(idea) by spazm Mon Oct 15 2001 at 6:16:28
I just recently realized that I don't know right from wrong. I can apply the "Golden Rule" to some degree, and I remember my regrets vividly, ..but I don't really know good from bad. Recently, a stranger told me that he DID know right from wrong. The only thing I could think to say in response was "That must be nice. I'm still contemplating offers from Satan and the Psychic Friends' network."
I mean, the Christians- - I have a love-hate relationship with them. Some of them are so blissfully enveloped in their faith that they can do no wrong. Many strive for nothing but adherence to their law. Is that the way, or should I find the center of Babylon?
Are there any absolutes to cling to? I know for sure that I cannot live the ascetic lifestyle of monks and priests. I am at least partially an animal. So where is the line? I've fucked up so many times. Should I strive for the wife and 2.5 kids? Should I save the world from my evil ways to become the hermit, surrender, and repent for peace? Should I fight my animal nature all my life?

When I was in the Emergency Room, a senile man broke his restraints. He managed to travel a few feet from his bed before he fell with a thud on the floor before me. He was helpless and bleeding. His confused eyes pleaded with me. I recognized this, but I did nothing. I just looked over him inquisitively like a scientist watching an errant rat. My Mom was already screaming for help by the time I snapped out of that. That's not the first time I've shocked myself with my coldness. I think that if there were ever a major catastrophe, I might not be that hero that I had always known I would be.

Sometimes, I can overlook these shortcomings enough to feel happy. If that were enough, I think I might be saved, but the same thing always goes wrong. My eqo always swells to incredible proportions. "I can do so many things! I am wise and good. I should just let go and trust myself with this life."
My memory sucks when I'm that high. I make the same mistakes over and over like some punishment from Greek mythology. I've died so many times. What good has it done me? I know I am no happier for it, and who is to say if I am any wiser? Like lead, some poisons are cumulative. Is this lead? No one finds a tolerance to lead. It just builds in their system until they are too deranged to see the end coming.
I like it!