CREDITS: The word "COPS" crashes into the screen. Almost as an afterthought, in small print, the word "SUBURBAN" crashes above it.

THEME: Bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do...

ANNOUNCER: SUBURBAN COPS is filmed on location with the real men and women of Brookside's law enforcement force. Mostly men. Although there's only eight, so any statistics like this are (music builds) MEANINGLESS.


CAPTION: 10:38 AM : Kids loitering

MCGRATH: We're here in Brookside, at 10:38 AM. I'm Tim McGrath. This is my partner, Ron Clement.

CLEMENT: (not turning) Hi.

MCGRATH: We're on our way to investigate a 704. Unruly teens.

CLEMENT flips the siren on.

MCGRATH: (while driving ninety miles an hour) These are my favorite kinds of calls.

CLEMENT: There they are!

MCGRATH pulls the car over and leaps out.

THREE YOUTHS are drinking coffee in front of a Starbucks. They wear expensive clothing which could, if you tried very hard, be mistaken for gang colors.

MCGRATH tackles YOUTH #1 with great bravado.

MCGRATH: Are you carrying any weapons or drugs?

YOUTH #1: What?

MCGRATH: Shut up and answer the question!

YOUTH #1: No! Nothing!

YOUTH #2: (still standing) What's going on here?

YOUTH #3: Run! It's the Suburban Cops!

YOUTH #2 AND #3 scatter.

MCGRATH: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

CLEMENT (aiming gun) Aw, just gimme an excuse...

YOUTH #1: You guys are crazy! What did I do?

MCGRATH: You're charged with loitering and disorderly behavior. (sniffs spilled coffee) And potentially public consumption of an alcoholic beverage.

YOUTH #1: It's a latte!



CAPTION: 10:50 AM : Domestic disturbance

MCGRATH: Now, what happened there is these three kids were loitering in front of a Starbucks. We'd had several complaints from concerned citizens about their behavior, and the time came to take them down. Two of them got away -- that's life out here in the suburbs.

CLEMENT: (nodding emphatically) Uh-huh.

MCGRATH: That last kid really got me. The trouble was that he was resisting arrest. That's every cop's worst nightmare. So Clement had to shoot him.

CLEMENT: (nodding even more emphatically) Uh-huh.

MCGRATH: Now, we're on our way to -- Holy Toledo!

CAMERA PANS to reveal a married couple arguing down the street, in front of the squad car.

CLEMENT: Pull over. This one's mine.

MCGRATH: Got it.

MCGRATH pulls the car over and CLEMENT gets out.

HUSBAND: I told you I wanted fresh lettuce! Not frozen!

WIFE: I'm sorry, darling. I must have not been thinking.

HUSBAND: Oh, well, that's okay. You didn't mean to --

CLEMENT: Freeze!

HUSBAND and WIFE: (in perfect, scripted unison) Oh no! The Suburban Cops!

CLEMENT: What's going on here?

HUSBAND: Oh, nothing. We were just having a little tiff, is all.

CAMERA PANS around wildly.

CLEMENT: Sir! I'm going to have to ask you to calm down immediately or I will be forced to take extreme measures! Now please, step away from your wife!

WIFE: No, really, we were just talking about lettuce.

MCGRATH: (face red with tension) Do as the man says!

Uncertainly, the HUSBAND backs away. MCGRATH handcuffs him and puts him in the back of the car.

CLEMENT: You make me sick. You have the right to remain silent...



CAPTION: 11:05 AM : Jaywalker

CLEMENT: Dammit! It really gets to me that a bastard like that will be back on the streets in 24 hours. It's a damn injustice that our revolving-door prison system lets that guy when he's clearly a threat to society.

MCGRATH: At least she'll be safe now.

CLEMENT: Uh huh.

MCGRATH: (to camera) Anyway, we're on our way to investigate the trouble that we were about to deal with when that last call came in. We've had reports of a jaywalker on State Street.

CAMERA PANS to reveal a twelve-year old KID walking in front of the car. Against traffic.

CLEMENT: There he is!

MCGRATH: I'm glad that he's still engaged in jaywalking even after we spent fifteen minutes dealing with that last criminal.

CLEMENT: Let's roll.

MCGRATH pulls over the car, and BOTH jump out.

CLEMENT fires a warning shot into the air.

CLEMENT: Don't move a muscle!

KID: Gee, mister, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.

MCGRATH: Shut up, scum. We've got you on camera jaywalking in heavy traffic.

KID: What's jaywalking?

CLEMENT: Don't play ignorant-twelve-year-old-kid with us, boy. We know all about you.

MCGRATH: Put your hands above your head.

Confused, the KID does so.

CLEMENT handcuffs him and puts him in the back of the squad car.



MCGRATH: Man, it's tough when they're young. I hate to see a kid like that waste his whole life. A kid with potential. He could've been a lawyer or a social worker, but now he'll spend 12 to 15 in a federal prison.

CLEMENT: Yeah, well, maybe it'll set him straight.

MCGRATH: We can only hope.


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