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I don't often do movie reviews, although I wrote a Peabody Award winning review of Apocalypto some years ago. My mind was changed when my good friend and leader Brandon Hitler took me to the Conservative Arts Theatre to see Robin Hood: Prince of Elves.

The reason I say this is because this movie was not like the farcical representations of liberal lore, no sir. This is the real story of Robin Hood and what a monster he was and how he was eventually destroyed by the righteous Forest King of Britain.

Before I begin, I will say that in the parking lot of the theatre I saw a goofy motherfucker in the parking lot. This was the third time this week that I saw a goofy motherfucker in a public place and I'm sick of it. He drew his last breath about twelve hours ago. I only say this to remind you there are now consquences for your actions. There is no getting away. Stray too hard from the rules we give you and we will hunt you down. Of that you can be certain. We're done with you.

Regardless the movie went on. I had popcorn and a small drink which I paid for with my Platinum Card that I got in the mail today. Handy.

As the movie begins we see Robin Hood as a little boy living in squalor. We know this is God's plan and he needs to stay down in the fucking squalor where he belongs but Robin Hood gets uppity. We've tolerated uppitiness for TOO LONG in America and the boot is coming back for your narrow necks. It surely is.

Robin Hood has soldiers come by and see him trying to get uppity and for righteous reasons they grab his five year old ass and shove him face first into the squalor until he can barely breathe. Then they urinate on him very freely which is wonderful. A nice touch to remind us of staying in our place.

Each time the soldiers do this, every couple weeks or so until he is a pathetic weak man unworthy of God's rich heritage of wonder. You would think this dipshit would learn his lesson but he is going to keep coming. He makes an alliance with the woodland elves who are really snooty and self-important and don't like urinating on each other. Give do they unto Robin a bow and arrow to shoot rabbits with which he fails at first at because he is a weak squalor creature but then he somehow gets better after a while and can shoot worms out of people's mouths when they die. This isn't something very marketable so he steals stuff from the deservedly wealthy ruling class and has the elves classify it for distribution to miserable failed folk.

The Forest King is not pleased with this as you can imagine. He has a vast fortune built on his divine providence that these squalor fucks can never have. They will never have the love of God who only loves the ruling class and the nobles and some of the Japanese. As a result the Forest King sends his army to hunt down and kill Robin Hood (which they frankly should have done earlier when he was still in the squalor because anyone who gets uppity that often is never going to get better and a shovel can cleave a child's head from its neck moorings in seven seconds flat). Hindsight is 50/50 so what can be done except to now burn the countryside, kill thousands of peasants, and remind everyone who God chose to be in charge. Great stuff. Very real, very historical.

Everything is right for the period except for the NRA advertisements which show up at strange times in the movie. An example would be where there is a billboard behind a battle scene showing some patriot with a rifle saying "Take over the government before they take your guns." Powerful and true stuff but as far as keeping the historical perspective on these true events it messes up the immersive experience you are having. Immersive is a word one of my "hostages" taught me the other night as I was cutting off bits of his ear. It means "keeping it real."

There isn't much sex which is unfortunate but this is being told from the Christian perspective so that might explain it. They think sex belongs in the bedroom and I think that is too constrictive even though I have a Bible and I am taking over my neighbors' property in order to build a Bible and Constitution Theme Park that will need most of the neighborhood so I can fit in all the rides. There is a peep show around the corner from this theatre if you need to take care of business (like I did) after the movie.

Where did I leave the story? Yes that is where I left the story. When the Forest King sends his armies after Robin Hood and the elves, who are barren, hopeless creatures with sunken eyes hiding behind their out of control sexual lusts they go after them. There are musical scenes with Wagner music like my dad used to play loudly when I was growing up and occasionally you see a little green elf erection and then another ad for the NRA. This was a continuity problem for me that was very jarring.

It would have been great if the Forest King had slaughtered all the awful people and re-seeded the countryside with God's children but it didn't happen that way in real life and neither does it in the story which is historically accurate except for the NRA ads and the disco music. I also don't think most of the elf cocks looked real. Some did but a lot of them seemed like green plastic tubes but I would have to watch the movie again.

Someone named Dinish DeSoto or something is involved in this which sounds like a terrorist so that concerned me. I am told he is a righteous bro by Brandon so I guess I can accept that. Brandon really helps me calm down on nights where I am agitated by the liberal state of the world by reading me poetry when I give him his weekly oil rub. I find him a more calming influence than Chopper or The Slow Kid (who can be very jarring himself at times) and at my advanced age I need calming influences.

The actions builds at this point in the cinema as the Forest King arrives at the head of his armies to authorize further killing of peasants (which is does in an inspiring speech). Seeing so many schlomos killed so violently made it hard to keep my hands away from my crotch during the movie. It was better than sex and much more of a turn on. It was like when I went to the noder meet in 2008 and slaughtered that young noder couple in the woods. Very much the same. Comparisons (comparing one thing with another to form a comparison) are accurate.

The movie ends with the Forest King on his horse looming over a beaten Robin Hood and bringing the hoof of his horse down on Robin's neck, very slowly pressing down to make his deserved suffering last. It is a great moment. A triumph of order and law. The revolt has been crushed. Goodness reigns once again. Tears in the eyes as the end credits roll, showing a beautiful sunrise heralding this great moment.

I give it four stars out of five because of the stuff that was jarring.

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