The following is an
essay I wrote under the title 'Do you think
parents are only useful once you have grown out of them?'. It was inspired by one of
Mark Twain's
quotations: 'My father only saw
sense by the time I reached 21'. While the essay may be full of
youthful
idealism and not applicable to many, I believe it is a useful
explanation to our
parents for our past
behaviour.
Do you think parents are only useful once you have grown out of them?
It is the old cliché found in some form or another in so many television series and books: "Oh Dad, you're so embarrassing". This is quite probably the most common criticism of parents made by children. Leaving aside Freudian theories on the root of this 'conflict', it is clear to me that this criticism is very often justified.
When we are young, our parents want to appear '
trendy' and
accessible to their
offspring. Sadly, their
enthusiasm for the task very often
outweighs their ability, leading to the
embarrassment mentioned in opening. This embarrassment is probably most
acute in the times immediately preceding and during the first
throes of
adolescence. It is here that we still think of our parents almost as
demi-gods who are
restrictive yet somehow
omniscient. It is hardly surprising, therefore, that the sight of our parents trying to keep up with modern trends - and
inevitably failing - causes conflict in our minds.
John Mortimer comments on this conflict in his book
Clinging to the Wreckage, in which he says that his parents asked him about his
school and he, "as usual, found it
impossible to tell them." To speak to these
falling angels about matters so
mundane seems
unnatural.
As we grow older, this
conflict fades as we come closer and closer to a
realisation of our parents'
imperfections, forgetting how they used to '
repress' us and forming real
opinions about two human beings we know little about. It is at this time when many form firm, loving
friendships with their parents - friendships which will last long into their lives after leaving home. Unfortunately, every
proverbial silver lining must have a cloud. Equally, many children reject their parents, longing to leave home and form their own life in
freedom. Occasionally, when short of money, they will
telephone home and exchange
pleasantries - another much-loved cliché - in the hope of some
assistance. The parents
yearn to see their child and when he does
return - with his girlfriend, his wife - they long to hold on to him, leading inevitably to conflict with the other half. This leads to many hushed conversations between couples about to visit '
Grandma'.
Despite all these problems, some
ancient feeling that our parents are more
knowledgeable than us remains, leading to another conflict when we watch them growing old and
regressing to a child-like
dependence on us. For those who have rejected their parents, this responsibility is too painful to bear, hence the success of so many nursing homes.
In
conclusion, our parents can become very useful to us as we grow older, becoming either life-long friends or merely dependable sources of money. However, by this time most children have fled the nest and gone their own way, thus out-growing their parents.