Findings:

• How to scare the Hell out of a Lexus driver, or: Don't take sharp corners at 50mph in the rain
• Don't kill your invisible husband to see what he looks like or you'll sob your heart out. But don't worry about the millions of invisible men coming to attack your village because they won't kill you if you don't know how to fight them.
• All right, I'm God now. How do I get out of this mess?
• Being a dickhead
• In this moment I'm focused on my own emotions. I don't care about how you feel. I can't.
• Getting the most out of being a temp
• I just submit to one or two days of horror for going out and playing at being a normal functioning person
• Learn how to spell
• I just had a pap smear, for crying out loud. Don't invite me out for coffee.
• I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
• How Eulenspiegel talked two hundred boys out of their shoes
• Getting the most out of public transportation
• Don't Sit Next to Me Just Because I'm Asian
• You don't see the light at the end of the tunnel now, but it's there. I'm holding it for you.
• I'm going to do something stupid if I don't get laid
• I don't think that there's anything worse than being ordinary.
• And my licorice rope ladder is eaten and worn / how the hell do I climb out
• How to bake a cookie which doesn't come out as hard as a rock
• How to get a Goth out of a tree
• Don't blame me, I'm from Massachusetts
• Don't touch me when I'm screaming
• And if you don't look too closely, you won't even notice the cockroach
• Don't be an IM phantom
• Don't worry, I know how to let go.
• One of my IRC friends died and I don't know how to feel
• I don't know, Timmy, being God is a big responsibility
• How to fall out of an airplane
• I'm a consumer whore... And how!
• I'm being eaten by a boa constrictor
• how to fall out of a marriage
• Christians don't believe that "being good" gets anyone into Heaven
• How to scare the living shit out of an arachnophobe with a black shoelace
• Why don't people remember how to use rotary phones?
• I don't Daylog but I'm Daylogging
• I'm angry, and tired, and sad, and I just don't want to deal with it right now, so fuck off
• Don't miss me until I'm dead
• finding my way back to sanity again, though I don't really know what I'm going to do when I get there
• I don't go out of my way to believe in anything
• I don't like your reality, I'm going to make my own
• Don't tell me it didn't come out
• Someone has writer's block but I don't know if I'm him right now
• An' the gobble-uns 'll git you ef’n you don’t Watch Out!
• I'm not really okay with being hated for what I am. It's hard to take. But it's still better than being loved for something I'm not.
• How to find out your own IP address
• How to Fall Out of Love
• how to short out a phone line
• How I found out there wasn't a Santa Claus
• How dating pretty boys helped me come out
• On the beach, by myself. How it turned out.
• Create a throwing star out of Post-it Notes
• How can I talk about love when the bacon is burned and the house is an absolute mess and the children are screaming their heads off and I'm going to miss my bus?
• I'm changing the climate! Ask me how
• How to make bellbottoms out of an old pair of pants
• How to break your neck and freak people out
• Being solicited for sex by people who don't even know your gender
• How to make a weapon out of duct tape
• How to make a purse out of duct tape
• How Eulenspiegel cheated a baker out of a sack of bread
• Getting out of a traffic ticket
• How To Avoid Being Something Other Than What One Is Not
• If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you
• If you can't spell, you're an idiot. "Original ideas" don't come from idiots.
• Don't Go Out the Door
• I'm insensitive, and I don't know anything
• Don't get me wrong - I'm a feminist
• There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how
• Don't assume that just because I'm promiscuous, all I want is sex
• Don't ever forget that I listened to you out of love
• How to avoid being urinated upon by your baby boy
• Where I'm Calling From, A Grand Don't Come For Free
• Why I think I'm a disgusting human being
• Thank god I don't have to make my living passing out bogus petitions
• I don't know how to smile
• I don't need to read, I'm a writer
• How we sleep on the nights we don't make love
• Don't Sit Next to Me, Just Because I'm Gay
• I know I'm not very good at this. I don't want to be better.
• A sexist joke I'm allowed to tell, due to being a woman
• I'm happy but you don't like me
• Don't try to make the moment last. You can ruin it that way. Just learn to savor it and, when the time comes, learn how to let it go.
• I don't know how the fuck you can sleep at night
• I'm related to people I don't relate to
• Don't go, don't change, stop always being the same.
• I don't know what I don't know, so how do I know what to ask?
