I
woke up one day, and had a
dark side. Part of me would like to say it was a
gradual progression into it, but who am I kidding. One day I awoke and understood people; and all the facets of humanity. The
world was
different; it
became a sum of covered weaknesses that make a whole. The haze had been lifted; I had eaten the apple that was given to me.
Look
around you. A
person on the
street, the
student across the way from you, the
professor, the
cop, the
old lady... All of them have something to hide; a weak spot, an old memory, a
guilty conscience.
Something that makes the
pit of their stomach
drop out just to think about. I could see it in
everyone, mostly because I saw it in
myself, and it burnt a hole in me.
He's insecure about his sexuality
She doesn't think she is pretty enough
He gets frustrated too easily
She's ashamed of smoking for all those years
In my many years of
trying to come up with
myself, and to put myself together, I've taken a look from many angles, and in many different
lights. There have been more than a few
hats worn and
discarded. On the way, I've seen other people the same way, with all of their
flaws, points of
polish, and
intricacies, wating to be prodded, poked at, and interacted with. We are all puppets, but I decided I wanted to pull on the strings.
So I started the games with people. I told them what they wanted to hear. A
facade came over me. The truth, language,
emotion, and
language was my
tool over them. People believed what they wanted to believe, kept the
secrets I felt they should keep, knew what I wanted them to know. The game went on for so long; I never knew why. Maybe it was because I could use this
knowledge, and I felt I
should. In looking back there was a sick sort of
altrustic justice I looked for at times; try to make right what others made wrong by using their faults for their own good.
It went so far as I would "
practice" messing with people online.
ICQ and other chat rooms were a lab to learn people. I knew people... Not
trolling for a response, but rather the
emotion I was going for.
Elation,
self-loathing,
excitement,
arousal,
depression,
compassion,
love,
trust... Never so much as to push me away, but so that in my
emotional darkness I could warm my the
candlelight of the true feeling I instilled in them. I played many different roles then (male, female, sane, sad,
married,
old, happy,
inquisitive). I spoke to people I would never see or hear from again, if only to find a new person to
interact with, to
predict, to
unwind. I could hear the
thoughts and
feelings of everyone tick like an
antique clock, until it drove me to see the gears.
It felt good, in an empty kind of way, if that makes any sense.
I had
crafted a world where people were my little personal
playthings; until it came
apart. I
forgot the
truth, I had started to lose me. Ahh, the puppetmaster, lost in the dance. One cannot live by the shadows and not be
consumed by them. My web had entangled me. I soon discovered how I had hurt many people who I loved, and who loved me; many of whom I didn't know until it was too late.
People are not my personal playthings,
anymore. I've found me, and have decided to invest there, rather than in the fleeting bursts of
humanity elsewhere. Those were strange days and nights spent as others, with others, and in others. Those who are close to me now can see this dark side, and
how I fight it back. I'm glad to know me, but now
ashamed to be me.