An Incomplete List of Untrue Facts

• Homemade rubbing alcohol can be fashioned by mixing Sprite, Everclear, and tap water.
• The first Thanksgiving actually took place in what is now Topeka, Kansas.
• Amongst high-level officials, the NSA is considered fifth branch of the American Government. Only the most valued intelligence agents know what the fourth branch is.
• A trend to buy books only in paperback began in the town of Macedonia, Ohio in 1956 after Susan Dollard was murdered with a hardback copy of Crime and Punishment. The trend died down by 1962.
• Although jellyfish lack sight and hearing, they've been found to have remarkable memory. In 1999, Marine biologist, Adam Curtis, claimed to have trained a jellyfish to memorize a phone number (excluding the area code). Curtis later joked,"Well who out of town would he ever call?"
• More people die every year from handguns than not.
• When two females are walking on the sidewalk, the one with the lighter colored hair will always be nearer to the road.
• In the film, The Wizard of Oz an actor who played a munchkin hung himself on screen.If you listen closely to the scene on the yellow brick road, after the Tin Man sequence, you can hear him yelling,"Oh god!" and see his lifeless body hanging
• Texting accounts for three out of seven car crashes in America.
• The ground you are now sitting upon is stable.
• In accordance to guidelines set by the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, regulated popcorn kernels should not exceed a mass of sixteen centimeters.
• Beer is liquid bread. Furthermore, it is good for you.
• In California, among popular consensus at the time, the 1850s only lasted nine years.
• She doesn't love you, and she never did.

• Manta rays periodically fly out of the ocean and coast along beaches, swooping down to kidnap children to take back into the sea.

• Every year, thirty six people around the world are randomly selected to be abducted and interviewed by aliens. If even one of them is found morally wanting, the aliens will eradicate all life on the planet and try again from scratch. If the thirty six are all morally upstanding people, their memories of the interview will be erased and the aliens will move on. The Earth has been destroyed and regrown 89,670,042 times to date.

• Manatees actually are mermaids. The beautiful fish-tailed women of myth are actually the manatee's larval stage, a stage lasting only one hour and thirty three minutes. Note: this stage only happens to wild manatees, as manatees in captivity skip immediately to the second stage of growth, Baby Sea Cowdom.

• Backwards time travel is actually possible. As to why we aren't overrun with time travelers, the answer is simple: when a person is sent back in time, the natural time line of things eradicates their bodies and memory and has them reincarnate as a baby in that given period of time. The travelers never remember their past-future lives and often live and die the same as any other person of that time period. Despite future scientists' warnings, and despite having no idea as to what's happened to the other travelers before them, people keep hurtling themselves back in time to see what happens. Half the people reading this are amnesiac time travelers.

• All cats are born with the inherent abilities to walk through walls, adjust their sizes within four pounds and three inches of their actual sizes, and vanish into thin air. Schroedinger did try his infamous experiment, only to find his subjects constantly vanishing from the box and reappearing under the sofa.

• What people don't know about Disney's animated feature Peter Pan is that all the characters were actually rotoscoped. While the mermaids, pirates, and crocodile were just people in costumes (and an alligator in a crocodile costume), they actually hired a two dimensional pixie to be the model for Tinkerbell. The pixie's name is Leona Fatamerie and she's been under a strict contract with Disney ever since. She currently resides in Cinderella's castle in Disneyland.

• I can see you.

• The devil recently lost his soul to a twenty-seven year old stoner down in Arizona. Lucifer challenged the young man to a fiddle contest, same stakes as usual thinking him an easy target. The young man insisted that if he was playing for his soul, then the devil should put up his own soul as well. The devil agreed, and only after, during the young man's solo, realized that in an ironic twist, the man he was playing was the reincarnation of Niccolò Paganini.

The young man, for his part, had never held a violin in his life and had assumed the strange bearded man with hooves was part of some new reality TV show. He keeps Lucifer's soul wrapped up in cellophane in the back of his kitchen's junk drawer.

• Every frog in the history of existence has actually been a bespelled prince from another dimension, turned into a frog by their unhappy wives. Unfortunately, they only regain their human shape when kissed with tongue, something that has only happened a handful of times in human history. The reason they were turned into frogs? For being such lousy husbands.

• Every hundred thousand and first person born on this Earth has what is colloquially referred to as a 'stupid reflection'. For every action that person makes while in view of a mirror, their reflection will try, and fail, to match. Some reflections are too slow- the slowest recorded being a full three seconds behind its owner. Others, 'eager reflections' rush ahead of their owners, anticipating what they intend to do with exact accuracy. Others, 'reverse reflections' will use the same hand as their owners (ex: a left handed individual having a left handed reflection), resulting in reflections that are technically accurate, but reversed. Nobody knows what causes Stupid Reflections, but the people who have them tend to anthropomorphise them.

"The poor thing's trying its best," says Amanda Duran, 42, sufferer of Slow Reflection. "I think it just gets confused sometimes. I can tell it still doesn't understand what a eyelash curlers are for: every time I use them, she gets this worried look on her face."

• Everything you've just read is a lie.

In an effort to complete the List I have compiled the following.

