Hi friends it is Behr (friend to you). I would like to talk to you today about a subject that concerns me greatly, and that is the danger of elves and their filthy elvish ways.
Some years ago I went on a date with a lovely woman with an offensive number of stomach rolls who started talking to me about her love for sexual adventures with elves. This was upsetting to me because I wanted to hump her and that put me off from the humping thought (and the way I was physically acting out what I wanted to do in front of the waiter so he would make her drinks stronger). This led me to further research and to learn much secret history, such as that learned about in Robin Hood: Prince of Elves which I wrote about at some length and for which I won the much coveted Pulitzer Prize for Literature. Something to know.
The Revelation of the Elves is the first book in Jabar E. Prescott's ambitious series on the complete untold history of elves (real ones not the phony ones in Christmas shit and those "Lord of Various Things" movies where the elves have instant skateboard abilities). In this book, Jabar E. Prescott gets into a lot of detail about the origins of elvish life on this planet and others. He gets down in the dirt and gives us the real story and not fake news which I have had enough of - can we please finally end the freedom of the press? Can we please execute any and all critics of our president? I have asked for this for Christmas this year (along with other shit I will absolutely demand of neighbors at gunpoint during Advent).
Alice Vunt was the first elf to come to our world, emerging from a glowing blue egg the size of a Republican testicle (not the dime-sized ones you acquire as a result of adopting liberalism that make whiny liberal couples go to fertility clinics. The last time I saw a couple doing that I followed them home and terrorized them for a week by pretending to be Batman and ringing their bell to ask for Batman-related items several times a night. This is just how I do things and it is the correct way (which President Trump has shown us effectively).
The people who saw Alice Vunt and how she always elfed around town began looking for the source of the problem. Their first instinct was to climb into an old well outside the boat house early men built and look for small glowing blue eggs. There was no history of this being a source of elfism but they just knew by instinct. And their instincts were very good. They found a small clutch of glowing blue eggs and brought those eggs to their tribal leader. The people should have crushed those eggs before they hatched. But they were curious. They watching the eggs every day wondering what they were and then elves came out.
Alice Vunt was the first of many elves to come to be hatched on our world (later switching to more human forms of reproduction once the male elves noticed the women had tits). She was their first leader and she formed the first Conclave of the Elves in 799 AD. Tremendous, but also very dangerous. If we had stomped the elves out of existence there wouldn't be so many of them now inhabiting our sewers like rodents.
Elves are very small people and Alice Vunt was no different (as she was also small) but they were vicious and wiped out the dinosaurs in the 8th century. That was during the reign of Gina Blunt and her mad minister Rupert Gago. Those were different times and what this book The Revelation of the Elves is about is not really about this. It takes place in the 6th century during the time of the War Against the Elves led by Ronald Reagan and other generals of the First America.
We follow the travels of two ordinary men who are off trying to kill some dinner and are set upon by elves. These are good boys and the elves are ruthless. They survive, but then die off one by one until the humans finally realize the threat the elves really pose. They are killing good boys who are just trying to kill some dinner. This is an insidious plot twist that makes you fundamentally shit your pants the first time you read it (less so on each re-read). This is the origin of the phrase, "Today is a good day to be a gangsta."
This has to be rectified by the allies of the good boys who were set upon by the inferior and small elves who are awful people at heart believe me. I spit on the ground where I believe they may have possibly walked. This is how I feel and I am justified in feeling this way. Jabar E. Prescott clearly understands his intended audience on some next level level.
They catch up to a band of elves on the move and capture one of their infants. The good men hold the infant down, burn off his nipples with cigarette lighters, and then turn him over to doctors with good intentions who strap him to a table and slowly pull his brains out through his nose using a long hook. The good doctors snicker and laugh as they snip off his brain tiny bit by tiny bit while saying, "You'll feel every bit of your brain being cut away, you little shit." Good stuff.
The Enchanted Forest of Delights
The action moves forward to the Forest of Delights which is an enchanted forest (as noted above). Our party of good men moves through the forest looking for elves to spear, burning down plants and trees to leave a positive mark behind as they pass. They want to root out the awful elves and stop the infestation. It is difficult and righteous work. The relevancy of this to the rest of the story cannot be questioned. It just isn't done.
The good men are hungry and after laughing at and gutting a bunny for amusement, they find some mushrooms to eat. Things get weird after that in ways I don't understand so I flipped forward about twenty pages.
