July 21, 2020

How many times have you heard someone say, "I don't know how I feel about this or that?" I bet it has been a number of times.

Hi, I'm Dr. Peter Swilling. I am here in place of your friend Behr, who I understand you refer to as Friend Behr in your secret Internet circles. He is now a patient of mine under close study. I am here to update you on his care and status and also to share with you my knowledge, wit, and wisdom. Thank you once and all.

As I said in my diatribe yesterday, we are trying to learn as much about Mr. Goats (Friend Behr) as we can because we believe this is the best way to help him recover his wits. We are finding layers upon layers of stories, many of them involving murder and mass graves, which is upsetting for me personally. I am no fan of mass graves, let me tell you. I think it stinks of authoritatian regimes.

At one time when I was debating resuming my aborted dance company idea, I would come at my patients like a very aggressive Jazz dancer. I really did. This was done for effect, to show them that even things as benevolent as a psychotherapist can become something as malevolent as an aggressive Jazz dancer. Something to think about. Now, I don't use this method with "Friend Behr" as I think startling him is probably not a good idea at this time. I need to take baby steps with this very delicate flower of a patient.

What we have noticed as we study Friend Behr is that he definitely attempted to penetrate his skull with a drill or other object with the apparent intention of doing things to his own brain. I've made a note of this as it may call for an MRI tomorrow if we can get a machine.

Sometimes what you take notice of really matters. I've noticed this to be true over the years. How many of you have ever wanted to be on the cover of a magazine? How many of you realize this will never happen? Let me see a show of hands. Now, the reason I do this with my groups is because I want to see how they will react to each other. I think this matters. It really matters. Take notice of it.

You have to admit, you honestly know you are in trouble when someone asks you a question and you have no idea what the answer is. At this point you might as well run out into the middle of the street and pray for rain. I mean that metaphorically, of course. Please don't literally run out into the middle of the street. I think we can both admit that would be not helpful to your overall well being.

In closing I will say that we will continue to study Friend Behr and give you updates. I think when you think about how things can change over time, whether for better or worse, then you don't really know how the outcome will be in any situation. That leaves us open to possibilities. Like a leaf opening up to reveal a special surprise inside.

Take care.

Medically yours,

Dr. Peter Swilling

On creating quests

Back when I was an even greater n00b to e2, I somehow managed to win SuperMegaNodeFestQuest 2013. Shazam! Ever since, I've fantasized about running a Quest of my own to further my path to e2 enlightenment and transcending godhood.

As time passed, this particular dream tempered itself and now my soul—once longing for noding nirvana—now wishes only that the C-noders washroom has decent toilet paper. But the idea of running a Quest never left my drafts. As part of the pandemic-inspired cleansing of yours truly, I decided to revise and retire my drafts as needed.

But—and there's always a but—it's hard to kill your darlings; it's a lesson no one ever learns for good. For a score and a half I mulled over these seeds of a Quest, wondering if the digital fire was the best they could do.

Given the current volume of submissions to the nodegel, it seems foolish to restrict the type of submissions in an uninteresting way and I don't consider any of my ideas to be interesting in and of themselves to hold interest for a long time.

Therefore, the only solution is to amplify everything.

I have decided to run a Quest, more or less on the following terms:

1. A very long submission window. Comrade Stasik once mentioned that he thought ReQuest was meant to last a whole year and I find that a perfect amount of time for a long quest.
2. Instead of a single great idea, a lot of mediocre ones.
3. And finally, the categories will be secret and the tally anonymized. Who doesn't love a good mystery?

More details to follow.

Relevant xkcd ⇐ Part of Brevity Quest 2020 (285 words) ⇒ Six

1. At least, if your goal is to actually get submissions.

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine, we had a great conversation, and I was thinking about letting go. I have let go of many things in my life. Recently I gave away two sweaters, a black one, and the pink one that I now miss. It was never about the clothes, the dishes, the object itself, it was almost always about control. I have a friend who is very cautious. I'm the more adventuresome type, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Fools rush in where angels fear to tread, that was his response. My first friend and I had a conversation about emotions, and why it is so hard to stay with feelings that are uncomfortable. I learned that even a positive emotion can be scary, but there is great power in acknowledging it, and letting it wash over me. I tried the online dating thing again, the first guy wanted me to come visit him because he had an unexpected day off in the middle of the week. It wasn't a date, he told me what he wanted to do to me, and I told him that I didn't think that this was going to work.

Undaunted, I kept swiping. I found another guy, maybe not the greatest looking person ever, but he seemed warmer, and I liked that. He was positive, upbeat, cheerful, easy to talk to, fun, not that interesting, but I liked what he did for a living. He had a question for me, this is what he said. I was curious, and then I didn't know what to think. Under normal circumstances I would never meet a man I did not know very well at his place. While there are those who disagree with me, in my mind, if you go to his place, and the two of you are alone, sex is on the agenda. His invitation was so outrageous I had trouble processing it initially. Did this person really just ask if I would travel thousands of miles during a pandemic to stay at his place? I laughed it off, several of my friends were concerned, beneath it, I was hurt. I wanted to believe that there were better men out there. I know a lot of men, I work with them, they are my friends, sports have been absent for most of the year, and now they are returning, perhaps unwisely.

Rather than let go, I thought about trying to get closer. What if, instead of writing off yet another guy that I knew, I did something different? I was thinking about this while talking to my first friend, but I didn't tell her this. Instead I shared it with someone who knows me better. I did my best to be candid, and he said something unexpected. I could always ask someone out myself he reminded me. I had been thinking about that and wondering. This person has a birthday coming up, and I like to buy presents. But it had to be something special. He has paintings, and I'm happy he does, I have a couple more that I want to hand to him, sometimes the person who inspired a certain piece feels like the owner to me. I turned this over in my mind, and decided that another painting was not the answer. I bought a stick blender, and then some groceries. I was heading home, and had a new idea. So I drove to a store that I haven't been to recently. It's always there for me when I return, and I contemplated my reasons for not shopping there as often as I have in times past.

At home I wrote out my message. I explained that I missed him, and asked if he wanted to get together outside of work sometime. I am no longer employed there, but it still feels like a place where I belong. I folded the card in half along the top, stuck it in an envelope, and sealed it. Now the only thing I have to do is give it to him. While I was explaining this to the woman who sold me his present, she was very encouraging. I'm not sure how long we have known each other, years, perhaps even a decade, time plays tricks on me as I age. She told me that I didn't have anything to lose by asking him out, and that he would understand what I was saying without spelling it out for me. She had other good advice including a line on bravery. Courage only had to last for three seconds she told me, and as she said it, I realized that it was true. I'm scared. Not of rejection, although there is that possibililty, but what if I get what I want? It terrifies me, but the only way out is through, and part of me feels very ready for this. I only hope he feels that way too.

Xoxo,

Jess

P.S. There's always some madness, but there is method in there too.

j

1. It hardly seems possible
2. that twelve months have
3. disappeared, one year ago,
4. we were both walking,
5. our separate directions,
6. you were heading west,
7. while I was traveling east.
8. We have covered a lot of
9. ground since then, doesn't
10. every prolonged and
11. agonizing journey start
12. with that single first step?
13. P.S. I still write you love letters...