Ever since I was 13 I've known that
I've liked men...
For a more detailed description of that, see
It's better to have loved and lost.
It's been a
rough journey... The average straight
person just doesn't understand how painful it is to go
through what a
gay person
goes through.
I'm so glad that
I didn't
grow up 20 years ago... Things
are getting better. People are more accepting of gays now, and I would just like to say that
it must have taken a lot of courage
for someone to be
openly gay in
the past. It
takes enough
courage now, when it's somewhat
accepted...
Do you know how it feels to walk through
the halls of
your school and hear it
time after time again? "Oh, man, that is so gay!" You don't think it
should be any big deal, but it hurts. It
hurts me to think that
other people are disgusted by my lifestyle, it hurts
me to think that
people would want to kill me for who I am, and it
hurts me
to think that there's some
guy out there who's really cute but who I could never be with because he's straight.
There's
a good reason why gay suicide
is so common... Straight people just don't understand how
much it hurts us... There's more than just the
ridicule from every
side, though...
All our lives, we've been brought up that being gay is wrong... So not only
are others telling us that it is
wrong, but we're also telling
ourselves that
it is wrong. We feel like we're dissappointing our
parents, our friends,
and God, but there is
nothing we can do about it, because we are the way that we are.
If I
had a
choice... if I
were attracted to
women, and not men, believe
me, I would
be straight. But
it just
isn't in the cards for me.
As children, we entered into heterosexual relationships purely for
emotional value... That's what we were taught all of
our lives... Relationships are not about sex. They're about emotional
love!
NEWS FLASH! Love is
not just
about loving someone's personality... Love is
fully appreciating someone for
who they are, how they look,
how they make you feel, what they do, and every other aspect of them. If you truly love someone,
you even love their flaws! So how can
I commit myself to a
loveless relationship with a girl?
It's wrong to
her and it's wrong to me. I can love men... I do love men.
At least, if I could FIND any I would. For you see, in this judgemental world,
most teens are too scared
to come out, both to themselves and to
the public. So here I am, stuck in a world
where there are surely gay people that I could care about, but who are lying to themselves (which, BTW,
is a sin), and convincing
themselves that they are straight...
Well, we build
up a lot of sexual energy in
our youth... We crave love...
People don't understand why
I'm so desperate to find a date... I mean, plenty
of straight people seem
content to be by
themselves, and while they'd like a date, they
don't really want to look too hard. Me?
I'm starving for just a bit of the love that I've been missing my whole life... The love that anyone needs... When the
people you love show you nothing but hate
in return, it hurts.
Coming out
isn't easy either... You
have no
clue just how powerful rumors can
be until you have to think about them
and plan them... Me? I didn't
care who knew... But then my friends weren't trying to tell anyone,
and I wanted people to know...
So I had to tell people over and
over again... And as accepting as people are of
it nowadays...
their first reaction is always a
look of shock and disgust... Some people only show it for a
half second... But others will drag it out
into a hate that you can't do anything about...
It's a hard life, but it's the only
one I have to live. I wish I could kill myself, but... miles to
go before I sleep.
Now you might want to read
My Mom's Reply.