and the voices of contentment. None speak louder than the others, yet the voices of torment seem to hit me harder than the others. Maybe I am just listening harder for it. I had dominated my mind for the longest time the past few weeks.

The silence speaks no words, tells no lies. With the wind in my face and my hands clasped in prayer, I open my eyes, and challenge the wind to defeat me. I shiver in the cold, with the howl of the spring breeze nipping at my ear. I look nature in the eye and know that it cannot beat me. I look at life in the eye and know that it cannot be the way it is. Yet I cannot unmask the true nature of life. Maybe I'm not worthy. Maybe I'm not kind. Maybe I'm just too blind to see. Maybe. Maybe I'm afraid to know the truth. I'm afraid that this is all my fault.
What DO you do?!

What do you do when the girl you loved has buggered off with a Mel C wannabe? You give 18 months of your life and then what? She fucks off to Parochial house down the road and you have to face the pair of them walking around the town you live in (and hate) being smug.

It makes me feel sick. I'm not unhappy because I love her and I miss her, oh no! These are the reasons I'm really pissed off with her today;

She slept with that no brain behind my back

The no brain was supposed to be my friend too

No brain tries to look like Mel C (Spice Girl with crap tattoos and a screechy voice) for some reason - Cos she's a sad twat maybe?

No brain has a screechy voice I can barely stand to listen to

I didn't want us to move in together just then and yet she made me feel guilty and I borrowed money and we moved in together

I'm mourning the money I have to pay back to the bank, every month, for the next 4 and a half years

I'm back living with my parents in my old room and she has a house with fuckface the no brainer

But what irks me most of all is, I don't want her back, deep down, when I think about it seriously. I'm just pissed off because I'm lonely which makes me feel like a loser.

I'm NOT the loser though. I was unhappy with her and now I'm out of it and planning a life for myself. Half of me is wrapped up in a sense of freedom and wondering what to do next.

I'm 25, I have a world ahead of me - these feelings are just temporary, I know that for a fact.

Note added 1st June 2001: My friend referred to this plonker as 'Widget Face' the other day. I have no idea what that means, but as an insult, I kinda like it. Incidentally, I feel much better now.

update 25th April 2013 what goes around and all that. Said woman moved on, got married, had a child. Husband left. He had an affair. Sometimes people rip your insides out. Sometimes because you shay on someone in your past. *sits back and enjoys the Karma*

(Two other Scottish Everythingians have made a daylog this morning, why not do one too?)

I be sleepy. Sleep depravation would be the culprit.

I didn't really have any plans for last night, other than perhaps watching Star Wars - Episode 1 on Sky. But a friend from school gave me a call - she wanted to go out somewhere, and it would have been helpful to her to have someone over 18 with her.

So, I go into town with Dave, meet up with Rach, and two more of her friends. And on account of the three of them being under 18, we don't get in anywhere.

After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing, we decide that heading home would be the best idea. Via an off licence, perhaps? But they're all closed. Via my house to "borrow" some of my dad's beer? And half a bottle of Smirnoff? Much better idea.

Four of us go to Dave's house, and just sit around, talking crap, drinking a bit. We eventually decide to try to get some sleep, and four people in a single bed just doesn't work.

it seems so obvious now, doesn't it? First we tried leaning on each other's shoulders, leaving the person at the end - me - without a cover, then moved on to one person in a sleeping bag lying on top of the rest of us, and eventually two at one end of the bed, two at the other, head-to-foot. Not good for your back, when you're tall-ish.
Hence, I've only had about three hours' sleep.

I doubt anything else interesting's gonna happen for the rest of today, tho...

So, last night I'm in #radiohead on DALnet 'cause there wasn't ANYTHING better to do. And we have a quality discussion about cartoon's, which is what normally happens when I enter a channel for the first time because somebody just has to say "Sc0oby Do0by D0o, Where Are You?!" Regardless of the nick antics, I enjoyed the conversation.

This morning, I stumble out of bed and return to #radiohead to see what's going on.

Much to my dismay, the whole goddamn channel is flipping their shit over finding just about all of the new Radiohead album, Amnesiac, on the internet.

