I planned to write an introduction of myself as my first node. Instead, I am going to write a node regarding an amazing man who recently entered my life. You know who you are.

Growing up next to someone I would someday love
This man and I lived near each other for years. He and my brother did not get along very well. They were in a lot of the same activities in school even though they were a year apart. My brother would always complain about him. I never really paid him much attention. When I was in eighth grade we had a slight brush with romance. (As much of a romance as you can have at that age and as much as you can in one day.) I was infatuated with him. We were at an activity for our church and we began to talk. I found him enchanting and I loved the attention. But, my brother and others encouraged against it and I broke off all possible ties. I regretted it. I was interested in him. But, I let it go and moved on. I saw him occasionally at the bishop’s office (we are LDS) when we would both confess, I now guess, our sexual sins. I always wanted to say something to him, but I never knew what to say. His family eventually moved and I never imagined that I would see him again.

Years later
About two weeks ago I was messing around on Facebook and I found him. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to add him, but I did anyway. He messaged me, and I was excited. I messaged him back and we started talking. I had just recently had a fling, which had left me crushed. I was searching for someone to play with to get my mind off my pain. This guy appeared at the perfect time. I knew that he was experienced simply from rumors. I brought up sex shortly into the conversation and only a few minutes later we were planning on meeting. I have a sick way of doing that. I thought he would be an easy lay.

We met for the first time, and I had mixed feelings about him. He was slightly obnoxious. I sensed he was controlling and that worried me. My mother is just barely coming out of a marriage with a controlling man, but I decided to follow the relationship just a little bit further. He was much more advanced than I was. I suddenly felt inferior for the first time. Before that, I was always praised for my skills. With him, I felt like I was a beginner. At first I resisted him. He would tell me to try something and I would delay, just because it bothered me that he would ask. I started to decide that I wasn’t interested. I was scared. I hate getting hurt and I was afraid that he would hurt me. I also knew he had other girls which really bothered me. Even though I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I didn’t want him to be with other people.

When play turns into love
I honestly cannot say when this all changed. But sometime in the course of our short time together it did. I started enjoying spending time with him. I started realizing I could learn from everything he taught me. I started loving his touch and being in his arms. He was fun to be around and I knew it would be a really fun summer.

I started to see that we are so much alike. We love the same things. We love Lifehouse and lasagna and the color blue. We love to play games and we are both extremely competitive. We both love sex and being with people. We are also very scared of being hurt and we both have been very hurt in the past. I love these things. I feel like it brings us together somehow, as lame as that sounds.

Why E2 can build a relationship:
My feelings changed again when I started reading his nodes. I loved them all, but I especially loved the ones that were personal entries. I began to see into his soul. I understood his pain. I felt his tears and his laughter. His writing touched me in ways that I can’t put into words. After I read them, I knew that he had me, forever. No matter where I go, or what I do, or whom I love, he has forever changed me.

I began to see our relationship differently. I started to be extremely jealous when he would talk to other girls and I even told him I couldn’t see him as much because seeing him hurt that he didn’t feel the same way about me. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay away from him. I still can’t.

Boys say stupid things, but I still love one of them.
With all of this said, I must explain one more thing. Tonight he asked me why I put up with all of his crap. He is sometimes quite negative and can be extremely frustrating. He said I was either just that type of girl or I had very low self-esteem. The answer is that I am neither. I put up with his crap because I love his smile. I love that he so patient with me. I love our conversations. I love that he is honest. I love spending time with him. I love that he called me up one morning for Chinese for breakfast. I love his hands and I love the way he touches me. I love that he has an obsession with brushing teeth. I love that he gets into a zone and forgets the rest of the world when he is thinking about things like cooking. I love that he cooks. I love that he explains things in the most difficult manner possible. I love that he thinks deeply and that his mind is always working. I love that he listens to what I have to say. I love that when I told him I was going to get a job in retail he told me I could do so much better. I love that I get all giggly when he calls me or texts me or gets online. I love that I can’t wait for him to talk to me everyday. I love that he feels deeply. You see his good far outweighs his bad.

I am sorry if I have put things so bluntly, but I began to see that it was important. It is important to explain how I feel and I hope that this will explain the reasoning behind my motives. I would do anything for his happiness. I would even stop a sexual relationship so that he could go on an LDS mission. I would do it gladly, even though I love sex, he matters more. His happiness means the world to me.

Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it.

Fourteen of my students just went joyriding in a utility vehicle (a "ute", to us aussies). Three in the cabin, eleven in the tray. Spotlight on and hurtling round the paddocks after wildlife.

The damn’ thing flipped. The 17 year old driver tested negative for blood alcohol (which is something, I suppose, I guess…). I don’t know which of my kids was driving yet. I only know the name of the one that’s gone.

A sixteen year old that I’ve known since she was twelve was trapped under the ute and died on scene. The other 13 kids were treated for “extensive injuries” – one boy’s still in hospital. Again, I don’t know which. I know who was likely to have been there, given the girl that died. It’s better than I feared – the first phone call referred to “multiple spinal and head injuries”.


Today’s a public holiday. Tomorrow I have to go in and comfort their classmates. Tomorrow that group of kids won’t be sitting in the spot where they always sit, leaving their rubbish in the drain, being told to move on because they’re out of bounds, but seldom moving on for me because I know they’re responsible and I don’t push the issue. Responsible. Gods damn you, kids…what the hell were you thinking?

They weren’t stupid kids (actually, frankly, a couple are not so sensible, if it’s the ones I’m assuming it was…but not stupid. Not dumb)…we’re not some back-woods school. We’re in the damn’ capital, for chrissake. And it was a long weekend and they went off to gods knows whose farm, and got stupid.

It’s not fair. And yet…it’s cruelly fair. They were stupid, they pay the price. One of my kids now has to pay the price of knowing she killed her friend. The others have to know that any of them could have tried to put a stop to it. And one of them is dead.

My personal mourning can be brief. I’m sorry she’s dead, I wish she wasn’t and I keep seeing her face before my eyes…but I’m ok, just unhappy. The kids’ mourning won’t be brief – and I have to work out how to support them.

Goodbye, kid. I wish it hadn’t worked out this way.

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