The Dancing Place
The men are in some weird way and they come up on a "clearing" (internet kiddie word for area with no tress) where elves are talking to each other and eating salads and doing other reprehensible things. The men of goodness are unable to do anything about the situation because they are acting weird on account of mushrooms. The good men just sit down on the ground and watch these devilish procedures. It is infuriating in ways I can only begin to describe but won't. I had to take a crap in the middle of that chapter and didn't bring the book with me. When I came back I wasn't sure how much I missed but I picked the book up again and looked for where I left off, wishing someone would invest some way we could mark our place in a book so we could get back to where we left off more easily. If only.
The "clearing" is called The Dancing Place by the elves for good reason.
The Appearance of The Revelation
Everone enjoys watcing a football game. There is no question about that. Even a gentleman with a pig knows that. We don't need a book for that. We need a book to teach us true things about the untold history of America.
And that history involves a lot of elves. There have been many frustrating infestations over the years. There is no questioning that. I won't allow it.
The Revelations that the elves have in the Dancing Place are impressive, so much so that a folk song was written with lyrics reproduced here with permission:
We debased the monster
With our minds
And our hearts
It rises up and down the road
This is what we in the business call "good stuff." Clearly it is that. There is no questioning this. I won't allow it. The elves had many revelations that night according to the story and I was fascinated by most of them. The others were confusing and I was eating a plum, which I sliced and ate with a spoon while reading this book. There are parts I didn't get a chance to read so keep that in mind.
The Bamboo Panda
I am not partial to pandas. They are pretty much goddamned.
Arthur the Scholar
One of the best parts of the book is the appearance of Arthur the Scholar.I know what I am talking about. So does the itch in my balls. Surgery I have administered myself is partly to blame.
Arthur the Scholar is a man who arrives from a village and meets the good men while they are smashing in the heads of ovulating elves. Good blood sport. I love it. Arthur isn't interested because he has scrolls of learning to share which are not scientific in nature and thus reliable by logical determination (N.Sharpe, n. 23). I think it is best to let concerns you have about this go. Arthur is a knowledge person and brings forth knowledge from his brain and his books. He has books and also scrolls. They are filled with learning. I love veriatable amounts of non-scientific learning because it is in my head. I have a head for it and also for business.
Arthur the Scholar goes with several of the good men to a place called "The Nook" where men are comforting each other with non-gay intimate relations (for comfort and support only). This is good information to write down in a notebook or on sticky notes for future reference. I have made a note of it. What I have is called a Trapper Keeper. I stabbed the absolute fuck out of this eight year old kid in 1987 and got it that way. I put information for my lectures on ethics that I give in my job (one of them).
At The Nook, Arthur the Scholar and the good men get a round of beers and talk about broads all night. Good stuff.
The Final Revelation of the Elves
Learning that they are vermin, the elves are troubled (this was an earlier revelation). Then they have a final revelation that changes everything. It is amazing.
There is a fuse box on the wall where the revelation is being reveled in that is opened at that point. It contains wires and stuff like that (more adequately described in the book in flowery language) that are somehow relevant to the revelation in ways that eventually are revealed. Really good stuff. I like it a lot. I think you will too (because we are friends - friend is Behr - you have "a friend in Behr").
As this is being revealed there is a meal being served and the fuse box remains open and this bothers Arthur the Scholar so much that he breaks into song and disrupts the dinner with his shenanigans. Appalling.
As you can see it has a well developed plot and socially relevant themes. I borrowed my copy from the lending library at the Straight White Men's Cultural Center of Greater Baltimore including the harbor, which is run by my leader, Brandon Hitler. They have other volumes in the set I will borrow soon. Although they are not being sold in stores or online because of political correctness and a "lack of literary merit" (whatever that means). If you visit your city's Straight White Men's Cultural Center you may find they have it in their lending library. If you don't see it, ask. The people who work there are very interested in promoting their agenda and will be happy to talk to you about it and if you are lucky they will "jump you into" their organization through bizarre initiation rituals including branding and the forced eating of foreign currency.
When you go to bed tonight I want you to imagine what would have happened if the Germans had built Pearl Harbor before the Americans did. What would have been the outcome? History's truth awaits.
This book is 4 out of 5 stars, a solid read except for the part about the pandas and the smart guy singing.