This is an account of what happened two hours ago. I'm noding this before it's relegated to the teflon-coated backwaters of my brain.
Scene: small family of three eating supper. M., girl, three, heaving down Loops. W., boy, five, spoonfed by old man toalight. That's the way he eats. He has to. Daddy is tired, thinking of coffee and a cigarette, not quite concentrated on the tasks at hand. The angel and the devil inside are primed and ready however, raring to take over the situation.
"Daddy?"
"Yes?"
"Who is grandma's mommy?"
"That's great grandma. She has the same name as you. Remember?"
"Oh yes! She is old!"
"But daddy?"
"Yes?"
"Do you have a small willy?"
What? She's three. How can she have any
relation to what constitues a big one or
a small one?
Aw, come on! Relax! Wait for it. Don't be such a prude!
"Uh, why do you want to know that?"
"Benjamin in kindergarden says his one is a small one"
"Well I bet he does. He's only four you know."
"Will he have a big one when he's big like you?"
What the hell am I talking about other people's penises
with my three year old daughter for? Isn't this a little early?
What the fuck, just say what you really mean...
"No, he will probably not."
What kind of a fucking answer is that??
Yeah! Right on!
"Daddy?"
"Yes?"
"Who is your daddy?"
Sigh. Here we go again...
"Daddy's daddy is an angel in heaven. Just like Pippi Longstocking's mother. We talked of this before."
That's utter crap! You don't even believe that yourself, do you?
Just shut the the hell up, please?
"Okay. Who is grandad?"
"Uh, grandad is granma's boyfriend"
Where is this conversation ending...?
"Daddy?"
"Yes?"
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"No. Daddies have girlfriends."
Now listen! That's politically incorrect! Some daddies...
Whomp!
Allright, allright, allright...
"Don't you like boys?"
"No, daddy doesn't like boys."
"But big brother W. is a boy!! Why don't you like him??"
"But daddy does! Daddy like little boys."
Fuuuuuuuuuck! Where in the bloodiest
hell did that come from?
"No, I mean, uh, daddy likes girls a lot!"
"So where is your girlfriend?"
Yeah. Where is my girlfriend...
"Daddy doesn't have a girlfriend"
"Why?"
"Well, that's because I am mostly here with you. Finding a girlfriend is a lot of work. You can't buy girlfriends at the store you know."
Sure you can!
I wasn't talking to you!
Can't you just be really really quiet for once?
"Why?"
"Well, actually you can..."
Ooohhhh nooooooooo......
"Listen, are you done eating your Loops?"
"Can we buy a girlfriend tomorrow?"
"No, we can not buy a girlfriend tomorrow. Are you done?"
"Yes."
So, in just fifteen minutes I managed to thoroughly explain to my little daughter the following trivia on adult life:
- Daddies have the biggest penises, ever!
- Daddy's got no girlfriend, possibly because...
- Daddy likes little boys, and...
- Girlfriends can sometimes be bought at the supermarket
Just try to be awake this time tomorrow. Okay?
Heeh heeh...