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Everybody wants to have the kind of job where you are in control - where you can come in as you please, do the job the way you think it should be done, be free to take time away from work and to pace yourself as you see fit; that is, lesiurely.

But it's a mystery to most how to actually get this job. Well, have no fear! I have the answer, and at long last I will share it with the world. You don't get the job, you create it.

Now, to be fair, if you've been working your butt off like a sucker in the same job for five years, there ain't nothing you can do about it now. The techniques I have been gracious enough to outline below will only work with a new job, except in certain extreme circumstances (recovering from coma, etc.). The reason for this is simple. What we are talking about here is nothing less than the interference with another mind for purposes of molding it toward our own ends. To accomplish this, a mind in a sufficiently malleable state is required.

So, we deal with the boss while his first impression of us is yet to be formed. It is necessary for a novice at this to obtain a job for which he is overqualified. This is because your first task will be to impress your new boss with your efficiency...Before you can protest, let me assure you that I hear your concerns and no part of this plan requires that you work hard. It is merely necessary to impress the boss with what a good job you are doing. This is why a job beneath your esteemed abilities is called for - you ought be able to do the job very, very well in a less than normal amount of time. You should also know that it is a bad idea to ask questions during trainings, even if you need to. It is of the highest importance that you convey the impression that you know perfectly what you are to do, and training is merely a formality. Any misunderstandings you may have can be worked out through practice, when no one is watching since they all know by now what a thouroughly excellent job you will do. (If you will be operating heavy machinery, be sure to bring a first aide kit with plenty of tourniquets. It's embarassing and counter-productive to this excercise to seek medical help.)

Next, after you've convinced your boss(es) and coworkers of the reliably stellar quality of your work, it's time to set up the prima dona personality. To do this it is necessary to develop a few quirks. You can do a war dance around your work area before you get started. You can come in with blood and fur conspicuously drenching your hands and face, and when asked reply that you sacrificed a rabbit for good luck and ate its liver raw. You can hop up and down while you work and punch yourself in the face "to keep the blood going." I'm sure you can think of better ones yourself; just remember, the object is to keep up your productivity during this time and connect your strange behavior to your superior results.

The point of acting like a wierdo is to detract attention from other, more mundane habits that you will be developing {i.e. rolling out of bed at noon to come to work, missing days without calling in, demanding ridiculous pay raises, taking progressively more frequent and longer coffee breaks, arranging your work environment -physically and psychicly- to your satisfaction, and of course getting stoned at work). It's vital to roll these behaviors out very gradually. While your actions may be constantly shifting, it should be perfectly apparant to all around you that you are the model of consistency.

Therefore, when you have reached your ideal balance between work and play, it will seem as if you have always been there. And just remember that once you acquire a reputation, it's there to stay regardless of contrary evidence. Who can blame you for using this to your advantage for once in your lifetime?

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