What am I doing?
What have I done?
What do I want to undo?
What am I thinking? What WAS I thinking?

Why does it all have to be so difficult? So painful?

Is it so painful for everyone? Equally bitter? If it is - I'm surprised, I'm surprised by the inner power of everyone but me. I'm surprised at the self confidence and resistance everyone has but myself.

Because if everyone is pained as much as I am in the person-to-person relationships, how do they get over it? How can they just not drink themselves to unconsciousness every morning? How can they just not drop a tear waiting for green at intersections? How can they complete sentences in conversations? How can they smile?

And if it is not so - not everone but just some few unfortunates like me go through relationships in life which only tear them apart ... I'm angered, at God or destiny or whatever force is controlling it. Why should I be hurt and so cruelly, so freaking cruelly everytime I find myself finally happy and with a future to look forward to?

It just tears me apart, I can not imagine myself really going through all that I do. I pinch myself every so often just to make sure I'm not dreaming ...

Somedays I just want to hold myself tight, to shut down these voices inside my head, they get so loud at times - I have to cover my ears with my hands.

What have I done?
What crime?
Whom did I hurt?
Did I ever hurt anyone?

I guess I'm just a small kid waiting to be picked up and hugged and told it's all right, life really actually has love and selflessness, not all of it is plastic and lies. And for my tears to be wiped and told I'll be okay. It's just a passing phase. Bliss lives just round the corner and'll find me someday soon.

All I want is to sleep just one night with a light heart, to live just one day without wasting a tear.

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