Aka:
How to Shit in the Woods
How it is done:
Firstly, select the broad leaves from a succulent tree (i.e. one that looks as if it doesn’t need them any more). Be sure there are no bugs, thorns, or other sharp scratchy things attached.
Select a suitable site for your bowel evacuation.
Pull down trousers and undergarments.
Squat in a comfortable position.
Let rip.
Wipe excess faecal matter from nether-region with pre-selected foliage.
Replace undergarments and trousers.
Waltz back to the rest of the camp/tramping team nonchalantly as if it were no trouble at all.
Selecting the wiping material:
As this act can be performed in
a number of locations, I cannot
hazard a guess at the type of foliage available,
suffice to say, you are best to select broad, soft leaves. Failing this, a handful of soft
green grass will do, but ensure it is not of the cutty
variety, as this can leave an
uncomfortable rash of fine
paper-cut type
lacerations on your buttocks. The softer and more
absorbent the better, although absorbency is not really easy to find in the
plant world. In fact, it would be a good idea to
print out these instructions, and after following them in
your venture, use the
printed copy to its full potential. Better yet, take some
toilet-paper.
Selecting a site:
You will need to be
out of sight,
earshot, and
smell-distance from any of your group, camp, or passers-by. Find a spot out of the way where
nobody is likely to walk for the next 15 years, or whatever the
half-life of that
freeze-dried vindaloo was that you just ate. Try shouting out to your
colleagues to see if they answer, to test the
audibility level that your
grunts and strains can reach. Check the
wind direction, and strength. Here a
wind velocimeter would be
advantageous. Ensure there are no sticking out
sharp objects for you to
inadvertently back into.
Scratch a hole in the dirt as a
target, keeping the dirt in a
safe location for use afterwards.
Removing garments:
It is
highly recommended to beginners to remove socks, shoes, trousers, undergarments, and any
loose articles of clothing before attempting this. Any articles that may
fall out of your pocket invariably will, right into the spot that
you don’t want them to. Also, a
bucket of water for bathing afterwards is a good idea. Those that have
mastered this practice, still find it difficult to keep their clothing clean, and their legs from getting
splattered.
Squatting:
Stand with your legs
shoulder-width apart and
bend your knees and ankles, such that your body from
side-on resembles a capital Z. Poke your bottom out the
furthest it can without
unbalancing you.
Balance is the key here. If you
fall forward whilst in
the act of defecating, you will wear it. If you
fall backwards, chances are you’ll land in it. Ensure all other
bodily-waste extraction apparatus (if applicable) is
pointing in the appropriate direction - remember, when
defecating, it is impossible to not also
urinate (you always do
Number 1s when you do
Number 2s), and if you are not careful you could
wet your clothing, or get yourself
in the eye.
Letting it go:
Depending upon
your diet, this can also be an
arduous, and tricky part of
the event. Remember, it all rests on this one
stage of the proceedings. Too much
exertion can, as stated earlier, result in an
unfortunate splattering, but not enough can mean
a greater wiping job afterwards. A careful
squeeze of the bowel, with the
required level of
grunting will start the process. Ensure your
aim is true by looking down
between your legs.
Mopping up:
Ensure you have your pre-selected
faecal-matter removal apparatus on hand. Using
preferred hand (I am aware that
in some countries it is
religious taboo to use one or the other, so this decision is yours entirely), bunch up the
wiping material, such that none of the
excrement will be touched by your hand. Wipe in an
upwards movement, taking care not to
go too far up your back that you start
wiping it all over your body (unless that is
your intention). Throw that
used vegetation into the pile of
bodily waste, and cover the entire thing in the dirt
you removed earlier.
Feel free to use additional dirt and
covering material as necessary.
Replace body garments:
If you
heeded my previous warning and have entirely
removed all of your clothing, ensure you put it all back on again.
Do not leave anything behind as you will not want to
return back to this spot for
some time. Do a
once-over check to ensure no
turd is on your clothes before returning back to your camp/friends/
bivouac/lean-to/cave. Dressing can also become a
crucial stage in this exercise as you can
stumble into the pile you have just left when
trying to redress. Ensure you are at
a safe distance before hopping around trying to
get your trousers back on again.
Heading back to camp:
Always
wash your hands. Choose an appropriate
stream, that isn't
poluted with too much toxic waste, and rub them together
vigourously.
Shit is dirty, and
contains germs,
never under any circumstances should it be
licked off your hands. Take note of the
direction, and
approximate location of
your deposit. It isn’t that you want to
find it again, on the
contrary, you want to
avoid it again
at all costs. If
your body didn’t want it, and put you through
all this trouble to get rid of it, there is no way you need to
get it back again. You will also
need to ensure you steer
your fellow campers away from the site in such a way that will not
raise suspicion. E.g. "
Don’t go that way, because when I went down there before looking for a
rare Mongolian green-breasted
throat warbler, I thought
I saw a Yeti! Don’t quote me on that, but it looked
just like one."
Enjoy your stay in the jungle, and good crapping everyone!