• The cheetah is the only cat that cannot retract its claws. This gives it better traction for running.
• In grammar, an Appositive is a substantive set next to another substantive and denotes the same noun.
• Jet-Poop is the only active noder with a hyphen in his name. Hyphenated does not count.
• Raindoe Bright is the most active of My Little Ponies representing, according to creator Lauren Faust, “My unbridled rage at the horse tracks.”
• Bill Clinton’s twin brother Earl Clinton has been locked in the basement of an Arkansas insane asylum since early childhood. His identity is concealed behind an iron mask.
• The popular funny page character Shylock Fox is, like his fictional namesake, addicted to cocaine.
• E2 noder Woodnot is not, in fact, wood.
• Threeps are small jumping insects. Thrips are German Drips.
• Russian dancing sensation Boris Yutaninovikbovick once shot seventeen baskets in a row during a Lakers Game just so he could prove that LA really does suck that hard.
• Labor Day was originally Labrador Retriever Day.
• Kubla Khan in Xandu did not a stately pleasure dome decree.
• Snoop Dog spelled backwards is Poon’s God. Mr. Phenelias Poon of New York City could not be reached for comment.
• In American English a “Hot Toddy” is a type of hot drink. In British English it signifies a sex act involving hatching caterpillars in a mouth full of rice milk.
• The life expectancy of the average elevator surfer is 22 years old.
• Meritocracy is the foundational belief of Meritocralism, a religion that until very recently was practiced by the Meritocralists, a group of hyper-intelligent ants living in the Congo.
• If Barack Obama pulled a Michael Jackson, the Tea Party would pull an Asamoth.
• Red blood cells do not have DNA.
• The Grand Theft Auto series has a cheat code that reveals the main character's crippling self-doubt in 37 unscripted cut-scenes where the voice actor comes to your house and raves while drinking all your beer and coffee.
• It's not that Santa isn't real. He doesn't bring you presents because he hates you.
• The theory of Gravity is wrong. The Earth is really a ceramic plate moving upwards at sixteen feet per second. This is why things fall.
• Cops, as in police, is entomologically closer to the cicada than they are to the praying mantis despite their claims otherwise.
• Scientists have for years been replacing human brain cells with tiny sacks of K-Y Jelly.
• A “catcher’s mitt” reminds people unpleasantly of sex acts with Mitt Romney.
• No two treble clefs are the same. Each is unique like a snowflake.
• By 2251 all humans interactions will take place in The Cloud… of marijuana smoke.
• Abstinence causes cancer.
• “Bros before Hos” is the poplar slogan of Donald Trump’s dubstep label TrumPstepZs.
• Speaking of Trump, one day he will be President of the USA and it will be much, much worse than you can imagine.
• The Pound Sterling used to put dogs down by dipping them into vats of molten silver. The reason for the size difference in British coins comes from what tail section the coins came from when the dogs were cut up. The rest of the dogs are buried bellow Houndsditch.
• I before C except after T would make a much better rule.
• Urinary Theater Presents was the most popular TV show in 1970s era Sweden.

If it exists there's porn of it.

Murphy's law states: "Whatever can go wrong will go wrong."

You just won the game!

We only use ten percent of our brain's full capacity.

Polar bears and penguins are going extinct.

That's what she said.

What does not kill you makes you stronger.

That dress does not make you look fat.

More to be added later.

9 FAST 9 FERROUS

• Santa Claus is real. Rather, he was real. He died in late December of 1973, after consuming milk and cookies that had been laced with amatoxin. This came as something of a shock, as an attempt on Santa's life hadn't been made since Frederick Cook's failure of 1908, which had shown the jolly old elf to be impervious to a host of weapons and chemicals. Unwilling to risk the blow that St. Nick's death could deal to the global economy, a cover-up was put into action. To this day, a covert international organization, millions strong, works to maintain the illusion that Santa Claus is alive, well, and doing his Christmas thing.

• One in ten parents are too worried to take the training wheels off their child's bike, opting to spray paint them invisible instead.

• "Orange Julius" comes from the stage name of Julius Dreef, who was exhibited alongside John Merrick in Tom Norman's penny gaff.

• A new pair of Chuck Taylor All-Stars will have a layer of fuzz over parts of the sole. Why is this there? Because it saves Converse money. Instead of waiting for the taylorchucks (distant, rubbery-skinned relatives of the woodchuck) to molt their adolescent fuzz, Converse skins them prematurely, saving fodder, knowing that the fuzz will come off after a couple months of wear. That the fuzz allows the Chucky T's to be imported under a lower tariff? Coincidental gravy.

• Death by boiling had been tried for centuries, with no success, before executioners thought to blindfold the condemned.

• What you recognize as the sound of a flute is actually made by complicated contortions of the human vocal folds. All so-called flute playing is really careful ventriloquy.

• 3% of all left-handed people are named Ashley. This is a metaphysical law. Because of this, we know that the original population of left-handed people arose simultaneously, and that there will either always be left-handers, or there will be some moment in which all southpaws die at the same time.

• Smoking cigarettes backwards has been shown to counteract respiratory disease.

• Nine in ten parents, after taking the training wheels off their child's bike, attach them to their own. (That night, alongside the other eight parents, they ride for the first time in 25 years.)