You were only in my life six or seven months. Six or seven months of beautifully twisted life. You came into my existence, shook things up, manipulated it, destroyed it; destroyed everything. You were like a whirl wind sweeping up everything in your path, totally absorbed in yourself- seeing nothing in front of you; not seeing me.
You told me you loved me and so the lie began, because you know what, I believed you. You would brush your lips softly against mine as you left, and later as I lay down to sleep and closed my eyes I could still feel your touch on my body, your face burning into my eyelids. But what a face you had, know matter what I may say about you, negative or otherwise; you were beautiful. This is not a word you often used for a man, yet beautiful you were, yet at the same time exuding a raw masculine energy. That alone made me feel weak, just being in your presence made me want to cry with relief, and just being near, just being lucky enough to have you close to me, to have your body pressed against mine feeling everything and nothing at once.
I gave you everything I had, everything that was me was yours in a heartbeat; without abandon I trusted you implicitly, I should have known I wouldn’t be enough, you wanted more, always more. Nothing was ever good enough, you were so wrapped up in your own problems, you failed to see the girl in front of you loving you unconditionally. I would hold you in my arms as you expressed feelings of isolation and emptiness, never knowing you were breaking my heart with every word. I lived through it though, barely holding on to the fabrication that is reality; sometimes it would seem easier to just let everything go and give in. Then I would remember you, remember you had chosen me to be in your life- you wanted me; or so I thought.
You never loved me apparently, when it was all over and the dust settled; it was all a lie.
‘I was trying to save you from hurting yourself’ you said.
I had lied and risked everything, in the past six months you had torn my life apart and I wanted to hate you for it but couldn‘t; but to say to me that any love you once had for me was now worthless was the lowest shot you could make, does that make me worthless as well? I wish with all my heart I could say the same because you slowly destroyed everything good in my life until all I could see was you. I didn’t need anything to justify what I thought of you, your behaviour did that for me. I didn’t want to let it hurt me but I couldn’t help it, I wasted so much and we were never together, I was just there for you to walk all over when you needed a boost. You were unbelievably manipulative and to degrade me further, you were having sex with someone else the whole time whenever you were upset, which is a majority of the time; you hurt me so much.
Thanks to you I feel broken, lost and humiliated. You degraded everything I felt for you while rendering me worthless. I had little faith in humanity as it was, I clung to life desperately; but the day you turned your back on me, the day I find out your heart was never even open to me broke me forever, I am now lost to humanity. I am a shell and a fragment of what I used to be. I still love you heart and soul, I gave you everything that was me, and you never loved me, it was all a lie. I think of all the times I lay in your arms at night when everything was still, I thought the world belonged to us as you stroked my hair and told me we would be together forever.
All good things must come to an end, I understand this and was even prepared for it to some extent. But you destroyed Belle Reve, too wrapped up in your own depression, leaving with the parting shot of mistrusted love. It has killed me well and truly, you dated me apparently to stop me from doing that very thing; I didn’t need to kill myself it turns out- you did it well enough for me. Humiliation is a beautiful thing, and I just hope as you move on and up to university you are aware of the havoc you reaped upon my life without an apparent backward glance. You came into my life like a whirl wind, absorbing everything in you path, utterly oblivious.
But can I just ask, was it worth it?