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The other day, I was under the impression that I was going out on a date with the zoo lady from the Utica Zoo. She showed up at the restaurant okay, but when I went to hug her and try to grope her, she pushed me away and said, "No touching." This is some kind of kinky role play as I understand it. We ate a fine dinner of farm to table goodness from a locally owned restaurant called The Tailor and The Cook. Then zoo lady pushed me away again after we walked outside and I very intensely tried to kiss her on the mouth. She told me to get into her car, a foreign job of some kind causing me to not respect her any longer due to apparent liberalism (a disease) in her brain. I went in her car, ostensibly because I was still seeking sexual congress with her, and she drove me to the outskirts of town. She said, after I questioned this, that we were going to see her dad who was "in a home."

We pulled into this "home" which had a sign out front saying "19th Century Type Sanitarium" and zoo lady parked the car. I said I would wait in the car, but she said she did not want me masturbating in her car because she's "heard about" me, so I went in with her. She signed some papers at the front desk and said I also had to sign some. I tried to read the papers but didn't have my glasses. Zoo lady said, "Just sign. Just sign." Not knowing what else to do, I signed the papers and we went down the hall to some kind of recreation room where people were drooling and men in white uniforms were chasing them with nets and baseball bats. One guy was sitting in a chair in the corner listening to the radio and playing with himself but no one was paying any attention to him other than me.

The zoo lady led me down another hall and into an office where a little bald man with spectacles was sitting behind a desk. Next to him was a man I could tell was an FBI agent. The man behind the desk introduced himself as Dr. Eichmann and the FBI agent's name was Fox Mulder, a strange name that I needed him to confirm twice. Apparently he was an animal disguised as an FBI agent. This was his obvious connection to zoo lady. I knew I was being played for real.

I knew I needed to start playing it smart at this point. An FBI agent and a lady who loved animals? This was obviously a master ploy by the deep state to undermine my efforts to make America like it never was before.

Agent Mulder asked me a number of probative questions. In case you are too stupid to understand what "probative" means, it means that you ask questions in an angry tone of voice, sometimes will a balled fist. He asked me about time travel, my encounters with the elven dimension, and about the legend of the Bear of Berlin and whether I was indeed the Bear of Berlin. My scrotum tightened as I prepared to deflect and distract from these probative questions.

Agent Mulder seemed an interesting and intelligent man, but he kept saying the words "evidence of alien life" over and over as he pounded on the table in a probative way. I told him I was unaware of alien life and he brought out a file and started asking me about Hades, at which point my scrotum tightened up so much that one of my severely infected testicles burst like the Hoover Dam in a Michael Bay movie. It was that intense and correctly overblown. I had to tell him four times that "aliens" are not from Hades, nor are they ever allowed there per order of the Big Guy.

He seemed very probative about aliens and so I asked him if there was someone else I could talk to. Maybe they had someone more sensible, who understood concepts like elves and work groups and forced labor camps being good for America. He said there was no one else to talk to and asked me in a disrepectful tone of voice, "May we continue, Mr. Goats?"

"Call me Friend Behr."

"I will not be doing that. Now, Mr. Goats..."

This guy was something else.

I asked the zoo lady if she could help, but she said nothing. She just looked at Agent Mulder and then asked me, "Did you tell him about your war against the monkeys?"

"I did not," I correctly reported. The matter of my war to exterminate all animal life on this planet has nothing to do with these aliens that Agent Mulder was so keen on hearing about. I asked him if I could get a Shasta, and he sighed and left the room. Zoo lady followed, despite my request that she stay and do coitus with me.

There was a bed and a lamp in the room, so I laid down on the bed and took a nap. A little while later, a nurse came and brought me some pills which did not get me high or give me an enhanced erection. The thing about an enhanced erection is that it stays white hard even after you've ruined the ability of six women to ever have a psychologically well-adjusted life (Internet kiddie term). Something didn't seem right about the situation, but then I fell asleep and woke up to a couple of large black men getting me out of the bed and forcibly making me walk down the hall to a dining room. When I stopped, one of the men held me and the other jumped up and came down on top of my knee, with my leg fully extended, and drove right through the joint, destroying it forever and ripping tendons to and fro.

"Any more questions?" the men asked me as I fell on the floor and went into shock.

They picked me up after a minute or two and dragged me into the dining room where I was forced to sit at a table while the men playfuly kicked my now totally destroyed knee. Agent Mulder came over with his notebook and began asking me more questions about aliens. When I pointed out what had happened to my knee, he sighed, got up and walked away.

I found a broom, broke through the handle by holding it against my good knee and bringing it down with full force using both of my gorilla mitts. Then, with some duct tape I made myself a split and hobbled over to where a breakfast buffet was set up. I got some runny eggs and room temperature bacon and went back to my seat. I did not understand why any of this was happening.

By the time I managed to choke down the awful breakfast and hobble back to the main sitting area, I'd regurgitated on myself three times and groped four women with aggressiveness. The man who listens to the radio and masturbates was at it again, so I tried to remember how to get back to the room I was lying down in. I was feeling lightheaded and having trouble staying alert.

At that point, Agent Mulder appeared again and asked me if it was true that I could be destroyed by throwing me into a fireplace at the Eagle's Nest in Bavaria. He seemed to have a lot of specifics, so I knew he was legit. I invited him back to my room and he is finishing this as I begin to lose consciousness.

This is Agent Mulder. I will take care of your friend. The rest of you may be questioned later.

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