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The elves decided to send one of their kind to follow Agent Mulder and myself back to the human realm. We had been visiting the elven dimension in order to go to the Elven Theme Park and ride on the Freakout Simulator and we were heading back. We were followed! There was nothing we could do about it. Unlike people, elves are crafty and you never know when one of their kind is behind you or if it is just in your head, as many things are.

Agent Mulder and I went to get a cup of coffee and then to go to the theatre to see International Hit Movie Joker at a theatre (in the Utica area - I will NOT give you any more details than that - if you want more details you can go fuck yourself). I was sure I saw a shifty elf watching us from outside the window of the coffee shop. Then I was sure I saw him again, but he was crafty so the evidence was merely circumstantial. This is one of the reasons I want to do away with lawyers and the courts and give the police permission to shoot anyone, anytime, for any reason. This would make this a much better world, but people aren't ready yet. What we have on our hands is an elf infiltrator. I saw him again outside the men's room and three times is indeed the charm. I threw on a hair net. This was a hairnet that I tore off an employee of the coffee shop. I then ended up sticking her head in the hot vat of bacon grease and holding it under the grease for twenty minutes. That was the end of her. I used the hair net to throw over the elf and drag him out into the light.

I'm not sure if I've ever told you or not, but elves are pretty crafty. I often forget to bring that up, which is why I am bringing it up now. Does that make sense to you? I hope so. What color shirt are you wearing? Does it have logos on it? WRITING? BULLSHIT? Call me at home and leave a message on my answering machine. I have been using this one since 1988 because it is solid state unlike whatever you use.

The elf's name was Jonathan Ticklebutt. This information was ascertained when I pinned him down and demanded it out of him. Then I looked at his face. It was absolutely gorgeous, this face that he had. I couldn't believe it. You wouldn't have believed it. This elf had an absolutely gorgeous face.

Back in Baltimore, at the Straight White Men's Cultural Center (before the FBI raid in which leader Brandon Hitler was killed wrongly), we used to have pictures up on the walls in our "hunting lodge room" of men we thought were particularly gorgeous specimens of manhood. Some of the members would stare at those pictures for hours. It was wonderful. They might not have considered Jonathan Ticklebutt to be truly gorgeous, as they preferred large, lumberjack looking men and men in leather jackets and pants. However, I assure you, he may have been effeminate, but he was gorgeous. I wanted to lick his gorgeous face, but he was terrified. He'd heard about me. I have a reputation.

I'm not sure it matters. When you are celebrating the cultural traditions of the straight white American male, which is currently in danger of becoming extinct, you don't think so much about whether a gorgeous man is effeminate or lumberjacky. I don't really care. Beauty is beauty. You take it as it is and celebrate any and all good looking straight white men.

Jonathan Ticklebutt asked me to let him up. He explained that he was sent by the leaders of the Elven Council, which was located in 1973. They wanted to keep an eye on my activities, as I was listed as a dangerous enemy of the elves. That is on account of my past history of hunting them down and killing them in cold blood. We have a cease fire as we work together to find and destroy the climate change denier supervan and the lies that it spreads through denial of climate change and its antecedents. Ibid.

Agent Mulder caught up to us in the kitchen, just as Jonathan was getting up off the floor. We told him (in unison) that we didn't appreciate being spied on. And then we rocketed to 1973 in order to face the twelve members of the Elven Council. We were in trouble now, boy. Get us out of here, Willis! What is going on? Is anyone in the capsule? Send down more granola.

It was the time of the season, I suppose, for loving. With Christmas right around the corner, we have to buy presents. At this point I wasn't sure whether I needed to buy a gift for Jonathan Ticklebutt or not. I found him to be gorgeous, and so I wanted him to like me. That meant making a good impression and the first impression is the one before the second impression. It stays with you longest. So, I decided I would buy a Christmas present for Jonathan Ticklebutt and drove to the mall in my Pontiac. There were malls in 1973, I assure you, and they sold electric home organs you could make terrible 1970s music on. The problem was the gravitational pull of the Elven Council. They were still eager to meet with me and hadn't fallen for the ruse. I would have to buy Jonathan Ticklebutt an electric home organ later.

The council sat in big chairs like judges and looked down their noses at me. They asked what my problem with elves was. I said I had none, but that they bothered me quite a little bit in general. There were reasons. They judged me to be no danger, so I went back to the 1973 mall and right to the electric home organ store. I spent for the top model, as money seemed to be worth more back then, and had a bow put on it. Then I sent it over to Jonathan Ticklebutt's hotel room. He was staying at the Utica Marriott. He had a room on the top floor.

What I did at that point was to take the elevator up to his room. Agent Mulder went along with it, as he seemed sappy from his earlier sexual encounter with one of the elf chicks and her soft and tiny feet. He got in the elevator and mumbled, "This going to be over soon? I'm dizzy." All I did was shake my head at him. We got off on the top floor and went down the hall to Jonathan Ticklebutt's room as the workmen pushed the electric home organ down the hallway in front of us. This was going to be quite a surprise and make a great first impression. This was a thrill ride of the best kind. It was going to be delightful.

I'm not sure if you know what the word "delightful" means or not. Your education is probably lacking. This is a word you can look up in the dictionary while at the library wearing nothing but boxer shorts and a bathrobe. Do your own work. I'm not linking that shit or explaining just because you went to a sorry ass school instead of a charter school where you would be taught right.

The workmen knocked on the hotel room door. It took a moment for Jonathan Ticklebutt to answer. He was in a kimono and slippers and had a human woman in his room. She was mostly naked. He looked surprised to see the organ being delivered, and the workmen pushed it into his hotel room. They said, "That's all we been paid for" and left.

Standing there with our electric home organ gift and Jonathan Ticklebutt and human woman (fairly attractive) apparently in the middle of sexual experiences of some kind, Agent Mulder nudged me.

"Maybe we should get out of here, Friend Behr."

"You said it."