looking over all of the daylogs here, reading through bits.. a reminder that the world keeps spinning, even if it doesn't feel like it should, at least for a while.
last night, we sat in my bedroom and we lit candles for rick, several but it was only the vanilla that really mattered. we listened to music, none seemed appropriate but we sifted through the bits of his life we had shared and we laughed because we thought he would probably be scolding us jokingly for having such poor memories. we wrote down what we could remember, the funny little things, and then
we dripped some wax onto the page. wax from the vanilla scented candle. i wonder if he ever thought even for a second that he would not be here in the universe much longer, or if he thought that so many people would miss him so much.
we listened to
lightning crashes. we listened to
heart and shoulder,
strange days, we listened to so many songs and none seemed to serve the purpose i'd wanted them to. i wanted to say goodbye. i wanted to blow out his candle as the song finished and
i wanted a goodbye and to thank him for the smiles he was behind. i couldn't do it, couldn't end him. we talked to the candle, as if he could hear us as if he was the little dancing flame and i cradled him
it on my palm and stared. i realized that it would be a long while before the flame would die on its own. i went to sleep and left the candle with
her, she'd been closer to him than i was and it only seemed appropriate. i went to sleep and there still was no goodbye for me. i don't know if i want there to be.. i am not so sure i've even accepted it yet.
we went into the grocery store today, walked around and heard the whispers because everyone knows what happened. everyone knows he is gone and so many sad faces, fake smiles for oblivious customers. he lit that place up. it is so gloomy and unwelcoming now..
i still need to say goodbye. i just don't think i believe this is real yet.