• I don't even know when I am being sarcastic anymore
• Finding the origin of a Hotmail message
• How to find out if ANY number is divisible by eleven
• How to find out if a Web company is monitoring your browsing habits
• Finding out where a net user lives
• Putting a match out in your mouth
• How to carve a dodecahedron out of a cube
• Screaming Bullet of Compact Imported Death, or: How I Found Out My Mazda Protege Could Go 130mph
• How to Ride Out a Storm
• Getting wax out of carpet
• It's How I Spell Ireland
• How Glinda Worked a Magic Spell
• Thou shalt learn how to spell
• Rolling out fresh pasta
• How I insulted a Mormon, or reason #78345 I'm an Idiot
• How to make a serviceable pair of shoes out of a rubber tire
• How to be a polite smoker in a non-smoking world
• How Eulenspiegel cleared out the merchant's house
• Making a flame thrower out of a Bic lighter
• How to jump out of a plane, and what it's like
• How to have an out of body experience
• How to put a cigarette out on your tongue
• How to scare the hell out of people using flour
• Getting small animals out of the walls
• How to build a computer out of black holes
• How to scare the shit out of someone
• How to read poetry out loud
• How to get more out of Psi
• You don't even know the meaning of the word committed. I'm Andy Kaufman, motherfucker. I will die on this hill I made, in this battle I started, for this prize I already own.
• if being gay isn't illegal, how will we know who's cool anymore?
• You don't even have a chance of being happy if you can't let shit go.
• I feel like I'm being watched
• How to avoid people whom you don't like talking to
• I'm ceded--I've stopped being Theirs
• Don't ever lend out your pants
• Don't rush me, I'm fragile
• Don't look out the window in the morning
• how life is all about loving and being loved
• When being chased by CIA trainees, don't mention Belgium to the waffle house physicist
• How can you arrive anywhere if you don't take that first road trip?
• Please don't tell me how to do my job
• I just don't need help losing things; I'm good enough at that on my own
• How being an irresponsible geek can kill!
• Little lights that don't blink off but fade out instead
• Don't assume that just because I'm gay, all I want is sex
• Why don't you just rip my heart out, it would be quicker and less painful
• Ah, if you should turn out to be a fairy I don't think I'd put you in a jar
• The only mercy in this night is that it don't blow out your match
• Don't let the door hit you in the ass
• I don't know how to fall in love with a woman
• Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry
• Don't try to clean out your car's petrol tank with a vacuum cleaner
• I'm sorry, I don't think we've been properly introduced
• Don't hate me because I'm evil
• Don't get me wrong; I'm not a feminist
• How to cure being ticklish
• The New Face of the BSOD: An Adventure in Password Recovery
• You remember how to whistle don't you?
• I don't shiver because I'm cold. I shiver because you are.
• I'm sorry, I don't believe we've been properly estranged.
• Don't touch me when I'm on a boat
• if you don't stop laughing I'm going to pour Mountain Dew on your bed
• And if I don't die or worse I'm going to need a nap
• we never really fight, so I don't know how this is supposed to go
• Can I play with your breasts? Yes, but don't get out of the yard.
• I would kiss you, but I don't know how to kiss
• Peace out boy scout, don't use your knot tying skills for bad ideas
• I'm a crack whore, and I don't care
• That man has writer's block but I don't know if I'm him right now
• Don't go out without a coat
• I'm scared. I don't have a name.
• How to transcend animal instinct and become a superior being
• I'm not scared of dying, I just don't want to.
• we are learning how not to forget, but we still don't know what's true
• Don't Hug Me I'm Scared
• The ones with their priorities straight don't know how to get what they want, and the ones who get what they want have messed up priorities.
• If you don't know how to make a mu, you have no business measuring quantities that small.
• You can't stop thinking of her: this is how you explained it, a proof of your being in love.
• The best part about you is that you don't even know how great you are
• being thrown into the ocean, if nothing else, will teach you how to swim
• How to find out if an egg has gone bad
• Education is evil. Knowledge is evil. Be a moron. Forget how to spell.
• How to say "I'm crazy"
• I'm not going to simplify things just so they can fit inside your mind. You don't deserve that.
• Smoking from a Pringles tube
• this is how i'm going to die.
• How to argue about something you don't know literally a single thing about
• I don't know how to read science fiction
• i am a seedling. i don't even understand how much i have yet to learn.

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