Since the first time
I found a
web page describing
Borderline Personality Disorder (last October, I
think), I noticed a lot of
similarities between how I
felt and the
symptoms.
That time last year I was
feeling a lot more
depressed, and when I tried an
online self-test for
BPD I ended up in the '
danger'
category. Right
now I
guess I could get get away with describing myself as
happy, which, on reflection, is a lot better than I expected I would be
feeling now.
Yet I still see a
link between my
behaviour and
thoughts and the
symptoms described above.
Although I don't
notice at the
time, if I
look back on a day, I can usually see a lot of
illogical mood shifts between being
carefree and
happy, to
depressed and nearly
suicidal. Usually,
someone said
something totally normal and innocent, and I took it the wrong way, and
silently got angry, then decide its
my fault and wonder what the
point of living is.
And the main reason I'm feeling more
relaxed is probably because I
go out every
Friday or
Saturday night, and
drown my sorrows with
alcohol or
cannabis.
At least I've managed to stop deliberately
hurting myself (because I
forced myself to
throw away the
blade i'd been
cutting myself with). Infact, that's probably not the
whole truth. I don't cut myself, but i still
punch things, with the
intent of
hurting or
cutting my hand.
The thing is I don't know why I do it. I'm just
fucked up.
Then again, I also see most of the
symptoms of
Asperger's Syndrome in myself. I always feel like I
missed the class where we were taught
how to interact socially. I'm
hopeless at
starting a conversation, and not much better at
sustaining one. In a way that would
make sense -- no one
noticed I wasn't
very good at
making friends, and I was
hiding away on
IRC, and I got
depressed. And even my
dad once said to me how much more
shy and
withdrawn I became after my
mum died. Not that
I personally noticed it having a
major effect on me, but I think it must have
affected me somehow.
So either I'm a
hyperchondriac or I've got some
real issues. Heh, either way, I guess
I've got problems.
Oh well. I'm done
rambling on about
how I feel now. At least it made me feel
a bit better, even if I'm not too sure what use it is to
Everything2.