Where is your sense of adventure? Where is your growing anticipation of a cd release? Where is your fucking patience?!

I wholly prefer waiting for a cd release, rather than downloading every goddamn track two months before the release. That takes ALL the fun out of the album release.

Of course, the part that really makes me want to crack skulls, is when they bitch about the quality of the recording, and insist that someone should put out a better rip.

I just wanna kill people.

well hey. look. it's been sooooo long since i've visited, let alone written something on e2.

where to begin??

first, i must be painfully self- aware and note that most of the people who read this won't know who i am, those who recognize me won't remember much, but i'm okay with that.

back onto e2- like a ghost from another life.

i've been quite busy, with school, work, life, and love taking up all of my time. similar, perhaps, to hiding at work- which i did for a whole 2 months last year- except this time, i'm hiding in life.

so, did i miss anything? the site is acting slow as hell and annoying today, so i'm lynx-ing this page. i bought myself a new CPU and motherboard the other day- a big deal for my little life. i've fallen head over heels in love- and i must say, i don't miss the internet - at least in its e2 form, all that much.

so yeah. hi e2. i hope things are going well. i feel like a guy visiting an ex-girlfriend- "glad to see you, i hope things are well.." but i've got another life to lead. strange, isn't it??
Today, I am alive and well in Chicago.

Yesterday, the plane I've taken had a bit of trouble getting into O'Hare International Airport, and I could've ended up in Wisconsin.

I spent last night in a dive of a blues club -- the Hostel volunteer had a gig there and a few folks (and the guy's parents) came out to watch him play the mandolin.

This morning, I went out early to go out for Sunday Mass in St. Peter's Church right nearby State St.

I've left a message nearby the Hostel info desk asking for any more people going to see a few shows with me.

The café was closed on Sunday for renovations. More of a fix-up than renovations, as we have burnt out one of the three main power feeds into the building as everything is running off this feed. It literally burnt out, with smoke and flames - most exciting.

Because we gave the staff the day off, we organised a day of bowling and golf for everyone. We went 10-pin bowling. We organised costumes for each team and everyone picked a team name out of the hat, and were given the appropriate costume to wear whilst bowling. We had 6 teams - Corporates (each wore one of my old ties), Hippies (wore headbands we had decorated with peace symbols and rainbows), Fairies (wore fairy wings we bought from the toy shop), Pirates (wore paper pirate hats), Islanders (wore lava lavas), and Miss Fits (wore different hats with appropriate names - e.g. Tiger Woods with Nike hat, OJ Simpson with hat bearing words "Not Guilty"). We all had great fun bowling. Really low scores, but a hell of a great time.

We then piled into cars and went to the local driving range. Some played mini-golf whilst the others fired a bucket of balls at the back of the range. I managed to get in some much-needed practice of my swing, whilst the others busied themselves with their Happy Gilmor shots.

After we finished up there we all jumped in our various cars and went to the local Japanese Thai restaurant for a cheap meal. We chowed down on green curry and chicken chow mein until we exploded.

All up, a very successful day, with minimal planning. Keeps the staff happy with us (for shouting) and builds a closer team.

Today was completely uneventful except for one really devistating little email I got.

I wrote to Sara today as I have been for nearly every day, just saying hi and telling her what I was up to. I might have gone a bit far though and revealed too much about how I felt about her, because she wrote me back and insisted that she is only interested in just being friends, despite all of the little actions she has been doing at me (long hugs, putting her head on my shoulder, and a lot of other things). I know she hasn't wanted a relationship, but I thought she at least felt comfortable with my giving her extra attention and just being really nice to her. In a way I'm glad she told me so I don't keep fooling myself into thinking she's becoming more attracted to me, but it really has crushed me totally.

I felt so bad for a little while, I couldn't decide what to do with myself. I paced around, I lied down, I watched TV, I ate, and then repeated it all over again. I felt the air was so thick I couldn't even breathe. Everything I did reminded me of her. After spending every waking moment for the past few months thinking of her, it was so hard to not think of her. I was getting sick. I felt like I was dying just from the feelings I had.

