Today I received an
email from a relative in
Texas. I know that the email was meant to be a joke, but I have a silent vow to debunk the “Texas Stereotype” as well as point out
Dubya’s shortcomings at every opportunity. So I replied with full force. Below you will find the original message first, following with my scrapped together
retort. I am presenting this to you
as is, so please excuse
format or
grammer. I put together my reply throughout the work day, so it certainly is not complete, but good enough to get my point accross to my Aunt. For the record, I was born in Texas. I now live in California. As of today, I am no longer a
Texan.
Note: The following memo will be debunked below!
OK, Folks. Texas has given all those complainers plenty of time to get used to the results. After seeing all of the whiners along the inauguration route, the folks from Texas have decided that we might just take matters into our own hands.
Here is our solution:
#1: Let
Al Gore become President of the
United States (all 49 states).
#2:
George W. Bush becomes the
President of the
Republic of Texas.
So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?
NASA in Houston, Texas (we will control
the space industry).
We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.
The Defense Industry (we have over 65% of it). The term "
Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.
Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.
Natural Gas - Again we have all we need. Too bad about those northern states.
Al Gore will figure a way to keep them warm...
The Cotton Industry - Texas leads the nation in cotton production.
Again, we hope the folks up north can stay warm without any cotton for fabrics and clothing.
The Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like
Texas Instruments,
Dell Computer,
EDS,
Raytheon,
National Semiconductor,
Motorola,
Intel,
AMD,
Atmel,
Applied Materials,
Ball Semiconductor,
Dallas Semiconductor,
Delphi,
Nortel,
Alcatel, Etc,Etc.
The list goes on and on...
Health Centers - We have the world's largest research centers for
Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top
trauma units in the
world, and Other large
health planning centers.
We have enough
colleges to keep us going:
The University of Texas,
Texas A&M,
Texas Tech,
Rice, Baylor,
Southern Methodist,
University of Houston,
University of North Texas,
Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the south anyway.
We have a ready supply of workers (just open our northern or southern border when we need some more).
We have control of the
paper industry,
plastics,
insurance, etc.,
In case of a foreign invasion, we have the
Texas National Guard and the
Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since everybody down here has
at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department
of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple
Texas Rangers.
We are totally self sufficient in
beef,
poultry,
hogs and
vegetable produce and everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good.
Don't need any food.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.
Now to the rest of the United States under President Gore:
Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your
cars, only President Gore will be able to drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of
the United States will have to walk or ride a
bike. You may think you can just import everything you need from other foreign countries? Think again, the Port of Houston is number one in foreign commerce and second in tonnage. You won't have any TV as the space center in
Houston will cut off your
communications. And sorry kids, No more
Barney the
Dinosaur. He's ours too. You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Mr. Gore has predicted
global warming, you will not need the gas.
Just a few notes on REAL election results:
Total Counties won by Bush: 2,434
Total Counties won by Gore: 677
Population of counties won by Bush: 143 million.
Population of counties won by Gore: 127 million
Square miles of country won by Bush: 2,427,000
Square miles of country won by Gore: 580,000
States won by Bush: 29
States won by Gore: 19
And an even more remarkable finding....
Average
Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by
Bush: 0.1
Average Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by
Gore: 13.2
Researchers found one more interesting fact that might help explain these disparate murder rates. Gun ownership in the counties won by Mr. Bush is much
higher than in the counties won by Mr. Gore.
Signed,
The People in Texas
Dear Aunt *Justabot's Aunt*,
I know that this is not to be taken seriously and I know that it is supposed to be funny in a Texas Secede kind of way... Perhaps I shouldnt even reply to this ridiculously self-degrading pile of speculation disguised as a joke. The fact is, i find it offensive as a democrat, but especially as a Texan. This Texan does not want to be included in the "stereotypical Texan" grouping. So given that this is a joke; lets just call my reply a joke and send it back up the chain, the way it got to me. :-)
Viva La Retaliation
First, just to break this in on a comical level, I present to you quotes from Dubya's mouth.
"Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it".
``Nothing can be further than the truth,''
"I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made."
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"There ought to be limits to freedom."
"This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses."
"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, DC, is close to California."
Other points -
Dubya talks about his great record in Texas. What a joke. Texas now has the worst air pollution in the country and is next to last on spending for the environment.
The Pentagon spent $500,000 on a military display for the Republican party convention - gee what a great use of tax money... Wonder if I can get them to do that for my next party?
