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There is a lot of talk about nuclear proliferation these days. All the military can talk about, it seems, is keeping nuclear weapons out of the hands of terrorists and rouge nations. Clearly, says the military, these nations are not responsible enough to handle weapons of mass destruction.

This begs the question: How competent do you really have to be to handle a nuclear weapon? And by such logic, is it really right to deny a competent and level-headed citizen the right to even kiloton-scale atomic weaponry? I think not.

The fact is, the United States can never truly be called “safe” until every citizen has the right to purchase affordable nuclear ordinance from licensed dealers. The advantages of such a situation would be immeasurable. For example, civilian use of nuclear weapons would decrease crime across the board. How could anyone think of mugging you when you have a 1-kiloton micro-nuke in your wallet? How likely would a bank robbery be when the tellers all have neutron bombs next to the silent alarm?

“Now wait just a minute,” says the observant reader. “What if the bank robbers came armed with A-bombs as well? Surely this negates your argument?”

Nothing could be farther from the truth. Of course all nuclear weapons would have to be registered with a local authority and any large bomb would require a license to possess. Now, I’m not crazy. I don’t suggest just letting known felons and serial killers purchase nuclear weapons without at least a significant waiting period and psychological wellness check. However, I imagine that even without these regulations, one would see a massive decrease in crime across the nation. Mutually assured destruction has a great deterrent factor in nearly any conflict, ranging from USA-USSR relations to petty crime to sibling rivalries. One could expect to see a decrease in violence all over the United States, even at the domestic level.

The economic benefits of widespread nuclear proliferation would be immense. Especially in a down economy like that of today, it is essential for the nation to diversify into new and untapped markets, and no market is more untapped than the market for consumer atomic weaponry. Think of the jobs the consumer A-bomb industry could produce. Think of the economic benefits, think of the tax revenue for the government and the public benefits which will result.

Homeland security would be strengthened by the proliferation of consumer nukes. No one in their right mind would attempt to immigrate illegally knowing that border patrol could nuke them and all their friends at a moment’s notice. Likewise, no terror organization would ever consider attacking a target which was armed to the teeth with atom bombs.

Last but certainly not least, the nation’s level of education would almost certainly rise with the widespread ownership of high-yield nuclear armaments. Children, enthralled with the nuclear revolution happening all around them, would be inspired to take up science as a hobby, and not just a subject to drag through in school. Moreover, atomic bombs are inherently complicated devices which require a lot of technical know-how to operate correctly and safely. This would provide new jobs for the nation’s impoverished nuclear physicists and engineers.

Widespread consumer nuclear proliferation is essential for the future security of the United States. While other countries make moves to ban the bomb, we could show how truly progressive our nation is by embracing it. Consumer nukes would start our nation on the road to economic recovery while simultaneously reducing crime and raising new revenue for the country. It really is a win-win scenario.

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