All of the sudden the one and only thing in my life that I wanted was pulled from my reach. Now I've got nowhere to go. I wanted to call a friend, but I don't want to burden them with my feelings. There was nothing they could possibly tell me anyway.

I wrote her an email telling her as nicely as possible how I felt disappointed and to let her know that I'm ok with being friends. I told her she didn't have to reply to my message, and I haven't heard back from her yet today. I really wanted her to reply though to at least let me know how she does feel and where I do fall into her life, but I didn't want to put her under any stress to deal with it.

I'm so good at keeping my feelings to myself, and I still love her so much I couldn't burden her with any aspect of how I really feel.

I couldn't stand staying in my apartment anymore so I went out and got some chinese food and stopped at the grocery store. I feel a little better since getting back, and I hope that everything can be normal between us after this.

I've got schoolwork to do before class tomorrow. But I just don't care. I'm going to sleep.

20:19
day 3 : no sleep

i have been awake since about 10:00 friday morning. friday night, Frater Shinma wound up in the emergency room. guess where i spent the night. i'd been cleaning the house, thinking of the pleasant weekend we'd have, playing video games together, when i got a phone call that he'd fainted and been taken to the hospital. after listening to his mother insult me and every doctor who came into the room for ten hours, i thought i'd go home and get some sleep. *bzzzt* wrong. i just sort of laid there for a while and stared at the ceiling. then my mom called and i was off to a wild day of shopping and opera. Frater Shinma, however was suffering through a weekend at his mom's. just thinking about that induces a certain amount of suffering on my part. so you'd think that after the opera ended (about midnight), i'd go home and get some sleep. yeah, i thought so, too. funny thing that. i wound up reading and playing my guitar until my aunt called me and i realised it was 9:00. then Frater Shinma called, saying he'd be home around 17:00. so, i started cleaning my apartment, or rather started to finish cleaning it, since i'd been mopping the floor when i found out he was in the hospital. anyway, he's out doing things with people, and i'm sitting here in his apartment watching anime and waiting for him to get home. i know i'll sleep one of these days.

My epiphany. I'm bisexual.

I know, big fscking deal, right? Get a life, right? Go read some one else's day log then.

I can't believe I've lived this long and just found this out but I have, and I didn't know, and it is really true.

I feel like such a freak show and at the same time, can't wait to get into another woman's pants.

I have been hanging out with some of the same friends, some are gay, some are straight, old, young, blah blah blah. And I tend to want to try new things, both physical, mental, or sexual. So when a friend of mine began dating a grrl, who coincidentally, is named Jamie, I asked her to tell me about it. And it's always been one of those low key fantasies - like an orgy, or a threesome (fulfilled! yay!) or BDSM. But not a big deal, certainly not who I am.

So anyway, she did tell me about it. What's it like to kiss a girl? What's it like in bed? What is it like to hold her hand? I got more and more intrigued. It sounded really interesting. Still, just a fantasy type thing. I didn't ascribe any more anything to it than my desire to try dominating some one (preferably male) at some point, just something I wanted to try.

Well, as integration is proceeding at its own sweet pace (dear god or whatever when will this hell be over???) I started realizing that I really wanted to do this, to be with a woman sexually. But it was all abstract, all in my mind.

The day things changed, I was on a vacation in South Beach. I went into a gay bar. And everything fell into place. I saw this pretty Latino woman, walking in with her friend, probably straight, with a red mini-skirt up to here. Her friend was technically prettier, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I tried to stop looking at her, but as the evening progressed, kept stealing glances at her over and over. She and her friend swing danced to one of the songs, a slower one. Her legs were long and brown, she wore 4" high heels, and her hips went up and down from one side to the other as she gracefully danced with her partner.

I wanted nothing more than to slide my hand up that tiny red skirt and feel her pussy and make her come. It was then that I had my epiphany. This was no fantasy. This is a real, living, breathing, actual part of me that has always been there.

Walled off by my other selves, how would I have known, really? But now the walls are all coming down, almost all are down, and I am living inside a morass of confusion and chaos inside my head.

But this part of myself is now made clear.

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