A popular salad dressing manufactured by the Kraft empire; it is often mistaken for mayonnaise but the label is clear: it's salad dressing.

Miracle Whip, like margarine, is vegetable oil spun around at incredible rates of speed until the fats coagulate into molecular formations previously unknown on this planet. These plastics never leave the system after consumption. Since real mayonnaise takes a bowl, a whisk, some olive oil, one whole egg, one egg yolk, some lemon juice and whatever seasonings you care to add and about one and a half minutes out of your life, I fail to understand why anyone would buy bottled rotting "mayo". But using Miracle Whip is the mark of a braver person then I, willing to yield their bodies up for the sake of experiment. Like Spock in "The Wrath of Khan", they believe that "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" to further human knowledge.

What a day!

The kids ate their Frosted Flakes like it was a contest...they didn't want to be late for the bus on a Field Trip day! "Slow down Tiger!" I said to Jellyface as he ran to collect his books.

"Don't worry Ma! Frosted Flakes is fortified with 12 essential vitamins and minerals so I have plenty of energy for the field trip today!" Hellcat fixed her braids, "You should've set out your books last night like I did...now I can have an extra piece of Hormel bacon instead of rushing around!"

"OK kids, that'll be enough of that fighting! Helly, you eat your bacon, Jelly, get your books and for heaven's sake, tuck those shirt tails in!" I took a moment just to take in the scene...my kids.I finished up their lunches...baloney sandwich, a crisp apple, chilled celery sticks, hearty Campbell's soup, and a Hostess Twinkie for dessert. The kids ran out the door and I settled down for a cup of Postum and a Morton's Honey Bun.

I brought my breakfast over to our computer (I named her Betsy) and booted her up. While I waited for her to warm up I took off my apron, folded it neatly, and hung it on the hanger I keep by the desk. I kicked off my pumps and took my first bite of sweet sweet bun. Email... News... Stocks... Everything2. I browsed, voted, noded, then thought... "wonder what Sensei's up to?"

and here it is. Miracle Whip. My beloved Miracle Whip Salad Dressing... advised to be avoided by one of the most beloved noders of all time. O God! I've been feeding this crap to my children!!! MY beloved husband!!! What have I done??? I quickly slipped on my heels and apron and rushed to the refrigerator. I spotted the prime offender right there between the Heinz Tomato Ketchup and the Dr. Pepper... before I reached in I put on a Playtex Living Glove so as not to damage my body any more with this vileness - but then I caught something out of the corner of my eye, it was Betsy (my computer).

I put the offending jar of offensiveness down and went to Betsy, "What's wrong, girl?" there it was... a message from the Harvard School of Public Health, published in the New England Journal of Medicine: Partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, the stuff that makes doughnuts, margarine and french fries taste good, has jumped to the top of the list of dietary evils, beating out even butter in the bad-for-your-heart category. I snapped my fingers once in realization. "Betsy, you're a genius!"

I ran to the jar in the middle of the kitchen.
Soybean Oil
Egg Yolks
Modified Food Starch

No hydrogenated anything! *whew* Sensei, you sure had me going there for a minute! That was a good one! I put the Miracle Whip back in the fridge and shut the door. I reflected on the morning as I slipped off the gloves... family, computer food, partially hydrogenated fats... it sure is a big world out there... a big world full of wonderful things... think I'll take the kids to McDonald's for lunch.

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