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"The ways of the elves are many."

--Captain Joe Pierce

Recently, your friend Behr got to meet and get to know a group of elves from the 19th century. They were kind enough to take me into their woodland city and share with me some of their traditions and ways. We had meals, smoked and ingested various things, and engaged in a ritual orgy to sanctify our bond. While I had once been dedicated to the eradication of the elves and their liberal ways, I had now sealed what is known as a "Bottom and Top Contract" (I am not sure what it is, but elves are mysterious in many of their ways) before returning to our time to report on what had happened.

When I returned to the woodland city of the elves in our time (2019), many of the same elves greeted me. They have very long lifespans, they told me. They live without industry in the way we would define it. They farm, make use of timber, hunt, and so forth. Contrary to what I was told years ago at the Straight White Men's Cultural Center of Baltimore, they do not eat humans. They may have done this in secret rituals, but they swore up and down that they eat only sanctified meat. Mostly they eat lentils and salad. Their genetics, their healthy lifestyle, and the curious nature of their species contribute to their long lifespans. They were bemused (Internet kiddie term) by my time travel and how I had murdered a devious time traveling "Doctor Beckett" in order to acquire his contraption. They did not travel in time. Kirkegard, one of their leaders, told me they would rather be patient and wait for time to pass or to put a rat turd under their tongue in order to feel like they were in the past when instead they spent most of their time squatting in the forest letting blackened waste pour out of them because of the sickness caused by putting rat turds under your tongue and waiting for them to dissolve there. Chopper has told me multiple times that this method is incorrect, and that it is supposed to be "rat poison" rather than "rat turd," but "rat turd" sound infinitely better because mostly it isn't poison (unless you killed the rat with enough poison for it to become one with him and his periodic bowel movements).

Like me, the elves reject science because of its constant failings and incorrectness in general nature. The elves rely on something they call "light energy," which they draw from the elven dimension in the same way we draw power out of coal and timber. They can use it to perform feats we would consider to be from the realm of magic. They have trickery for the ways of war, but will never attack first and never will they invade. They will kick you army's ass if you come into their forest. They are good with bow and arrow, which is a weapon of old. You can find more information on the bow and arrow and how it was used in ancient times by visiting your local lending library.

Captain Joe Pierce of the Utica Center for the Study of Ubiquitous Activities has been studying the phenomenon of the elves (who are a phenomenan phenomenon) for twenty years from his basement office on the outskirts of Utica, New York where I maintain a Unibomber style cabin in the woods outside of town with my associates Chopper and Chester Doe. Chester is a fellow who I found wandering confused in the woods. He seems to have some kind of memory condition. All he knows is his name is Chester. I let him hang around with me and Chopper and tolerate him. I have nominated him to be the next Vice President of this country because he is a confused old white man, and that sort of thing has had good odds this century.

Since I was once a sworn enemy of the elves because a woman I dated stated a preference for having sex with elves over sex with me, it took a lot to turn me around. What did it for me was the quality and quantity of new learnings I would receive from the elves. That they also rejected science as false and tricksy, with too many faults to count, was a plus, but the new learnings sealed the deal. They told me about how the plants and trees are a higher form of consciousness and that the animals are here to be eaten because of their abject stupidity. And then they ate salad, which confused me, but they just laughed it off. Dainty Leafskin, who took over as guide on my tour of the woodland city, shared some new learnings with me as we went into the forest and smoked from his magical pipes and ate some wild mushrooms and berries he collected.

Humans are a brutal, unthinking species, but the influence of the elves throughout the centuries has helped us become better. Because of my rejection of elvish teachings, I remained a brutal and unthinking man prone to murder at the slightest provocation. I was lost, but in the 19th century, the elves found me and spoke to me in a way I could understand. They want us to fight against the scourge of climate change because they are aligned with nature and natural beauty (which you will find in your non-manmade type surroundings). According to Meyer and Fromage, without elvish influence and teachings, the human race would have been wiped out, along with the planet, in the 1950s. This is something Dwight D. Eisenhower seemed to allude to in very obscure ways while he was the President of the United States. While he never mentions elves directly, a close look at Ike will show that he definitely had elvish features and therefore may have been heavily influenced by the elves. It is hard to be sure because everything was in black and white in the 1950s and colors were not invented until the 1960s. We know this because we have the photographs from both decades and can compare them side by side.

Beckwith and Cooper, in their well known tract, Elves: You Need to Know Now, brought to the attention of modern mankind the potential threat the elves posed to our dominance of the planet, which we can only demonstrate by killing every other living thing on the planet within the next hundred years or face the wrath of God. I used to ascribe to their position, but the elves tell me that Roger Beckwith lived in a locked psychiatric ward and had since he was sixteen and Thomas T.R. Cooper was a well known Birmingham masturbator. These sources were not as scholarly as I had been led to believe, and when Meechy Peen, one of the wisest of the elves I spoke with, told me about who they were and how both had been judged to be of "low moral character" and were guilty of violations of the laws of ethics, I was turned around. I would no longer consider Beckwith and Cooper to be reliable as sources of information on the elves. Their anti-elf tracts were likely the product of an angry, prejudicial mind and I will no longer promote their work in any way. Ibid.

