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Flip-flip-flipping through the pages of old dusty notebooks, glimpses of things I carry with me always come peeking through.


You gave me my first kiss. It was raining. Pouring rain. The schoolyard was empty save a few kids here and there who braved the recess storm. We were hidden under a tire mountain, it was cold. You were the only person who knew what had happened to me. I was moving the next day. We were holding hands and shivering. "I want to give you something." I asked you what. "This..." You kissed me. It was sweet and timid. "I don't want all of your memories of here to be bad." Thank you. I will never forget you because of this.


Oh, you were a real charmer, you were. All eyes to die for and witty remarks and perfect timing. You were oblivious. I refused to admit what I felt to anyone. I was at the age where the secrets you told your best friend didn't remain a secret for very long. I kept the secret of you all to myself. You were oblivious. You were oblivious.


You would end up teasing me for the rest of time. You knew which buttons to push. You had a special name for me, though it took you a few minutes to say it and it grew each time. Dimpled imp, tall and serene. I was oblivious. You could have swept me up into forever - I would never have come down. Only later would I see it. I was oblivious.


You would turn my head just enough to convince myself a relationship with you was a good idea. You said all the right things and did all the right things, in the beginning. As time wore on, you lead me through hell. Mea Culpa. You broke my heart and broke my mind and broke my soul. I am still trying to fix it. But I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you.


I still remember you sitting in his kitchen, sitting in a chair and asking me to cut your hair. The patient brushing, stroking, cutting. You made the mundane more interesting. You never did manage to teach me to juggle. I barely scratched the surface of teaching you to think in french. If I didn't know so much about all your little bad habits, I would have leapt at the innuendo you had strewn at my feet. Lucky for me, I didn't. Luckier for you.


You are the crush that will endure the sands of time. Your eyes are dark pools of kindness and when you look at me in that way, I am taken back to the days when we were too afraid to do anything about it. You kissed me on my wedding day. Nothing unusual, just a kiss. It tasted like regret. We are both committed to others, but always there is that question. And the answer? Oh, the answer.


And it all boils down to you. Lucky seven. You were my friend. You were my acquaintance. I had to have you. Every fibre of my being breathed that wanting. You were fun and laughter and light. Your eyes were the cloudless sky after the storm. I wanted you. Oh, I wanted you. I got you. I still look at you every once in a while in disbelief. You are mine. And it is good.

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