display | more...
A model of truck manufactured by Chevrolet and/or GMC. These extremely large SUV's should be outlawed, or at least require a commercial truck license to operate. Weighing in at nearly 3 tons (6000 lbs / 2700 kg), these motorized blocks of steel can and will make a beer can out of anything they collide with.

See also: Urban Assault Vehicle

Disclaimer: I do not mean to offend any E2 Soccer Moms. By noding, you place yourself above other soccer moms, and by extension, out of the aim of my insulting comments.

A vehicle whose name is actually an acronym reflecting its speed, size, and handling as well as the temperament of its stereotypical driver.

Slow
Ultra-
Big
Ungainly
Rolling
Bitch
Activated
Nuisance


Slow
These badboys have a decent top speed. Sadly, many of them never reach their full potential speedwise unless they are taken out on to the highways where they have room to accelerate. This is due to the fact that they are
Ultra-Big
These massive machines top out at 3/4 of a ton, 219.3 in. long, 79.6 in. tall, and 66 in. wide. Can you say "overkill"?
Ungainly
When you take into account just how immense these beasts are, it's no surprise that they can barely make right hand turns on residential streets. dbrown is correct in stating that they should require a CDL to drive... too bad they don't.
Rolling
Obviously they roll on their wheels. But these giants (like all other SUV's) have a nasty tendancy to roll over when driven like an automobile with lower ground clearance.
Bitch Activated
When you see one of these land-crawling leviathans, 9 times out of 10 the driver will be a pissed off, highly opinionated, soccer mom.
Nuisance
Naturally, soccer moms (lacking in common sense/ knowledge of basic physics) drive these miniature semis as though they were compact cars. It is not a good thing to weave in and out of traffic at 70+mph when your vehicle's center of gravity is up higher than a 2nd grader's head.

If you drive a Suburban, please do so responsibly. These vehicles were not designed to be highly manuverable or very fast. You may survive any wreck you get into in one of these, but the person on the other end most likely will not.



Also appears to be the official vehicle of the FBI, CIA, Secret Service and basically any cool or interesting federal or state agency. I asked a spooky guy just the other day why this was after noticing that this rule held true even in Baghdad where they have to be imported at great expense. He explained that the large overbuilt chassis makes them very suitable for the aftermarket body armor and bulletproof glass modifications. Also, the companies that do this like to stick with only one or two models to simplify design and manufacture, which is why they don't often bother with different model vehicles.

The Chevy Suburban might be a gigantic overwrought monster of a vehicle that most people have absolutely no business driving as a primary vehicle, but they do have their uses. Before I go any further I would like to point out that yes I do own a Suburban, but I got it for free, and it just sits there most of the time while I drive my Geo Metro.

First I would like to clear up a misconception related to gas mileage. The Suburban is not unique in the fact that it doesn't get very good gas mileage. They are body-on-frame trucks and they all get terrible gas mileage, even the 4 cylinder ones. Two wheel drive Suburbans actually get around 18 miles to the gallon on the highway, which certainly isn't great, but it beats almost every 4-wheel drive vehicle on the market, and it is shockingly close to what the Chevrolet S-10, Ford Ranger and other compact trucks get. Depending on the options the Suburban might very well get better gas mileage. The Suburban I own seems to get about 17 miles to the gallon, it is a 1989 model, with the 5.7 liter V8 engine. It would probably get 18, but it has a sort of conversion van type topper on it, that raises the roof about a foot. Prior to owning the Suburban I owned a Ford Ranger with the standard cab, 2.8 liter V6 engine and a long bed. The Ford Ranger got 19 miles to the gallon. The difference is so small that it is barely even a factor. Figuring fuel cost at $3 a gallon it is only a $100 difference per year for a 12,000 mile per year driver. A long time ago I owned a 4 cylinder Dodge D50 with an automatic transmission and it got an absolutely mind boggling 15 miles to the gallon, it wasn't even an extended cab or a 4 wheel drive or anything, it just got terrible mileage naturally.

The Suburban is most useful for very large families who would prefer not to drive a van (which I wouldn't blame them for, most vans get gas mileage just as poor, and very few of them can match the utility or reliablity of the Suburban). Other people who might actually need such a monster of a vehicle as a daily driver include people who need a tow vehicle, and people who need a large truck or van for business reasons.

Unfortunately 90 percent of the people who drive these beasts on a daily basis have absolutely no reason to own a monster vehicle.

Where the Suburban absolutely shines though is as a second vehicle. They can do anything, go anywhere, haul anything, tow anything, carry anyone, and are not very likely to have a breakdown. The ones up until they stopped putting the 5.7 V8 in them are one of the most time tested and reliable vehicles ever made. They are a continual tweaking of a design that came out in the 1960s and it was reliable even then. They even made the exact same body style for 20 model years in a row (from the early 70s through the early 90s). When I need a part for my Suburban (which isn't often, nothing has ever actually failed on it, although I have replaced things like fenders and interior pieces) I can go to the junkyard and pull a part from almost any Chevy truck made in the last 30 years. Both my front fenders are from a 1977 model, my rear bumper is from a 1983.

So to sum up, a Suburban with a soccer ball sticker on it being driven by a woman talking on her cell phone is a bad thing, but one sitting there that gets called into service every once in a while is great. Recent years have actually been a great time to pick up an old Suburban, the market is so flooded with giant SUVs that the older ones can be had for a song.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.