Henry Goldblume may prove to be a better source of less salicious material about the elves. In his 1987 book, Elves on Hill Street, Goldblume explores the impact elves breaking through from their dimension into ours has on an inner city population. As a police lieutenant with years of experience on the force, Goldblume's wtinessing of what he did witness in those mean streets he worked provides us with details of how they sometimes would care for the sick and elderly. I bristled at reading this, as I feel the sick and elderly are best used as targets for grifting and violence because of their weak and easy to exploit nature. It is only ethical. The elves tell me I am wrong on this point. I am considering what they have had to say, for what they have had to say has represented many new learnings for me. Goldblume said the elves can help shape our lives and make us better people. This is something that, in the past, would have made me physically ill, but now that I've had meals and sex with elves, I am willing to consider Goldblume's point of view.

In her 1992 novel, Beachfront Property, Ellen G. Jordan explored many of the themes familiar to young women in America today. In the second chapter, Don't Touch Me, Goober, she details her encounters with nerdy boys with glasses and backpacks and acne coming up to her in high school and trying to talk to her. As a very attractive, wealthy, and popular girl, Ellen G. Jordan laughed at them and later, when the time was right, she began hanging them from posts in the town square. She did not kill them, she only wounded their pride when she hung them up from those posts and sent her boyfriend the football captain and all his buddies to pound on them while they hung there. The message was received and Ellen G. Jordan has lived alone and in perpetual sorrow since 2004 when her husband tired of her setting him up to be brutally beaten by roving gangs of ex-cons with violent rap sheets every weekend when he was trying to make time with a younger woman. Her life is a sad study.

Through the conversations I had with Dainty Leafskin, I realized that with my full-throated hatred of elves out front, I would be following the same path as Ellen G. Jordan. These were new learnings indeed!

The Anals of History make frequent reference to the interference of the elves. They talk mainly about the horrors the elves had influenced us into making reality like social security, free trade, and the Magna Carta. Those are just three of the most glaring and offensive examples, but there are thousands more. What makes the elves interfere with human history in the way that they do? It may be their close connection to the trees and to what they call the natural beauty of the world, which I simply do not see. All I see is a killing field filled with many low risk targets. The elves tried to calm me, and to see that with what they call "love" I can turn things around and stop killing so often and with such alarming frequency as I do. Torture, they say, is also a big "no no" in their book and they've asked me to stop. Are these words, the words of elvish leader Kirkegard, who speaks for the elves in matters of state, a good thing or a terrible thing? It is up to each of us to decide. I am still on the fence.

Dineesh D. Soto speaks about how the elves plotted for centuries to end hereditary monarchy, which is the only true system of government that has ever worked in human history. The idea of each human having a voice in things was then, and remains today, an absurd concept that produces too many hours of repetitive news. I don't like it. Democracy needs to end under my heavy boots, but for now, I must consider the new learnings from the elves. I must consider that I may have been wrong about my entire life philosophy. At times, I have considered going back to the old factory in Baltimore where I have six men chained up with a rabid racoon locked in the room with them. Perhaps it is too late. It has been six months.

While we struggle under the vicious yoke of democracy and pine for the righteous days of God's chosen monarch, we think about these things. Meeting and talking with individuals, or another species, who have different opinions than you do can sometimes help you expand your mind. At other times, such as when you talk to a pickled dullard at the bar, there are no new learnings and no mind expansion. There is only being witness to the pickling that is happening in front of you. Order another beer and watch him slowly die. It is the way of things.

Kirkegard tells me that the elves have an extensive lending library of books they have written about their interactions with humans and their influence on human history. If you come to the second rest stop after Utica, going east towards Syracuse on I-90, go into the men's room and go into a stall and wait for someone to come in and begin scurrying in a way men never scurry inside of a public restroom. When you hear this scurrying, and you might wait for hours or even days for it, you will know the elves have come. Speak clearly and out loud when you tell them, "I would like to go to your lending library and acquire new learnings from the ways of the elves." They will be receptive. Don't leave the rest area bathroom until they have arrived, scurried, and responded. Bring a lunch and a few snacks. Despite what you have heard, it is perfectly normal to eat an entire meal that you prepared at home or bought in a restaurant inside the stall of a rest area men's room. There is nothing wrong with it at all.

"Without us, the humans merely repeat the same mistakes they have always made. They repeat the same misinformation and lies so many times that they come to believe them to be infallible truth. It is the work of the elves in your dimension to help foster a greater good in humans. We take this work very seriously. New learnings need to come. The past has passed. Without accepting new learnings and new ways, your race will die. This planet will be done with you and that will be the end of your kind."

--Kirkegard Elflord, Lord of Interdimensional Bavaria

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