Dubya talks about education as a priority but 42% of Texas high school students drop out. Teachers salaries plus benefits in Texas are the worst in the country.
My point of view on the miss-informed babble presented to me...
What will Texas do after that 300 years mentioned above? Do you know? Do you care?
Do you know that ALL of the fab-companies mentioned above now have the majority of their chips fabbed in
Costa Rica,
Taiwan and
Vietnam?
Intel - headquarters in
Santa Clara California.
AMD - headquarters is in
Sunnyvale California.
http://www.amd.com/about/about.html
Raytheon was founded in
Cambridge Massachusetts. Invented the guided missile (used for killing civilians).
http://www.raytheon.com/about/history.htm
National Semiconductor - headquarters in
Santa Clara California.
http://www.national.com/company/pressroom/backgrounder.html
Motorola was founded in
Chicago,
Illinois.
http://www.motorola.com/General/Timeline/
Atmel simply does not list any Texas location on their site!
http://www.atmel.com/atmel/corp/corp4.htm
Applied Materials - This
Santa Clara company has over 200 locations, 1 of which are in Texas.
http://www.appliedmaterials.com/worldwide/all_locations.html
Ball Semiconductor, a
Japan company built a plant in dallas in 97.
http://www.ballsemiconductor.com/News/DALBUSJOURN.HTML
Dallas Semiconductor, a wholly owned subsidiary of Maxim Integrated Products also has their headquarters in
Sunnyvale CALIFORNIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.dallassemiconductor.com/AboutMaxim/about-ds.htm
http://www.dallassemiconductor.com/AboutMaxim/AboutMax.htm
Delphi is development software, published by borland and other distributors.
Nortel, with locations all over the world, has their headquarters in
Brampton,
Ontario.
http://www.nortelnetworks.com/corporate/
Alcatel, founded in
Paris France is an
Aquisition monger of American companies..(which btw uses Lucent chips in their products)
http://www.alcatel.com/apropos/history/index.htm
And last but certainly not least, our beloved
Michael Dell,
corporate consumerism at its best, assembles
OEM parts into computers and sells them to you for a HUGE profit.
The cotton Industry - Most of the other cotton districts produce much more than Texas's Southwest district. Strenght in numbers.
http://risk.cotton.org/ayp.htm
Natural Gas - Missleading speculation.
"Refined Gasoline - 85% of americas gasoline" Texas also has the largest number of cities breaking polution regulations more frequently (Including AUSTIN - you cant even swim in town lake for crying out loud).
Nasa In Houston wont be able to take off without Florida's Pad or Californias parts.
"We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc." Dupont is not the company to be proud of. You will need the cancer and burn facilities if you are planning on 1. driving everywhere, 2. backing a company like Dupont, 3. reinforcing you chemical plants, 4. doing nothing about the polution problems in Texas.
"We don't have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it." No Comment.
"The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride a bike." I already ride a bike or walk; its a responsibility.
"You may think you can just import everything you need from other foreign countries?" Have no need to. (The San Francisco Bay is much larger than the Houston Bay anyway and hey! you can swim in it!!!).
"You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications." Nasa is not a TEXAS company, you dolt!
"And sorry kids, No more Barney the Dinosaur. He's ours too." HAHAhahahahahaha
I am supposed to believe your REAL election results, with no references as to where you got the info?
Have a look at these links
Bush Budget Slashes Funds for Environment, Clean Energy
http://ens.lycos.com/ens/apr2001/2001L-04-10-06.html
Cut in Birth Control Benefit Of Federal Workers Sought
http://washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A7825-2001Apr11.html
Bush signs repeal of workplace safety rules
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2001/03/20/national1645EST0696.DTL
Gas Crisis Puts Heat On Bush
http://cbsnews.com/now/story/0%2C1597%2C209159-412%2C00.shtml
The Bush-Cheney Drug Empire
http://www.rense.com/general4/drugempire.htm
Bush baulks at playing God
http://www.guardian.co.uk/elsewhere/journalist/story/0,7792,519575,00.html
Bush set to open nuclear test floodgates
http://www.guardian.co.uk/bush/story/0,7369,520091,00.html
Bush in Yurup.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/bush/story/0,7369,506114,00.html
Plenty of good reads, based on FACT!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/bush/
So don't take this badly, I'm not offended by you. I just find that this memo is ridiculous even as a joke.
You Loving Nephew,
Justabot