I was lost
back then. Totally lost, even compared to now. I had just gotten over one long-term obsession with a girl i couldnt have, and felt that i was falling into another one. Somewhere in those twisted spring days i looked out from a veil of alcohol
and just thought i should go for someone i could have, just once, just throw myself into someone, when i might get something back.
So then i found this girl, in a swirl of beer and parties and thinking i could be punk. Her hair used to be green, she liked good music, and i decided i wasnt getting any older... We went driving, sat in the park. She lay on my lap and told me things, more than i ever really wanted to know about her, or anyone. Viewing the world through her life, it seemed so dark, so hopeless... yet in a way, somehow appealing and mysterious. It was too late... We spent a few days driving around town, listening to system of a down...
do you believe that when youre high that your life is dry?
don't you ever get stuck in the sky.. when you try to fly...
the world seemed to change colors, to become dark and empty yet swirling with power. I couldnt live in that world. She saw that, she tried to change me. She was mean. I responded, dredging up defense mechanisms i hadnt seen since high school. I was mean. Yet for some reason we still ended up walking through campus, at the hippie festival of sorts, pachouli and pot swirling through the air. We went to a party that she suggested. It wasnt punk.. it was full of hippies. More pot and pachoulli. I went and bought a 12 pack of tecate, and got her some boones. I got home and put the beer in the refrigerator. When i came out of the kitchen, she was hanging on my roommate. I couldnt take it... i dragged the 12 pack of tecate into his room and drank 7 of them in a half hour. Everything was swirling. I told them it was okay, that i understood. I was a liar. Then i ran away. They chased me.. the clouds were lit in the moonlight, little white globs in a black sky. I was laying on the hill, barely able to stand, but next thing i knew i was running, somehow, just to get away. Then i was hugging my toilet.. then i was crying in bed.
In the end, it all goes away ... the next morning my roommate decided that it wasnt going to work between them. for a while, the girl decided she would try to make me not like her by being mean. I caught on fast and after a night of rude comments, It all flooded forth, my anger bursted into an evil icq dialogue the likes of which i've never duplicated, and hope to god i enver do. I deleted the transcript later, but i still remember it. I don't know if i had any effect on her, because i'm sure people had said the same to her before. It all ended the next day, me going to my future girlfriend's house, the girl i wasnt supposed to have, and literally collapsing on her feet, in a pathetic mass. My eye had popped a vessel, and it took a week or two to drain away. Soon the frame changed to an even weirder story.
I still see that girl, around campus sometimes. I try so hard to avoid her without being mean... because i know it would do no good. But i don't look forward to those times. I know i will see her at shows, that she will try to drop her scenestery punk names on me. Shes not punk, she never was. Not that it matters... all i can do is walk away.