"Do you remember what I said last night?"
Traffic is light this morning. It's normally light if I leave on time...at least I think so. It has been a while since I left on time.
My eyes feel as if my brain wants them back, wants to suck them out of my eye sockets and into my head. Sleep deprivation is part and parcel to relationships, it seems. What had she said?
It's difficult to remember. Not because I wasn't listening but because I remember so little anymore.
"You said I need to be different, that you need more from our relationship."
"You don't remember what I said, then."
Where do the words go, the ones I hear but she didn't say? More importantly, where do they come from?
"No, I don't remember."
"I said you aren't who you used to be. You're just not connected with your true self, the part that used to make you who you were. I always go back to who you were when I met you, because you seemed happy and full of life. You're just dead now. You just won't be deep, no matter how many times I ask you."
She continues. I agree. Doesn't she think I know this? I'm the one who endures this pain every day. It's not easy. Being persistently blind would be far easier than relentless shifting between sight and non-sight. I am not ignorant of my situation. There are days I find myself in infinite clarity. I can be a happy person. Then there are the days that are just dull, trudging through a world of fog.*
Sometimes I am terrified that I am becoming just like my father. So, this is what it feels like. Constantly sad, deathly pessimistic really. I don't have to be like this, though, do I? Optimism is my true nature.
Every weakness is really only evidence of an unexpressed strength
This just really pisses me off, my situation. No one really knows how angry I am. I would like to be free. My resolve is to live in my true essence, but how?
"You know when you are being yourself if there is no cage around you...nothing holding you in."
She's right.
* Note: here I am using a metaphor