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A church yard sale, AKA a rummage sale, is a very special type of yard sale in which the people doing the selling do not have an emotional attachment to what they are selling, have way too much stuff, and just want it gone.

Church yard sales tend to be much bigger than other yard sales, because they have many more people donating their junk. Church yard sales tend to view all this junk as fairly uniform, and price things by category (e.g., all books, 50 cents). And towards the end of the day, when some poor organizer is standing there looking at all the mountains of leftovers they are going to have to lug over to Goodwill, you can often get a lot of stuff heavily discounted.

But wait, there's more! The church wants to make some money -- this is a fundraiser first, and a way to dispose of junk second -- so they will often lump in other money-making projects. Food is sold, from fresh-grilled 'plates' of barbecue, fish, or chicken to homemade treats to cheap snacks not meant, but absolutely sold, for individual resale. Young kids sell arts and crafts. Cars are washed. There may be a silent auction, a service auction, or a raffle. Some churches include a plant sale, bake sale, branded t-shirts, or just cheap coffee.

That said, this is not usually anything like the traditional British village fete; there are rarely fun and games, and despite the long list above, most churches will only include one or two of the possibilities, and few will manage more than four different events.

As is traditional in America, yard sales, even big fancy yard sales, tend to run from about 7am to noon, and if you show up late, you're out of luck.

As a religious man, I have attended many church yard sales. Your friend Behr can verify that much of what is said above by Tem42 (Internet "handle" for Patricia Arquette) is true. However, it leaves out some vital information that Ms. Arquette either omits purposefully or because she does not know. Now I will help complete informational learning node by giving you the following:

  •  Deeper understanding of the church yard sale culture
  •  Insider tips for getting "the good stuff"
  •  Picking up church ladies

Here in Utica, I often skulk about in the bushes alongside the parking lot when the First Congregational Church of North Utica has its church yards sales. I do this in part because I hope someone will eventually fix me a plate (something church people do if you convince them you "Love the Lord" and that kind of thing). As a very religious man, I have no trouble in this regard. They know I am wholesome, faithful, and clean living. As a homo superior in a world of wimpy homo sapiens type men, this is easy for me to negotiate.

Understanding church yard sale culture is not as simple as listing a few points, as Ms. Arquette does. Just because she talks to the dead and has a sister that people obsessively write songs about does not mean she understands church yard sale culture. There is just no way to make a connection between these things. My friend Ms. Arquette does not understand the complexities of church yard sale culture because she has not lived church yard sale culture. Her smarts are book smarts, not street smarts like mine. And so, I will fill in the blanks you now have in your head. There are so many. I understand. I've drilled into my head so many times looking for the source of the blanks and with each six inch hole in my head I get no closer to clearing up the blank spots.

This is where Jesus comes in. A heroic figure that went to town on tax collectors and overthrew the socialist government of Jerusalem, Jesus can help you to understand your place in church yard sale culture. Follow my logic here. Come. Follow. I will not wait long. The tunnel I am leading you down is dark, long, and I have put booby traps in it for you. I don't intend for you to survive. I never did. That was never my purpose here on Earth.

When you get to a church yard sale, they do start early and when you are out drinking whiskey and fucking whores from sundown to sunup, it can be hard to get there early. You can work around this by pushing forcefully past the people looking at things being sold. Most are weak and frail, and the bones of the elderly break with only minimal pressure in the right spots. It is easier if while you are shoving them onto the ground that you say, "It is okay. I am with Jesus." This way they nod and understand. If necessary, let people in positions of authority know they were undercover tax collectors, enemies of the Jesus. You will find this works for you. They will give you the money they saved on their taxes when you take out the alleged local IRS worker.

You will receive invitations to join the congregation. In the old days I would say "One broken neck is worth it if it avoids twenty questions." I am reformed, so I advise using the power of the false promise. If you were homo superior like I am, you would understand the value of this power. Tell these people, "I would love to. What time are your shitty services?" They will respond by telling you and then don't show up. Give them a fake address if they follow up with you and come over. I used to like to send them to this meth lab in a garage I knew where the people were very paranoid. They learned so many lessons that way. All parties involved did.

Because I am so religious and dedicated to the service of Jesus, church yard sale culture is easy for me to navigate. When I am scraping dried, third-party yeast infection off my surgically nightmarish ball sack before bed before it gets caked on, I think about this. Sometimes the scraping gets so intense and I lose layers of skin in one pass, all the way down to the ball bones. When I go to church yard sales I am always looking for new devices to scrape off the caked-on yeast infections I get when I spend a week in the alley behind the 7-11.

One of the most important parts of church yard sale culture is the casserole. You must consume some in order to be fully accepted. A hex is placed on those who refuse the casserole. It cannot be escaped. If you turn it down, you will not be invited into the church basement where the good stuff is kept. That is your objective.

Once you get invited into the church basement, act like you are not interested. Pretend to be spooked. Church people love to show spooked people into the basement. It is what they do. Act like you are reluctant (Internet kiddie term) to follow, but follow.

What are you looking for?

  •  Artwork of any kind with a high market value
  •  Religious artifacts with eerie powers like in Indiana Jones starring Christopher Reeve in the titular role
  •  Jesus' remains

Don't ask to buy these things unless you are explicitly told they are for sale. They are tight-assed about these things and you want to make a note of them as well as making a note about the setup of the church and the security. You will need to assemble a team to go in after dark to retrieve these items if you want the day to be a success.

Last, but not least is picking up church ladies. They like you to consume casserole, enjoy it, and openly praise Jesus. That gets you accepted, but now you have to warm up that little aardvark between her legs and get it barking at the moon. There are two schools of thought on accomplishing this. One comes from the fact that they wear thick, matted hosiery and pill-box hats. The second comes from your romantic side.

You want to compliment them on their conservative style of dress. They them how many whores you've plowed over the years and tell them you are ready to settle down and praise the Lord. Tell them you have such amazing girth to your man meat that women found you irresistable. Show it to them in the rectory and then tell them a bit about what the word "rectory" means to you. This is the best avenue of attack. Get them off the premises. Do them in the parking lot of a Denny's. Don't give them your phone number, especially if you are coming back to the church later to collect your winnings.

You also want to indulge yourself a little here. As successful businessmen, we need time to unwind. We are so sexually attractive to women because we are businessmen that it is easy to sell ourselves. Bring your sales pitch to the ball games and have a ball at the church yard sale.

My friends.

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