How to walk in
NYC
With over 18,000
restaurants, scores of museums, and thousands of
shops,
New York City is one of the most popular destinations for
tourists in the world. According to the
New York City Conventions and Visitors Beaurau,
The Big Apple had 38.4 million visitors in the year 2000, who spent 16.1 billion dollars (for more statistical info, visit www.nycvisit.com/fun_facts.html)
Naturally, we're happy to take visitors' money - the
taxes generated by the tourism boom fund our
subway system, pay our
garbage men, etc. But, as any New Yorker can (and will
sooner or later) tell you,
tourists can cause
problems.
Lots of them.
The biggest problem is
crowded sidewalks - go to
Times Square, or Lower
Broadway in
Soho on a
Saturday if you'd like to see a fine example. While these fine visitors may be
intelligent,
suave, or
sophisticated in their own right, they clearly
don't have a clue as to how to walk in NYC. Hence, the following instructions apply and should be followed like your
life depends on it:
1.) Walk on the
right side of the sidewalk. Not the
left. You will notice that
cars drive down the right side of the street. People tend to intuitively imitate that behavior. Imitate them.
2.) Do NOT suddenly
stop walking in the middle of the sidewalk. Ever. That is why people keep bumping into you from behind and get
pissed off. If you really want to stop walking midstride, you should do it in front of an speedy, oncoming
taxi or
subway car.
3.) No more than 2 people should walk next to each other. People may want to
walk around you or by you, and they will be seriously
annoyed. Example: If there is a
family of 4
mulleted idiots walking in a single row down the sidewalk at a
snail's pace, the only option
residents have for getting to
work on time is to
barrel through your group the way the
The Kool Aid guy breaks through walls.
Oh, Yeah!
4.) Don't stand in the middle of the subway staircase trying to figure out if you're going to the correct
station There are signs outside. If you were able to board your
flight from
Berlin to get here, you should be able to know if you'll be able to catch the
Times Square Shuttle at this station.
5.) Don't
rubberneck and bump into people. Watch where you're going.
6.) If you walk around with your face in a
map you deserve to be
bumped into, have your
feet stepped on, step in
dog shit, etc. Don't be
surprised,
indignant, or
pissed off
7.) If you are lost,
ask someone - most
New Yorkers love to show off how well they know our
great city. It will yield you a faster
result than causing sidewalk
traffic jams will.
8.) Remember, you are constantly surrounded by people on their way to
work,
dates,
meetings, or to get that
cup of coffee or
heroin fix. Let us get where we need to go on time, please!
BONUS TIP:
If you're on a crowded
subway standing near the door, EXIT THE TRAIN WHILE PEOPLE GET OFF AND THEN GET BACK ON WHEN THEY'RE FINISHED. Do NOT stand there
in people's way with a bewildered expression wondering why people push you as they walk by.
If you follow these simple suggestions you will be able to
enjoy your
vacation while knowing for certain that you are not causing problems or putting yourself
at risk by
alienating the residents of New York City, where the
murder rate rose 12.4 percent last year.