Disclaimer: This is not going to be eloquent whatsoever. I just need the
therapeutic feeling of writing right now...
What a messed up day. I haven't had one like this in a long time- so long that I had forgotten what it feels like to cry. That is not something that I have missed.
It seemed like a promising day- suffering through work and school to finally see the girl I am currently interested in at night. She, my best friend/ex girlfriend, and I went to see a small show at Joe's Pub on Lafayette Street. Once we arrived the night immediately began its downward slide. Anyone here who has met me can attest to the fact that I am a quiet person who has some difficulty interjecting himself into conversations. It just doesn't come easily for me, and I don't know why. This is not helpful when the two people you are with are both equally outgoing and you are not. Thus, I was rendered mute for much of the night as I tried ineptly to join in the conversation. In and of itself, this didn't bother me TOO much. Of course, I missed being involved, but I was more or less content to just sit back and observe. It feels good to see someone enjoy themselves- especially when said enjoyment yields such beautiful, staggering smiles. Anyway, after the show it was time to leave. The three of us stood outside chatting briefly in the pleasantly cold air. As we hugged goodbye I didn't want to let go. I have no idea when I might see her again and I didn't get to say half of what I had originally wanted to say. Never enough time for such things.
After these goodbyes, my friend and I walked a few blocks to a little deli. This is where the real misery began. I confided my interest in the other girl to her and immediately the whole mood shifted. I'll spare you all the details of the long conversation we had last night, but it is enough for me to say that, by the end of the night, we had both shed our share of tears. It was painful, but necessary. No conclusions were drawn, but the bottom line is this: our lives are so deeply intertwined that I don't know if it is possible for me to move forward anymore. I want to grow, and I want to have a deep, fulfilling relationship again, but I just don't know if I can. There will be details in future nodes. This is all I have strength for right now.